Sunday, February 28, 2010


I just finished my quilt and it was not easy.  I would have to say if i need to make another quilt I'm sure i could do it in half the time but it was my first so i had to keep redoing it and fixing it.  Anyway here it is:

Food and Paint and Fatherhood

I'd like a manual please to tell me how on earth to eat more food. It is one of the most difficult things I've had to endure on this planet. I'm never ever hungry except at 3am which carries over to 630am when I actually do get out of bed at which point I don't have time to eat because I am getting ready for work and I don't allow myself to get out of bed until it's absolutely necessary and I don't find eating to be any more important than sleeping at that moment in time. Priorities!!! So I don't actually put food in my mouth until about 845 and at that point it is usually half a starbucks cinnamon roll and a small hazelnut latte. I eat that between calls as I am a phone rep for an insurance company which is enough to make you lose your appetite altogether. Since I am sneaking bites in between calls it takes me about an hour to eat half a cinnamon roll and in that hours time I am suddenly fuller than I've ever felt before. So I know that was NOT enough food for a growing baby but how can I force feed myself? Forcing myself to eat will certainly end in vomit. I promise you. So I weigh the bad with the good. I figure that I can keep the calories I just ate or shove down more and then throw them all up, leaving me with no calories at all. I've never been a person who has felt the need to clear my plate or eat food simply because it tastes good or because it's sitting in front of me. I have always ate painfully slow and stopped when I was full and no amount of guilty food wasting thought could ever get me to finish my plate if my mind told me I was full. So people have suggested I eat snacks throughout the day. And while that makes sense I don't think people realize that I talk all day. Literally, my mouth is constantly moving. I have excruciatingly painful TMJ (jaw joint disorder) from all the talking. I am working and I can't eat and talk at the same time. So I try to sneak in fruits and granola here and there while the complainers are on mute but it's seriously difficult. It's especially difficult when I'm not hungry. I'm just not a snacker!! I don't eat when I don't feel hunger!! Uggghh!! Can't I just take a pill that adds calories or something?

But in all seriousness, I see my belly getting very big so it's impossible in my mind that I haven't gained any weight. I'm still wearing my pre pregnancy clothes. The only changes I've made is unbuttoning my pants and I bought a whole bunch of Gap Body essential basic bras in XL. The bras were meant for sleeping in when my boobs were so sore I couldn't even pretend to touch them but I ended up sort of living in them. They're nice because they aren't restricting like sports bras. They're really soft and free yet they have moderate support. I highly recommend them and I'm sure I'll continue wearing them for as long as Gap continues to make them. Thank you Gap.

Yesterday Tom and I bought some paint supplies and some new closet doors for Laurens room. We picked out a bright pink cute girly color paint. It melts my heart that Tom was searching all through the paint colors for that perfect pink for his daughter. We decided on Harmonious Rose which is featured above.  He's very into all the pink and I find that so sexily adorable. He's going to be the best Daddy ever made. Especially because last night he gave me this long speech about how he can't stand all the people who have babies and complain about not being able to sleep or go out or being stressed out. He says obviously this is going to be an extremely hard marathon. He says he feels the baby will pick up on your stress and it will cause her to be fussier and have sleep problems and cry more. I assume he isn't talking about the occasional whining mom.  Well at least i hope not because I'm sure i will be the first one to complain.  He is talking about the parents who act shocked that they didn't know it would be THIS MUCH WORK. I had to do a double take! Did my wonderful husband just say all those amazingly beautiful words of fatherhood to me? I couldn't help but have the best nights sleep of my life last night next to the most fantastic man in the world.

I love you babe.


Saturday, February 27, 2010

winter blues/16 weeks to go

My winter blues/seasonal depression isn't that bad this year. I managed so far to keep up on laundry, dishes and cooking like I would during the spring/summer/fall months. And that's terribly unlike me. I feel the baby has somehow brought on an unconscious higher level of function to my life. Yet it could be totally conscience, I have no idea. It's not very typical that I am able to act normal during the long cold dark winter. It has always struck me as odd that other people continue on with meeting friends, going out *gasp* on a weekday in the cold darkness acting like it's perfectly acceptable to be happy. I can't remember ever enjoying any type of quality of life in winter time. It really hit me the worst for the first time the fall that I turned 17. Every year since then each year has gotten progressively worse. I'm not going to lie and say that I am feeling great but I don't feel hopeless like usual. It must be this little pound of cute in my belly. I guess it's my instinct to continue on and take care of her. I intend to take care of myself and be very watchful for post partum depression so I don't end up committed like my hero Heather Armstrong. I think my next doctors appt will be discussing pediatricians and post care. Funny to be talking about this stuff when I still have yet to gain some weight.

