Saturday, May 29, 2010

Dear Lauren,

Dear Lauren,

I have collected a list of advice I want to pass to you. I know you won't understand most of this until you are much older. And I know you will disagree and ignore some of my advice. But I believe there will come a day where you will understand the importance. And I hope you don't realize it before it's too late. So trust me on this:

-When someone gives you a compliment, always say thank you.

-Wear sunscreen, avoid tanning beds. You aren't meant to look that tan.

-Ask questions when you don't understand something.

-Obey traffic rules, use turn signals.

-Say please and thank you like you mean it.

-Hug like it's the last chance you will get, all the time, everytime.

-Respect other cultures and religions as if they were your own.

-Promptly respond to ALL phone calls, emails, invitations, texts and letters. Don't leave people hanging. Don't underestimate how important your response is.

-Be punctual, always. Apologize and take the blame when you are not punctual.

-Don't take yourself too seriously.

-Take plenty of pictures.

-Dance like no one's looking.

-Take time for yourself.

-Eat well.

-Don't smoke, litter or put any badness back into nature.

-Practice safe sex.

-Get preventive exams.

-Tip generously.

-Ask for help when needed, offer help when needed.

-Respect the earth.

-Give to charity.

-Wave to your neighbors.


-Open a savings account and make routine deposits. Withdrawal only when necessary.

-Learn to cook and garden for yourself.

-Remember when you waste other's time they resent you even if they say they don't.


-Own a pet and understand that it is an animal and not a person. Train it well, treat it well.

-The grass usually isn't greener on the other side, but on occasion it is. Weigh your options. Chose wisely.

-Take risks with your mind and your heart, not your body.

-Don't apologize for who you are. Don't be a jerk either.

-Eat your vegetables.

-Follow directions.

-Share your wealth if you're rich. Don't expect a handout if you're poor.

-Beauty magazines will make you feel ugly.

-Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

- Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

-You have the right to be angry. You don't have the right to be cruel.

-Forgive someone who hurts you when they apologize. Don't ask for apologies or you will be given an insincere one.

-Your agenda is never more important than being safe and responsible.

-Eat breakfast.

-Drama is like fire, don't add fuel. Walk away and let it fizzle out.

-Fall in love.

-Listen to your parents, respect your elders.

-Make something of yourself.




-Use moisturizer.

-Get enough sleep, your body will thank you .

-Karma goes both ways.

-Stop and smell the roses.
-Be prepared.

-If you say you are going to do something then do it.

-Take the blame when you are wrong. Apologize to people you hurt, intentionally or by accident.

-There are two sides to every story, and then there's the truth.

-Do one thing at a time.

-Have a pen handy when you make phone calls.

-A distracted driver is the same as a drunk driver.

-Get over it. Let it go. Move on.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

37 weeks

I had my 37 week check up this morning. The strep b test was so negligible I almost want to slap myself. I didn't even know she did it. However when she checked my cervix....that was a shocker! I had heard from a few people that it's painful but I couldn't understand why. Well heads up, it hurts. The doctor said I was 75% effaced and not dilated at all yet. So I guess that's all good. Not really sure how all this works. I've heard way too many times that it means nothing and there's no reason for it. I was going to tell her I didn't want to have her check but I wimped out and just let her do her thing.

The doctor did tell me though that I was most likely going to have a tiny baby and that I might even need premie clothes for her. That was a surprise! Not the small baby part, the premie clothes part. So let me get this straight, clothing companies make a size called "newborn" and you mean to tell me a newborn non-premie baby will not fit these clothes? I assumed premie size was for premie babies, like tiny tiny tiny little half children. So I asked around a bit today to some mamas that I know and a lot of them also had to buy premie clothes for their regular sized babies. This is beyond bazaar to me.

Ok I'm over it, already.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The kid has hair!

