This is why i did it

I haven't really given much thought to a pediatrician yet. Except for the fact that I do not, repeat do not want monthly injections of immunizations containing metals into my daughters tiny body. Immunizations that cause fevers and seizures and the laundry list of complications along with it. I'm terrified to start looking. I want a relaxed schedule if not a moral exception to her getting the vaccines at all. I don't know how moms do it. I can't stomach even thinking about it. But an even bigger dilemma on that issue is daycare. I haven't begun to look for daycare for this tiny human I will soon shoot out of my vagina. I'm not sure if my in-laws will take up a portion of the task. I believe they said they want to help out but I haven't talked with them directly about it. They were actually going to move closer to us in a few months and they canceled their move for whatever reason. So now they are 40 mins away and I simply cannot drive 40 mins there and back for a babysitter even a few times a week. Can't do it. So I'm not sure what to do. And my biggest factor in undecidedness is that a daycare will require my child be fully vaccinated and up to date. So I'm kinda stuck in thought. I know Tom said his parents mentioned not wanting her to have to go to daycare but are they really going to drive to my house every day to babysit a screaming crying pooping baby at 630am? I seriously doubt it. I know if I were retired and my daughter was having a baby I would want to be with it every waking second but that's not the case for everyone. Grandma and Grandpa P. have lives so full that I can't imagine them wanting to slow down just for us. And I mean that in a positive way. I really admire how much they pack into their schedule. They also frequently fly to california to see their other grandchildren as often as possible. Without their early retirement, that would not have been possible for them to be able to get so much out of life. So I guess the pediatrician issue will be discussed at my next OB visit and maybe they have some recommendations for me. And hey, maybe they'll even point me in some helpful directions for child care too.




On another unrelated issue, I was reading dooce.com this morning as I always do. I am still catching up from the beginning and working my way to her current mommihood posts. And I read this post from 2/03/05 that made me cry right there on the T in front of my other public transportation buddies. This is her blog post about her daughter turning 1 year old:


Here you are now, a year after they laid you on my chest and you reached your arm out to me. Those first few weeks with you have changed me forever. They were the hardest, most terrifying weeks of my life, not because you weren't wonderful in every single way, but because I was not as confident as I thought I was going to be. I was not prepared IN ANY WAY for what having a baby would do to my life, to my heart, to my capacity for worry and love. There were at least three feet of old snow on the ground outside, and the days were dark and cold. Your father couldn't get very many days off work, and during that time it felt like my spirit was being shoved through a paper shredder. I didn't think I'd last a month. Here I've managed to last 12 months, but of course "lasting" could be interpreted several different ways. And you did, too! LOOK AT YOU GO. You are a totally different kid now than when we brought you home. For one, you sleep at night. I didn't think that would ever happen...... Leta, I feel like I have been given a second chance at life, a life through the magic of your eyes, a life that I am finally able to appreciate fully since I got the help I needed for my disease (depression/anxiety). The world has more color in it because you are looking at it, music is a bit louder because you are hearing it. I never knew how funny a noise could be until you laughed at it, or just how excruciatingly handsome your father was until I saw your profile next to his. I thought that there was meaning in my life before you came along, but Hell if I even knew the meaning of meaning. For the majority of my life I thought I had religion, but never has there been a more reverent moment in my life than walking into your room late at night to watch you breathe, to hear your life in the air. If there is a God, you'd certainly be proof that he or she exists.


Love,
Mama


If that isn't love, I don't know what is. This really opened my eyes to what I am about to experience as a mom. While I am terrified as hell (mostly about lack of sleep), I knew this was the reason I wanted kids. I immediately wrote her an email thanking her for that touching email making me realize I am going to be ok. By the afternoon she wrote me back and said:

Jen,


Thanks so much for your kind email. Messages like this always brighten my day. It's nice to know that there are people out there who understand what I do and enjoy it.
Thanks for sharing a bit of yourself and know that you are the reason I do this.


Much love,
Heather


I will continue to write my blog because of her inspiration. She shared her struggles and smiles with the world and I want to pay it forward. I hope maybe I can bring a smile to at least one persons face. And if not then I hope I can at least can walk them through my experience and maybe that will help them walk through it themselves knowing they aren't alone. Thank you to all of you who read my blog. And a special thanks to those of you who comment back and offer me kind caring support and laugh along with me throughout this journey. I appreciate every single word.

Honestly,
Jen