Speaking of not weighing enough, yesterday i walked over to the pregnancy side of the office where it seems that anyone in that area is spontaneously pregnant within weeks or months or each other. We kind of passed it around like a sickness to each other over there.  That was before i moved to the other side of the office, of course.  So anyway i was immediately informed that i was absolutely certainly too small to be 24 weeks pregnant. They demanded that i was incorrect when i said i hadnt gained any weight, that i actually lost weight.  Like it was impossible to not have gained any weight at this stage in pregnancy.  I didnt realize there was such a stigma from the weight-gaining pregnant women against the non-weight-gaining pregnant women. I am not losing weight on purpose ladies! I don't own a scale so I'm excited and nervous to see if I gained weight. I don't want to deprive my girl of any nutrients she needs. It actually occurred to me today that I have 16 weeks left. Now, I've been counting down for quite some time but it dawned on me today that at the recommended pound per week I would only gain 16 pounds. Now I'm no expert but that doesn't seem like enough. So does this mean I will blow up at the end? Or am i not going to gain enough weight? I'm not sure what happens to you when you dont gain enough weight.  I'm pretty sure it causes malnutrition and preterm labor but let's hope that won't happen for my sake....well more for Lauren's sake.  Please.


Thursday, February 25, 2010

24 weeks

Since no one answered my question on yesterdays blog I'm not sure this is working out. Hmmmm. Maybe there is no answer. Maybe there is just pity. Maybe I'm screwed. Whatever the reason I know people are reading this blog because I am getting constant feedback. I am actually shocked at the amount of people reading my blog. Thank you, readers. You are the best and I love your feedback and advice. But my favorite is when you tell me about how you feel/felt the exact same way. It give me great comfort.

Today my alarm went off as usual at 615 and as usual I hit snooze. Tom was still next to me in bed which is odd since he's usually gone by 6. Bed was so warm and inviting that when the alarm went off again 9 mins later I just simply turned it off. Lauren was bouncing around in my belly as per her usual morning routine. She's quite a morning person. And I've discovered she loves playing dead when her daddy tries to feel her famous dance moves. She saves it all for mommy and mommy only. So anyway I laid in bed till 830 when I was supposed to be at work at 845. I'm so incredibly not a morning person like I used to be. It's not that I'm grumpy or anything. It's just that I'm sooo tired that I can't understand the morning time concept. I want to sleep so badly that I ignore all urges to pee or eat or move. It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed each day that passes. I really enjoyed the extra time with my husband in bed. I had a lingering moment while laying with him when I realized we will no longer be 2 anymore when we welcome our lovely lady into our life. It was bittersweet because I felt more excited than sad. I felt like having an extra person here would be better for us instead of an intrusion. I don't feel like our twosome will die. We will be gaining a daughter! And how could that be bad? Here is a list of the things I can't wait to do with my daughter:

1. Snuggle

2. Dance

3. Go kitty shopping

4. Picnic

5. Play barbies

6. Eat cupcakes

7. Sing

8. Read

9. Skip to my lou

10. Hop scotch

11. Braid hair

12. Somersaults

13. Play with make up

14. Ride merry go rounds

15. Laugh

16. Tickle

17. Color

18. Jump rope

19. Kiss

20. Love

Honestly Pregnant,

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Work is stupid

I stayed home from work today for a few reasons:
Reason #1: nightmares about being raided with air bombs while trying to breastfeed Lauren outside in the garden
Reason #2: work is stupid
Reason #3: sticky gooey phlegm
Reason #4: my jaw needs a rest from all the talking and my ears need a rest from all the complaining

There's days I wake up and working just seems like the most inhumane ridiculous waste of time. I can't bring myself to even go there in my mind let alone actually physically get dressed and go. It seems so crazy to me that we work more than we are home. Aren't we working so that we can have a life outside of work? I don't feel like I have time for one. I was in bed last night at 930 and that was when I aimed to go to bed at 9 and just got caught up making lunch for tomorrow, ironing clothes and getting ready for bed. How am I going to make time for this baby? It seems utterly impossible. To be able to wake up earlier to take this child to daycare will make me have to go to bed sooner. So that makes me getting home at 630 and going to bed at 8. What kind of life is that?? Seriously. Someone please tell me how you manage work, sleep and have a life.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Daddy Stalker