There are 24 days left until my due date. That's pretty spectacular considering this whole ordeal has taken a lifetime. I had an ultrasound this morning. My doctor ordered one when she found I was measuring a bit small at last weeks appointment. I measured 33 weeks when I was truly 35 weeks. The ultrasound went great as far as I know. She was in the exact position I knew she was in. Head down very very low, butt to my right side, feet to my left side. She HAS dropped down and yet she is still up into my ribs. That's probably why people think she hasn't dropped down yet. That's what I get for being 5 feet tall. The technician measured her at 35 weeks when she is truly a day shy of 37 weeks. She said everything looked fantastic and healthy but that she was just small. She estimated her weight at a little over 5 pounds right now. And then..... then we saw THE HAIR! I never knew you could see hair in an ultrasound but there it was! Tons and tons of it! The tech was even amazed at all that hair. I'm not going to know one thing about styling that lil peanut's super thick hair. My hair is as thin and fine and straight as it comes.

I have my 37 week check up with my OB tomorrow and she'll give me some more details on the ultrasound. She will also check to see if I'm dilated at all and do the icky strep b test. I'll probably cry again as I am a huge wimp and can't really take much of this stress very easily. Last week I was in tears shaking at my appointment. I think maybe it was because this is all actually going to happen. I assumed since I've been pregnant for 3 lifetimes that D-day was never going to come and yet here it is actually coming. It's freaking me out. I'm ready in my head but when it comes down to actually checking how close I am to delivery, well that's a different story. I feel really alone. And no matter how many people say they are there for me, I still have to do this for myself. No one else has to lay half naked on a bed exposed and vulnerable and in terrible pain and push a human out of their body. I mean, I know other people have to do it, but I am responsible to push MY baby out. And that's a lot of pressure. I so desperately want to meet my daughter but I would rather sky dive in a thunderstorm than give birth. I know I said previously that I wasn't scared to give birth and honestly, I didn't think I was until recently. Something hit me in the last few days as I was trying to analyze why I got so scared at my last appointment and that's when I realized I'm terrified to be away from the comfort of my home and go through such an agonizing ordeal. It was so subconscious that I didn't even notice because I didn't have to think about it since it was light years away. Well, it's here.

I look around me and there are mothers everywhere. And I think how did they do it? How do they continue living? How did they not have a heart attack out of fear? These same women tell me I can do this. These women are so brave. Especially the mamas who have endured this more than once. I'm sure you felt the way I feel now at some point. Scared, stressed and breakable. I'm telling you right now, for all these waves of emotion, fear and pain, she better be effin cute.

Honestly Pregnant,

Friday, May 21, 2010


I laid awake last night for quite awhile just staring into the darkness thinking about how quiet it was and how lucky I am to have the choice to stay awake or sleep at any moment in my life, given that I am not currently working, driving or crossing a busy street. I realized this choice I have will soon be stripped away from me. Life will suddenly stop being about my needs and be totally about another little pink creature that I'll have to respond to with each beckon call or violent scream. Right? Cuz I heard something once that babies, they like to scream just a bit. So I'm laying in bed in the darkness and Tom is like a corpse next to me except for the breathing part and I thought how I could go into labor right this moment and all of this will go away with the blink of an eye. And it didn't scare me at all. I realized how ready I am emotionally in times like that. My family feels very incomplete.

My 15 week pregnant sister and I had a text conversation the other day about labor. She's scared of the epidural needle and the pain of pushing. And I suddenly noticed how unafraid I am to give birth. I've been chronically complaining on this blog for months that my biggest fear is losing sleep and staying overnight in a hospital and that still remains true. I am unexpectedly not afraid of labor pain one bit. And I'm not saying it isn't going to hurt because I know it will hurt. And I know I will cry and scream and will want to rip out all of Toms chest hairs one by one in sadistic revenge. But I've continuously heard the more calm you are the less painful it will be. When your body seizes up and resists pain it ends up feeling more painful. (Supposedly.....) So I'm trying to stay in the "rip off the bandaid quick" mindset and just do it! I'm going to head face first into it and grit my teeth and power through. Ok so that's my plan. I'm sticking with that plan and that's that.