I'm not sure I can put into words how much I melt when I see a daddy and his little child together. It is probably the most attractive I have ever found a man. I want to hop into his life and squeeze him until he bleeds. I love every single kissy, cuddly, bff bonding moment. I tend to start unconsciously stalking men with their children in grocery stores, malls, the park. I'm not sly about it either. I coo and ooohh and ahhhh as I follow them with a force so strong I can't take my eyes away. And I'm not talking about lame-o dads who walk ignorantly next to their wife as she pushes a stroller or carries the crying kid all by herself while trying to quiet the little monster. I'm talking about the ones who are out alone with their kid and they are cuddling and giggling and playing games and holding hands. The daddies that are totally focused on their lil munchkins like it's just the two of them in this whole wide world. These daddies are my obsession. I can't wait to see how Tom reacts to this baby. He was really scared at first even though we were both totally ready. It's just a big step. It's a lot to process and he's the baby in the family so he's never really been around kids, let alone babies. Then slowly I would ask him stuff about names and furniture and how we're going to raise her and he kinda shrugged me off. I think he didn't want to try to answer because he didn't know what type of answer to give. This is totally brand new to him. But then over time he has opened up to be really excited about cribs and paint and bpa free plastic. It's heaven! I just can't wait for the moment he holds our daughter. I can't imagine if seeing a daddy out at the mall makes my heart beat faster, seeing my husband hold our own child must be a hundredfold. It's the biggest moment I look forward to right now. I can't tell you how wonderfully sexy he will be in that moment. And to be honest, I think I'm underestimating just how powerful it will be.

Truly honest,


Monday, February 22, 2010

Lazy Sunday (AKA: easy like Sunday morning)

Yesterday was spent in my pjs researching online. I updated my Target registry and researched breast pumps which are quite expensive for the real deal. I looked at all the comments and consumer reports and found that a manual pump is basically for rare travel use, a battery powered pump is for occasional use and an electric pump is for everyday use. I chose the electric pump because it can get the job done in 10-15 mins as opposed to the 30mins-1hr that the manual and battery pumps can do. The electric pump mimics a baby suckling by starting off slow and then gradually increasing as if it were mimicing the suck/swallow gulps toward the end of the feeding. It also is better because you don't have to constantly buy or recharge batteries and it won't lose suction. It seems perfect for a pump 'n' go mom as she goes back to work. They are about $280 but it seems like an investment well worth it.

I also attempted to casually look online on tips to clean a used crib mattress and was absolutely floored with what I found. Apparently SIDS is thought to be caused by the flame retardent chemicals in a mattress interacting with mold which is obviously found in used mattresses. It supposedly turns to a toxic gas when the chemicals interact with the mold and the baby breathes it in and it acts as a nerve gas and the baby just stops living!!!! So I mentioned my concern to Tom over the used mattress we were given and he said I was over-reacting and we can't afford a new mattress for her and I have to stop reading things online that scare me. But I don't think he understands this is life or death. I refuse to put my child on that old mattress. I am getting her a new mattress with my own money and then buying a plastic zippered cover to keep the chemicals away from her body and then I will put a well washed, well vacuumed mattress pad over top of the plastic and I will wash her crib sheets at least 3 times before putting them on the bed. I had read once about how flame retardant things are supposed to save your childs life and yet they are horribly toxic. Babies lick everything. Why would they put chemicals on everything??? Uggghh!!! Although later on, Tom and I did have a good laugh picturing an unharmed happy baby sitting on a flame-free mattress surrounded by a ring of fire as sparks fly onto the mattress and sizzle out. It's probably the most ridiculous waste of chemicals and laws I've ever heard. If my childs room catches on fire, I'm sure she'll die of smoke inhalation long before the fire even makes it over to her bed. But I guess we could pull the mattress out of the ash and use it for our next kid. Haha!

Ok its not really funny.


Saturday, February 20, 2010

No more previa!!

I had a pretty great day today. Slept in till 730 with my lovely scruffy man. 730 is intensely late to sleep in for both of us. Made delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon and homemade hash browns. That's our typical weekend event but it's been forever since we've both been home together on a weekend since he's been working so much overtime. After stuffing ourselves silly with fatty greasy unhealthy food we headed out to our ultrasound. Fantastic news..... My placenta moved up and away from my cervix! Yes!!! No more threat of placental abruption, no more looming scary thoughts of a c-section, no more pelvic rest. I'm a very happy pregnant girl at this point! The rest of my day was spent blissfully running errands and shopping for my little girl. It was a rare beautiful winter day. The sunny kind that melts the snow and the whole town lines up to wash the salt off their cars. The kind of day that makes you yearn for spring in ways you didn't realize were possible. I thoroughly enjoyed wearing only a jacket and scarf, sporting sunglasses and a smile. I think at one point I may have even had a grass sighting!!

Maternal Instinct

I lost myself a long time ago back when I became obsessed with babies. My overwhelming all consuming maternal instinct to start a family began years and years ago. Something inside me clicked and I immediately knew I would never be ok until I had a child. This was maybe about 5 years ago that it started. I looked around me and hated everything about the way I lived my life. I hated my job. I hated my friends. I hated going out. I hated eating dinner alone. I hated the nothing that my life was. Here I was 22 years old with no education working a dead-end job and I kept saying if I had children then my life would be refocused on that and not my circumstances. I still believe that to be true because more than half of this country hates their job and even more people work jobs outside of the field they studied in. I've never had a desire for my job to be my life. I've always wanted my family to be my life even if we lived in the gutter. Unfortunately my circumstances were that I was flat broke, deeply in debt, friendless, dating a guy who literally worked from morning well into late night so there wasn't any possible way to bring a baby into that situation. I wasn't always like that though. I had good friends and a firm family foundation. I was fun. I was funny. I was really enjoying my life. But even though I was still fairly young, the intrusive thoughts of mommyhood just bombarded me. On top of other reasons, I withdrew and slowly said to myself that this current life doesn't count and I will start over when I have babies. THAT will be my real life. I just kept thinking when I am a mom, this will be different, I will be happy. Now that my baby is on the way....... FINALLY...... I am wondering if all my dreams will come true. I assume the love I feel for her will be the most amazing thing I will ever feel in my life. I also assume she will take over my world with her wants and needs and I will lose more of myself. But my hope is that a new me will emerge. A me called mommy that will live and breathe for my child in ways that I never knew were possible. Good ways overlapping the bad ways. Because I'm aware this part isn't going to be all glittery rainbows and precious furry kittens and unicorns. I just hope she will give me the fulfillment that this wait was all worth it. Going through this pregnancy journey other people seem to want to constantly bring me down by telling me awful things about how my life will be quickly ruined once my baby is born and I will have my feet pulled out from under me and fall flat on my face (in baby poop, no less). Family members, friends and co-workers have gotten right in my face and said once this child arrives my life is over and I will never get to do the fun things I do now. I'm not sure they realize that I don't do anything fun now. Haha! I look at all the adult things I could be doing right now and all I can think is how badly I just don't want to do them. I wish I was at the park or volunteering at school, instead of a friday night out drinking. I wish I was at my daughters school play, video taping and applauding as the most proud parent in the room. I wish everyday that I was in THAT world. I just can't fathom wanting to go out anywhere without my little munchkin daughter connected to me. I know you're probably thinking I'm crazy and that I won't feel that way once I have her and she starts driving me crazy. We'll see because I still want to be with Tom every moment even after 10 years. He never gets to be too much for me.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

23 weeks

Today I'm 23 weeks. According to "what to expect when you're expecting" this is the beginning of the 6th month. But some books and websites say month 6 begins at week 25. I hate that everything contradicts when it comes to pregnancy. I'd have to say that the 9 month time span is still the general understanding of pregnancy even though it's wrong according to the medical community. I'm not sure where it got started. The pregnant women should have a movement to teach the world that it's really 10 months. Pregnancy is 40 weeks and if you were to assume that each week is 4 weeks, since you cant be exact, then week 23 would be the 3rd week of month 6. But if i was to tell people i was 9 months pregnant at week 33-36 (as it should be) then people would assume i was almost ready to give birth when in fact i have the whole month 10 ahead of me.  But it doesn't really matter to me how you count it. I just wish it was consistent. Week 23 my baby is as big as a papaya even though I haven't gained an ounce yet. Tom was really proud that I ate all my dinner last night. I can't remember the last time I ate that much food. Tom's stir fry is always the best!