After all, I think nature intended pregnant moms to be so annoyed towards the end of their term that they'll be willing to go through pretty much anything including being forced to sit through countless episodes of bad tv in order to get their baby out. It's very interesting how nature manipulates and tricks you into being ok with the pain. I feel very tricked. But I am doing my best not to pass down any "told ya so" thoughts or anything when I talk to other newly pregnant women so I don't make them any more miserable than they already are. I try to be encouraging and yet I do acknowledge how shitty this whole situation truly is for us.

Tonight tom and I will be going to dinner for the last time as a twosome. We don't go out to dinner often. Valentines day was the last nice dinner we had out just the two of us. We're more of a cook at home type of couple. So we're taking this opportunity to sit and linger and take our time and enjoy each other without worrying about a baby at home. Plus there's no added expense of paying a babysitter! I never thought I would miss it being just him and I. I've so desperately wanted children that my life has always felt incomplete. Looking back I should have enjoyed us more in our prechildren life. But while in the moment, I just couldn't do it. I've always had that nagging thought that we were unfinished. So just like no one appreciates beauty and youth while they are young and beautiful, I did not appreciate my non parental life. So tonight I get the privilege of enjoying my husband before children overtake my life. And while I'm at it, maybe I'll throw in some beauty and youth.

Honestly Pregnant,

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Countdown.... 29 days

The countdown to my due date is finally below the 30 day mark. 29 days to be exact. I still think that's a pretty friggin long time but like I've said before, all the people around me who mean well think this is magnificent!! "Wow you're at the home stretch!". Yeah I suppose I am. They are right. But I still have to waddle around on the brink of peeing my pants for 29 more days so they are clearly delusioned. But again, they mean well. Thanks again for meaning well. I'll be sure to mean well the next time you are uncomfortable and irritable for 253 straight days. 

My belly has dropped. I thought maybe it had dropped a few days ago but I didnt know for sure. I started feeling a lot of pressure real low like the baby was pressing down. I also noticed far less heartburn and a hell of alot more frequent peeing.  Like all the time peeing. Like crazy amounts of toilet paper usage peeing. Like stopped flushing with each pee in order to conserve water so our town doesnt dry up peeing. I didnt really notice it by looking in the mirror but a co-worker mentioned how I look as if my belly has dropped and I was all..... "I feel like it has dropped!" Tom even noticed how I've rounded out more. So I don't really know what this all means exactly.  According to the bible... ummm.... I mean "what to expect when you're expecting" you can drop 4 weeks before you actually have the baby so I don't really think this is an indication of anything happening anytime soon. But I sure can breathe better, which is helping me sleep better, which I didn't think was possible. I still have the worst sinus congestion I have ever suffered in my life. But it's not a runny or stuffy nose so I don't really know what to do about it. So I just suffer with swollen sinuses hoping to make it through another night. But one thing that has helped me tremendiously is my increase in caffiene.  I didn't realize how much caffiene was safe so I was barely drinking any at all through this whole pregnancy. Now I am drinking some coke throughout the day and I actually haven't fallen face first into my keyboard in the middle of the day which is a plus.  I am taking the benefit over the risk at this point.

I need it to survive.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

36 weeks

I have about 4-6 weeks of non-mama life left. In a way I feel like "HUUUURRRY UUUUPP" and in a bittersweet way that shows up in rare moments in my day, I feel like I could stay childless forever. I mean that in the way that my life was pretty nice pre children even though it felt incomplete. There were times I said to myself "never could I ever do this with a baby". And yes, I still feel completely overwhelmed with the thought of taking care of another human life. I'm not usually the type to say I want to do things on my own but I definitely feel that way about my child and, yes that is probably adding to my anxiety. It's not that I don't trust people, I just don't know what their version of baby care is. If there's anything that scares me more, it's fear of the unknown or lack of control. I know, I know, you're rolling your eyes thinking "Jen, get over yourself" and I agree with you but sometimes your mind takes over and it's not so easy to control.