I'm starting to feel the stretching sensations in my belly. I also kept feeling tightening in my belly all around. This must be the round ligament pain. It's pretty uncomfortable and makes me not want to eat. It feels like a full feeling after you've just eaten a big meal. It also feels a bit like someone just punched me in the stomach. The heartburn is still going strong! Tums have become my new bff. Pepcid complete didn't work any different or any better for me. My heartburn only hits about an hour after I eat and it doesn't persist for hours and hours so I don't feel like it's necessary to take a medicine that last for hours if my symptoms don't even last for hours. Plus berry tums taste better.

The other day I shoveled my sidewalk. I'm not sure if that was allowed since I'm not supposed be lifting heavy stuff. It didn't look heavy but those inches sure do pile up to something heavy. I got winded easy while doing it. I don't think that's pregnancy related. I think that's me being out of shape. I miss running on warm summer nights. I miss the way I'd sweat so bad I thought it would never stop. I miss that meditative time to myself outside with the sun and the road and me. We were best pals, kinda like I am with my tums these days. I can't run with my placenta so low. I suppose I could walk or jog but that aggravates my sciatica and then I can't even get off the couch. I feel like an old lady. What a terrible things we have to go through for our lovely little babies.

So I got to thinking today and I got immediately frozen at the fear that my child will be ugly. Tom and I are both non-ugly so you'd think this would not be on my mind. But unfortunately some people are just born ugly. I don't want my child to be picked on. I'm sure this is a completely normal mommy thought. But it's bothering me that I am growing her inside me and I can't see her. It's so incredibly unfair. I wish I had a see through panel where I could peek in and check on her like maybe an oven door. I just want to know that everything is cooking ok. I know i get to see her in ultrasounds but the ultrasounds are lame and all you see is a freaky skeletor looking child. And of course the ultrasound tech didn't warn me so my shock was sudden and loud when she came up on the screen. I have another ultrasounds on saturday to check the heart and the placenta. I'll see if I can get an "it's a girl" view printed out from her this time. You'd think that would be automatic when they tell you the news but apparently it's not. I'll work on it. 

Honestly Pregnant,

Monday, February 15, 2010


I broke down today at work and cried in my cubicle all alone. It seems that my hormones and lack of sleep is really getting to me. I haven't really been eating and the only time I'm hungry is in the middle of the night and of course I'm not getting out of bed to eat that's ridiculous. I just don't know how I'm going to handle a baby. It seems like too much right now. I can't imagine it getting harder. Of course I'm not stupid and I know this is easy compared to raising a child. And experienced mom's are sure to throw that in my face every time I complain. Where's the support ladies? I'm sure you felt that way too. And I'm not exactly the type to tell me to toughen up. It only breaks me down more.

I also read some extremely disturbing news today. says do not use NSAID's (aspirin, ibuprofen, naproxen) while trying to become pregnant and during pregnancy. NSAID's have been linked to increased miscarriage risk, especially at the time of conception and when an NSAID is used for longer than a week. I had never heard this. I haven't used advil with this pregnancy and as soon as I found out I was pregnant with my first child I immediately stopped advil. But I'm positive I was taking it regularly for my unbearable TMJ pain at the time of conception. So now I feel completely responsible for my miscarriage. I already felt responsible because of my anxiety but now this sort of proves it to me. And I know people are going to say there was no way to know that's what caused it. And they are right. But there's no way to know that's not what caused it either. And even when I told Tom, he said "well that solves that". My heart shattered. It's my fault. I feel like a murderer. I just don't know what to do with this information. I specifically went to the doctor before trying to conceive to make sure there was anything I needed to know not to eat or do. She mentioned alcohol and folic acid and said nothing else. That child would have been about 3 1/2 months old now.

For now I will try not to dwell on that but I know I have a lifetime of regret coming up on me.

There's another winter storm that started a few hours ago. It's supposed to be up to another additional 6 inches on top of the almost 3 feet we have now. I hope my power stays on. Tom's working late and I'll probably curl up on the couch with my cat. Hopefully Lauren will get active inside my belly and keep me occupied.


Saturday, February 13, 2010


There's one thing that continuously brings fear and panic to my mind every time I think about it. It's the loss of sleep I will experience after the baby is born. As a chronic insomniac this is something I just can't imagine. You never ever get used to not sleeping. And all the home remedies and advice in the world does not help my insomnia. The most frustrating part about not sleeping are the people who think it's a simple fix. They tell you "oh you just need to stop stressing over it" or "you need some melatonin" or any other worthless piece of crap advice people give me. For most people, lack of sleep is just a rough period in their life and they get through it. But for some it's a severe chronic lifelong problem. For me I believe it is anxiety. And I'm not talking about general situations in my life that cause temporary anxiety. I'm not talking about life's worries and stresses. I'm talking about crippling panic attack, lifelong chronic severe anxiety. Most of my anxiety is internalized and I would say I go through life with people just assuming I over think things or that I think negatively about certain things. Some people are shocked to find out about it at all because I don't let people see my shaking and crying and throwing up that comes along with it. I hide it as best I can. The only thing that calms my nerves is my husband. Thank goodness for him in my life. My deepest scariest episodes are when I am without him therefore he nevers sees me in full panic because the moment I hear his voice or see him I am immediately calm. It's like night and day. Just him being in the same house as me calms me by about 90%. I don't know why that is. I know I can't continue life like this. I was seeing a therapist this summer but quit when I found out I was pregnant. I'm not sure she was helping. I am looking forward to my next doctors appt because the midwife said they're going to start working on preparing me for labor and delivery and post partum issues including pediatricians and depression. I will talk to them about my anxiety at that point and hopefully get myself on some kind of safe medication that I can take while breast feeding. Maybe they will even be able to prescribe something for me now. It's funny all these women talk about the pain of labor and it hasn't even crossed my mind. All I think about is spending the night in the hospital and the terror of not being able to be in my own bed to sleep. If you don't have a sleep problem, you can never understand this. And you can never expect your tip to be different from other useless tips to help me sleep because temperatures, essential oils, exercise, meditation, otc medication, baths, white noise, de-stressing, cutting caffeine blah blah blah.... doesn't work. I believe it does work for lots of people. But I know for a fact I have a mental issue and I know for a fact that believing/knowing I have a mental issue is not what's keeping me from sleeping like people try to tell me. Just the other day someone told me that my obsessive clock checking was causing my anxiety. Trust me when I say this is a 27 year old problem and the only 2 things that have ever helped me sleep have been ambien and pregnancy. But now that I'm in the middle of the second trimester I am starting to lose that glorious deep sleep that I've been enjoying since about week 8 or 10. I'm actually panicking right now as I write this as I think about losing sleep. I get so little sleep already and I never ever sleep in. My body won't let me. I feel this is a major concern for my doctor to be able to let me properly take care of a helpless newborn. I don't think people really understand the severity. They say instinct will save you. Well I'm not going to die. I get that. But I don't want to live this way either.

I'm terrified.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Snow Storm

I haven't written in a while due to the huge snow storm. I was displaced from my home when we lost heat and power for 4 days and I am still getting situated back in. It really threw me off. I don't know if it was the hormones but I cried like I was on my deathbed. The power went out friday feb 5th around 8pm. The snow was really coming down hard. I saw the sparking power line in the street after it fell. We called 911 because it was dangerous. To our ignorance we were 1 of about 200,000 who lost power that weekend. So we waited for the trucks to come fix it and were amazed when no one showed up. We tried a fire in the fireplace with the wet wood from the snowy backyard and ended up almost killing our lungs with smoke inhalation for the next 3 hours. We finally wised up and went to a hotel for the night. As soon as we laid down for bed I got an automated call on my phone telling me our power was back. So first thing in the morning we packed up and dug the car out and drove home. There was no power anywhere around us somehow. No cars on the road. Nothing was plowed. It was freaky. We couldn't get the car up the road and left it at the bottom of our street and waded through the thigh high deep snow up to the house. When we got inside we saw that the power was indeed not back on. Our neighbors told us it came back on briefly and went back out. The thermostat read 50 degrees. We decided to try the fireplace thing again now that the wood had a chance to dry overnight. Again our house filled with smoke so badly I thought I would pass out. After about 5 cycles of opening all the windows and doors to air the place out we realized this was backfiring majorly so we packed up again and went to Tom's sisters house. Thankfully she still had power. We stayed there the next 2 nights. We made a million trips back home to shut the water off, get clothes, empty our fridge, rescue the cat and made a muddy mess throughout the whole house. I looked at the thermostat at one point and it read 36 degrees. I called off work monday because I didn't have a way to get there. Then our power finally came back on that night!! We got home late because of the weather and picking up the cat. All I had time to do was sleep. We both called off tuesday and spent the day snow blowing, shoveling, doing laundry, washing the smoky smell out of the curtains, bedding, couch, carpets and clothes. I did laundry from 10am to 7pm. Tom snow blowed for 3 hours. We got almost 3 feet of snow. Then tuesday night storm #2 blew in. That was the night my bro-in-law braved the storm and drove in from upstate NY to go to a hockey game with Tom. He helped with more snow blowing thank goodness while I was at work and tom was off again. He stayed 2 nights and left this morning. So now I'm home at last, hoping everything is back to normal. And hoping the tree down the street that fell on the power line doesn't shift at all and snap the wire. I don't want to lose my power again. I will fall apart.