I had my 36 week check up yesterday. I got so extremely nervous the night before that I didn't sleep well. Then I was sick all day. Nervous about this horrifying strep b culture. Do you know how they do this test? Yeah it involves cotton swabs and your butt. So of course, naturally I freaked out and everything that was ever put into my body all started coming out in the hour before my appointment. This is what happens when I get nervous. But I didn't realize that was why I was nervous until it was too late to buy some immodium. I told the nurse how sick I was, which was obvious since I was in her bathroom for 20 mins while they waited for me in the exam room. She took pity on me, thank goodness, and said we could postpone it until next week if I wasn't feeling up to it. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the doctor not wanting to examine someone fresh from a 20 min bathroom experience. So that calmed me down somewhat. Then the doctor measured my belly and said I was measuring at 33 weeks still. She ordered an ultrasound and said it was probably either the baby's position or that I was just petite and going to have a small baby. She also said my weight gain was perfect. So for all the people who tell me I'm not gaining enough, unless you have an MD after your name, I'm over hearing it.

I called around and tried to get an ultrasound appt for that day since I was off work the rest of the day. Of course, no luck, so now I have to miss even more work and go in tuesday next week to see why my little one is measuring so small. I don't mind missing work when it's necessary but I just so happen to be having a baby the same year of the worst snow storm of my lifetime and missed like 4 days of work due to it. I'm running out of time to take off very very quickly. Alot of people have told me that measuring small is no big deal and it happens all the time.  So thats comforting.  We'll see. 

Honestly Pregnant,

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Lauren's Bedroom

Lauren's room is finally complete.  Here are some pictures:

Thursday, May 13, 2010

35 weeks

"...but there in the dark as the minutes were counted out in a machine gun spray of syllables, it seemed like all of the hours that ever were, a collection of time so vast that I could have witnessed the Colorado River carve out the Grand Canyon, one layer of dirt at a time." -Heather Armstrong,

So I hate to admit it but I am really depressed. I don't know if it's because I am helpless to getting this child out or if it's truly a clinical depression. I feel so alone like this is never going to end. I am angry every morning when I have to wake up and face the world. I want to stay in bed all day away from humans and society. I want my pregnancy to be over so badly because it feels like the only thing that will make this feeling go away. I don't know how to bring it up to my doctor without looking like an impatient grumpy nine month pregnant woman. I feel she will just tell me to wait it out and I would have to agree with her. It wouldn't be safe to start medication at this point. If I can stick it out a few more weeks then we can explore some options then. But it's a terrifying black hole of nothing to be in my body right now. My biggest fear is that my depression will worsen once she's born due to postpartum. I don't really know what to do. Waiting it out feels like it will never end. I want to crumble into a ball and cry every time someone tells me I'm almost there. I snap at them and tell them "you try being miserable for weeks and weeks on end and tell me how you feel". But my brain isn't comprehending that this will ever end. Every day I reflect back and think Holy crap that's it?? I just suffered through an endless eternity of yuck and you mean to tell me that was just one day?

In the midst of this, my coworkers threw me a baby shower yesterday. They got me a great big bag of gifts, fried chicken and cupcakes. It was so thoughtful and sweet. I'm glad I work with such amazing people who care. Their generosity helped me get through at least one more day. Thanks guys.

I'm celebrating 35 weeks today. I've spent nine long months growing a human inside me and as anxious as I am to get her out, I am also anxious for a great big cold glass of vanilla vodka and coke. I'd like to think Lauren would want me to have one too. That girl is all about other peoples happiness.....

She is actually the complete opposite.

She waits until right when I lay down to sleep to start training for the ultimate fighting championship. Then when she's done swinging fists and drop kicking her imaginary fetus friends, she gives herself a nice leisurely stretch cool down. She stretches out her arms and legs as far as she can. She is not intimidated by the confinement of her womb. In fact, I think she sees her lack of space as a challenge which she must conquer. How dare I limit her room to wiggle around!! Then when her cool down is complete, she settles down for a nap. Her nap is short-lived though. She'll be up in a few hours, which means I'll be up in a few hours. I am the lightest sleeper on the planet so just one slight kick is enough for me to be pulled out of the deepest sleep. I wish I could say I was having deep sleep these days but I'm constantly interrupted with the toilet screaming my name or by the panicking lack of lung function. This must be what it feels like to have asthma.