22 weeks today.

Honestly pregnant,


Friday, February 5, 2010


My sciatic pain has eased up quite a bit....thankfully. With that pain gone this pregnancy has been much easier to tolerate. I can actually say I'm starting to enjoy feeling her squirm around and kick. They are still very light kicks and light squirms but they are getting a little bit stronger everyday and I feel her move more and more. At this point, other than the mild sciatic pain, I'm in a really good happy pregnant place for once. I went to the doctor yesterday for my monthly preggo check-up and I lost another pound! I'm down 3 pounds from my first prenatal visit. Not a good thing this far in but not terrible either. It's only a few pounds. My doctor was like "WHY ARE YOU LOSING WEIGHT?" But I didn't have an answer. Sorry doc. After I left the appt though I thought about it and realized that I was so concerned about getting proper nutrition to my body that I accidentally went on a diet. Now, I am making no apologies for eating well. But I found the explanation at least. Instead of coke I'm drinking water. Instead of large foaming yummy starbucks lattes, I am drinking tiny drops of coffee. Instead of rum and vodka on the weekends, again water. I'm eating well rounded meals. I'm going easy on the butter and sauces. And I'm just trying to feed my body the healthiest foods possible. So again I make no apologies. It's for the better. It's not that I'm not eating. It's just that I stopped overeating and I cut out junk because who needs junk anyway?

The doctor also ordered another ultrasound for me. The tech didn't get a clear picture of the heart chambers last month so we have to repeat it. I started panicking in the office but she said she was pretty sure she just didn't get the right position to see it. She also said my placenta hasn't moved one bit. So I'm still on pelvic rest and we have to have another ultrasound at 28 weeks and if it hasn't moved by then, they'll check again at 36. And then they'll check again at 37 just to be sure and send me for a c-section immediately. So Laurens birthday could potentially be aprox May 27. I'm not happy about taking my child out of the womb before 40 weeks. I feel even though she won't be considered a premie that it will put her at a higher risk for immunity issues. It makes me even more fearful of vaccines. Good thing my "vaccine book" just came in the mail so I can get to reading so I can make the best choices on when and what brands to give her of each vaccine. I do want her to be vaccinated after all. I just don't want all the vaccine side effects just for possible or partial immunity for diseases that are rare and aren't fatal. I know some are quite serious but rubella, flu, chicken pox? Come on! We all had chicken pox!!! Ok.... I'll wait to rant till I read the book so I can make an informed decision.

But for now, I am thankful for a period of time with no horrible pregnancy symptoms. I am even more thankful for a baby that is measuring perfectly and jumping around in my belly everyday.

Honestly pregnant,


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

my cantaloupe

So I'm gearing up to move into the 21 week range. That will put me into the "more than halfway over" category. Each day seems longer than the one before it. I can barely remember my pregnancy test being positive. It seems like such a distant memory. Believe me it WAS a long time ago. I took my pregnancy test before my period was even late. I just "felt" pregnant. We had some money in the bank saved up specifically for fertility appointments and testing and we were absolutely dreading having to go through all of that but Tom and I wanted a little baby so badly that we felt that was our only option. So we had been obsessing over ovulation schedules and pregnancy tests every 2 weeks like it was the only thing that mattered.  At that point Tom was 27 and I was 26 and all I could think was how long the fertility process was going to take and how badly I wanted to get it started so I could have my 2 children before I turned 30. I'm not sure that's possible anymore but I feel more relaxed about it. I turned 27 right after I got pregnant and I will turn 28 soon after I give birth so maybe #2 will come AT age 30 instead of before 30. I know... I know it's not that big a deal but it was always my goal to have kids in my 20's while I still had enough energy and stamina to birth them and chase after them.