It's nice to know she's active and moving around in there as she should be. But it's getting a little old at this point. I'd love to be able to pull her out and give her the freedom to thrash about without restrictions. I love to watch babies do that full body excitement thing where their limbs go berserk with pleasure. I can't wait to see you do that, baby girl. I can't wait to see your face and kiss you. And that thought right there, that's what's keeping me going.

Honestly Pregnant,

Monday, May 10, 2010


There are many dreams and aspirations I have for my daughter. I know even with endless hopes and wishes, she will still be her own person in the end. But I can't help but think of the girl she will soon be. It's actually pretty exciting to wonder who she'll end up becoming. I want to teach Lauren she will always be good enough no matter what. That all the beauty and brains in the whole world won't make you a good person. You have to be genuine and honest and make it your mission to leave the earth better than it was when you entered it. You won't be liked by everyone and you certainly won't like everyone. But I want her to be strong and think for herself. I want her to stand her ground and stick up for herself. But I also want to teach her the importance of being the bigger person and backing down sometimes when it's the right thing to do. I want her to apologize when she is wrong but not to ever apologize for the person she is. And the biggest one of all, despite both Tom and I being atheist, I do want her to make an informed decision about spirituality whether it be her faith in organized religion or not. I want her to have the free will to follow whatever direction her heart takes her. I do, however, want her to know that even if I'm not happy with some of her choices I will still love her with every breath I take. Her happiness will always be a priority to me as long as she understands that happiness isn't about getting what you want. It's about liking who you are.

Yesterday was mother's day. We did no celebrating at the Pushic household. I was informed by Tom that this year didn't count. It sounds harsh but I completely understand. As unsuperstitious as Tom is, he will sometimes hold on to a jinx theory very strongly. He felt as though even saying "happy mother's day" to me would be jinxing our chances of having a healthy child next month. If I celebrated being a mother before I actually became a mother then I would be getting ahead of myself. I see what he sees, I do, but I feel that I am a mom already. I felt I was a mom even with my first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. I know it's all technical and I have not actually mothered any children. But they are still my children and I still love them just the same.

So instead of any formal mother's day celebrating, I decided to celebrate by putting my hospital bag, diaper bag and car seat in the car yesterday. I'm not due for another 5 weeks but I figured it's either sitting in my house or my car...might as well sit in the car. Bring it on labor...I'm ready! (kinda)

Honestly Pregnant,

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

For mothers day I wanted to do a little bit of reflection at the road I have taken to become a mother. My husband and I decided we would try for a baby in August 2008, which was exactly a year after we got married. I wanted to go to the doctor first to get checked out because I thought that's what you were supposed to do. Turns out no one actually does that and I was treated like a total weirdo (thanks). So in september 2008 our baby making journey began. Because of that, when I say pregnancy feels like eternity, it might be because for me, this has started 19 months ago. And of course I was taking pregnancy tests every month so I knew right away that I was pregnant. I know so many women who didn't know they were pregnant until 3 or more months into it. They weren't planning it so they weren't expecting it. Therefore they were already as far as the 2nd trimester when they started prenatal treatment so time flew by for them. That truly blows my mind! I knew I was pregnant 4 days before a test told me so and I had been on prenatal vitamins already for a year before finding out.

In the time that I have been pregnant I've discovered a lot about myself and my husband. I found that we both wanted kids much more than we thought we did. I learned just how deep my love can go for an unborn fetus that I have never laid eyes on. I realized how strongly my husband loves me and how he would jump in front of an angry heard of elephants to protect his wife and daughter. The two of us often spend large amounts of time discussing how much we've been through. We've grown incredibly close over our ten year relationship. This man is my best friend. He knows me better than anyone on this earth. And he respects me as his equal in life. I couldn't have picked a better man to raise my children with. Even though I am growing the baby inside me, he still has the wonderful ability to connect to her. I find him sometimes in her bedroom admiring all the work we've done to get ready for her. He has taken so much time for her to make sure everything is perfect. I can't imagine a better Dad for my little girl. And I've never been so in love with him as I have been during this time of my life. So on my first mother's day as a mom-to-be, I want to thank my amazing husband for all his support and love he provided so far throughout my pregnancy. After all, without him, I would not be a mom.

I love you, Tom.

Honestly Pregnant,

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

6 more weeks inside

At 8 months (really 9 months, stupid america) I was so incredibly certain that strangers would rub my belly in public places and it has yet to happen. I may be jinxing myself, which I completely believe is possible. If so, I'll just rub their bellies back. If you can bring positive energy into your life, why can't you bring negative energy into your life. That's the concept behind "The Secret" right? I wouldn't know. I didn't have the patience to read it. Did rent the DVD though but it was scratched so I popped it back in the netflix envelope and sent it back without reordering it. Oh well. So I'm pretty sure you can bring an unimaginable amount of negativity into your life if so desired...or maybe even subconsciously. I'd have to say I am an expert at bringing bad vibes into my life. Not bad people. Just bad vibes. I always assume the worst. I'm trying to change my attitude but I know it's not really an attitude adjustment quick fix. It's the way I have lived my whole life so I don't know any different.

Tom said to me last night, "Do you think Lauren will bring you a sense of peace and calm finally? Like everything will finally fit?" I sat there and thought for a minute and then said I didn't know because, really,  I can't see the future. I hope so. I know all I've wanted for years and years is a child so you'd think after I get that, I'm all set right? Well I don't really think it's that simple. I might even be worse off than I was pre-baby. I think there's no way to know how you'll react to something until it happens. Like when my sister was hit by a car in high school, I was so sure if I was put in a traumatic situation that I would be the first to jump into action. But I just stood there frozen. I couldn't speak. I couldn't even move. I just stared at her in the street. I never even snapped out of it to walk up to her until the ambulance came and put her on a stretcher. So with this baby I am not setting myself up for any disappointment. I'm assuming that I will either be the happiest mama in the whole wide world or sink into deep post-partum depression. That's the range I am giving myself. And I've decided it's ok whichever one happens because it's beyond my control. I'm not going to let the fear of being a bad mom cripple me. I have instructed my husband to look after me and encourage me to get any help that I may need. He's so stable that I need to put this in his hands. I don't know where my mind will be, let alone the crazy hormones and sleep deprivation mania. So I'm trying to relax. And if I want cookies and ice cream, I eat it. If I want uncle bens wild rice for dinner and nothing else, I eat it. If I don't want a veggies for days, I just don't have them. My stomach is so sensitive now that I'd rather give myself anything than throw up or have a stomach ache.

I have often thought about what kind of mama I will be one day. Will I be the hippie mama who makes her own organic baby food and teaches my 2 year old to recycle? Will I be the overprotective mama who keeps her sheltered and clean and doesn't let her go anywhere? Will I be the frazzled mama who doesn't sleep and can't survive without a heavy dose of prozac? I've tried to prepare myself throughout this pregnancy as to how I will raise my little girl.  But over the past several months I've let go of all my controlling hopes and dreams for her and decided that the future will reveal itself when it is ready. I can't get my heart set on one style of parenting until I meet her. How would I ever know what will work for us until I get to know our mama/baby dynamic? It's a little frightening to not know what to expect but I understand now that I have no choice. I was killing myself reading the vaccine book until I realized that I will never be able to get access to different selections and brands of vaccines like the book suggests. In life, with Lauren, I will take whats given to me and I will monitor and watch her and make the best desicion I can with the information I have.  It's not worth it to drive myself crazy. She needs her mama in the best condition possible in order to raise her as healthy and happy as she can be. But if I mess up or make mistakes, I'm only human. I would never intentionally hurt my baby girl or my family.  I have about 6 more weeks to keep her safe inside my belly and then she's at the worlds mercy. Please be kind to her as well as everyone you meet.  After all, that's somebody's baby.   