Speaking of energy and stamina...that's something my hair has none of these days. It is the most lifeless, flat, scraggely it has ever been in my life. My miscarriage was 6 months before I got pregnant with Lauren so my hair hadn't even really started growing back in yet before this next set of hormones started attacking my hair. I keep reading about people saying they've had the best hair ever while pregnant. Well I want you to know there is a whole other set of people who will flat-out disagree. It feels harder for me because I never had nice or thick hair to begin with. I have the finest, thinnest, straightest hair of anyone I know. But the worst part of this chronic never-ending bad hair "year" is that the hair is just breaking off close to the roots so I have all this fuzzy staticky hair standing straight up about an inch or so long on top of my head. People with thick or curly hair don't understand this phenomenon us straight haired girls deal with. The other hairs tend to blend in with the broken hairs and they aren't really noticeable on them. But good ol straight hair just lays completely flat. It doesn't even have volume at all so each broken piece is more noticeable on us. Whatever. I hate my hair.

On a positive note, this child has grown into melon sized fruit by now. She's a cantaloupe at 20 weeks! Wow! I can't believe she's that big. Pretty soon strangers will be touching my belly and I will touch theirs right back. I can't wait to see their reaction and laugh at them and say "you don't like it either?? Huh. What makes you think I would like it?" Don't think I won't do it.

Honestly Pregnant,

Monday, February 1, 2010

Priceless Peeing Possibilities

I am under the impression that stretch marks are hereditary, therefore they are impossible to prevent. However, that is not going to stop me from desperately trying everything in my power to stop stretch marks in their tracks!! I already have stretch marks from a growth spurt in high school on my boobs and tiny ones on my thighs. I was using bath and body works body butter because I needed something quick and I was at the mall. That was back when I was extremely sick from morning (all-day) sickness and I wasn't thinking clearly about what I was putting into my body. That is very unlike me. You know what I mean if you know me well. So after I ran out of body butter, a friend bought me burt's bees mama bee belly balm which is loaded with fantastic moisturizers like olive oil, bees wax, pumpkin seed oil and soy bean oil. It doesn't have any parabens or icky stuff like that. I liked it so much I bought 2 more of them. But I then read that the secret to helping stretch marks (not eliminating) is vitamin E. So I bought burt's bee mama bee nourishing body oil. It has almond oil, lemon peel oil, rosemary, soy bean oil, canola oil and vitamin E. I started putting the body oil on as layer 1 and then the belly balm as layer 2 at night. And then after a shower in the mornings I am going to use just the oil. The belly balm is too thick to walk around during the day in. So that's my skin ritual. I'll let you know how it works out.

My wish came true that I wanted Tom to feel Lauren kick. Last night we were sitting on the couch and she was bopping around in there and I said "I wish you could feel her from the outside". I said "you can try it but I don't think it's strong enough yet" so Tom put his hand on my belly and waited. It was like she knew his hand was there. She was like POW! And the look on Tom's face was priceless. She kicked 2 more times for him after that. He seemed so proud. I'm glad he was the first person that felt her (besides me or course). It was pretty amazing. For the rest of the night she kicked around like the tiny little soccer player/dancer I hope she becomes, although it's up to her. She can be whatever she wants to long as I can afford it. :-)

Today I was hit with a revelation. Because of my sciatica I stopped walking for exercise, but my trips to the bathroom have been increasing every week so do I really need to walk for exercise? At 1230 I made a mental note that I have walked back and forth to the bathroom 7 times already and it's not a short walk. And that silly book "what to expect when you're expecting" promised me that I would have relief in the second trimester from the bathroom. Is 7 times to the bathroom in 6 hours really considered relief? All you mama's out there might be thinking "this is only the beginning, Jen" but I am tired of walking!!! If only I could trade my office chair for a toilet.... Hmm that's an interesting idea. Sure I'd have to be pantless all day but think of the priceless peeing possibilities!!!