Monday, May 3, 2010


This weekend was one of the most tiring weekends of my life. Tom and I went shopping for baby stuff on saturday for about 5 hours straight. My feet were hurting so bad by the end that I was positive they would shrivel up and fall off. On top of returning a couple of things, we got a crib mattress, changing table pad, curtains, wall hooks, a crib dust ruffle, another diaper bag and some other odds and ends we needed and forgot about until they were in front of our face at the store. Then after getting home at an exhaust level of 9 out of 10, I proceeded to wash everything cloth the room. I think I did 15 loads of laundry this weekend. Then I put everything away and organized her room, including sorting all her clothes by size and packing her diaper bag for the hospital. It was quite a long day but I'm glad I got it all done.

Sunday I pretty much didn't move at all except to eat and pee and go to the store to buy nacho cheese sauce. At the end of the evening I got a call from my sister telling me that my cousins husband had overdosed and died earlier that day. He had just gotten out of 6 months in rehab about a month ago. He was only 28 with 3 little kids. My heart aches for her and those sweet little boys of hers. I look at Tom and can't imagine going on without him alone, let alone with our children as a single mom. I'm not sure how anyone can get through losing their husband.  It was hard for me to fall asleep last night while thinking about it. What if he just stopped being here on this earth with me? But I have to put that out of my mind to provide my child with positive energy to maintain her health.

I'm in my 33rd week now. My heartburn has turned into partial vomiting. I'm not sure if that is considered acid reflux. I'll ask on wednesday at my next appointment. It's very painful and makes me choke and cough. Hopefully all the heartburn and liquid acid burping will go away immediately after birth. I'm not really down with this lingering any longer than that. I also won't miss the constant hiccuping, especially when she is pressing really low on my cervix. It isn't cute, it's annoying.

Honestly, Jen

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Creating human life is expensive

Today it dawned on me that I had been recklessly buying baby clothes with no concept of when she would actually wear these clothes according to mother nature. So now as I ponder the inside of her closet, I can visualize all the summer dresses in size 6 months when it will be DECEMBER! How could I not have thought about the seasonal aspect of her wardrobe? What is the matter with me? I give myself permission to own 0-3 month summer clothes but not 3-6 month sizes. Good thing I kept the tags and receipts. But it will be a little heartbreaking for her to not get to wear some of the more adorable pink things I bought her.

As I think about all the different sizes my sweetheart will be, I'm also realizing that all of my thoughts of Lauren alive and in my arms are of her as a 2-3 year old. I don't really know what to do with a baby. Of course I can picture her as a tiny newborn screaming her head off and terrorizing my nipples. But the moments that make me smile are when I see my future daughter walking and talking and laughing. I especially love the thought of Tom walking hand in hand with her which will most defiantly cause me to die of happiness. I haven't had much faith that a tiny newborn would bring me that much happiness. I mean she just lays there and screams and poops right? I would love to say it sounds boring but instead it sounds extra stressful. Boring would be a blessing. Although, in the end, I know when I see her, all I will want to do is devote my life to her in any way possible. I guess it'll all make sense when she arrives.
Wednesday my missing crib hardware arrived in the mail. Tom was off as usual so he sprung into action and put the crib together. It looks amazing doesn't it? It was originally a very very dark wood which was perfect for a baby boy. I almost didn't accept the crib because of it's color. But my vision of Lauren's room has always included white furniture with pink everywhere possible. The crib was given to us by people that had boys so I understand why they chose it but that color just didn't work for me. I had tom paint it white and it looks amazing.  Now it fits into her petite white and pink themed room. The only problem is that it doesn't have the drop down sides so it's hard for me to reach into.  Tom thinks it's because my belly is in the way and the mattress isn't in it yet but I still believe it's hard to reach into.  The top of the railing comes to my chest because I'm such a shorty. I guess we'll just have to wait until we get the mattress and see. 

There's still some necessary items I need to get to complete the room:

Crib Mattress
Rocking chair cushion
Changing pad
Cupcake wall art
Hamper/ laundry basket
Garbage pail

I need to start focusing on getting these items as soon as possible because if she dares to come early, I am not ready. I will start my shopping this weekend. Wow, creating human life is expensive!