Spring is coming. The spring memories are always the strongest memories for me. Every morning when I walk outside in the spring I remember a happy childhood of bundling up as tight as possible in my ugly puffy winter coat and gloves. The amount of cold I felt in the spring morning was uncountable. But the best thing happened in spring time. As the clock ticked along.....it warmed up!! We would go out for recess and it would be a little chilly but if you ran around enough you could break a sweat and warm up enough to not even notice. Then at the end of the day, the most wonderful thing of all would happen. We would leave school and the sun would be beating down on us and we would overheat within about 10 steps. We'd take our coat off and shove it in our backpacks and the warmth would make us smile and laugh and then we'd all remember how fantastic it is to be alive in a world where you can go outside comfortably. It was a strange amazing feeling that always sticks with me each season. It was when life seemed worth living rather than hiding out under layers of thick clothing and blankets. I hate the cold with every muscle in my body. I can't wait for spring this year more than ever because it means I am one season closer to giving birth to my very first child! It's the most wonderful, most important thing that could ever possibly happen.
Near the end of last week, I didn't feel much movement in the baby factory. Just last week I was sure she was building an exercise studio and then she just kinda stopped moving. I felt like she took 5 milestone steps back to the weeks where I would gasp and say "Oh my god was that a kick??" in reaction to the tiny little bumps I felt inside. As an almost mommy, I am constantly worried about her. There is never a moment where I let my guard down. She is all I think about. I need her to be ok at all times or it sends me into a panic fury. People tell me to relax but that advice gets me nowhere. I feel like saying "do you not understand that her heart can just stop beating?.....and what if it does and I wasn't prepared?....what if this little life is taken away from me?....do you not understand the pain I have to guard myself from?...you obviously don't get it if you tell me to relax...obviously". She's the most precious thing I have ever taken part in.
She actually did start moving more after a few days. For the past 2 days I have felt her quite a bit. But I think for now, she's clearly given up her exercise studio plans. I have 15 days till I can hear her heart again.
It seems the phrase I've heard most throughout the past 6 months is, "before you know it....". Feel free to fill in the dot dot dot with anything pregnancy or baby related and you'll understand. It can refer to weight gain, birth, Laurens 16th birthday..... whatever. Everyone seems to think pregnancy happens in the blink of an eye and "before you know it the baby is here!!" But those people couldn't be more dead wrong. I feel like I have been pregnant for AT LEAST 2 years. Each day is painstakingly slower than the next. Each pound takes forever and ever to gain. I feel as though I've been locked up in my house incubating this little child and missing out on so much life. At first I thought the world had clearly stopped and time was obviously standing still. I was thinking, was it the fact that this journey to get pregnant was so long? I know other people had a longer journey than we did but that doesn't undermine the length of my journey at all. It was still long and very painful. And I also wonder if people didn't know they were pregnant for awhile. I've known since week 2 that I was pregnant. So maybe that's why it feels longer, I'm not sure but it's definitely the longest wait of my life. I actually blocked out the entire next month in my mind. I forgot we have to go through both april and may!!!! I was thinking I would have this baby much sooner. I have 100 days left. Did you hear me?.... ONE HUNDRED!!!! That is a lifetime away. Uuuggghhhh. Seriously?
In 15 days my lovely husband will be painting the baby's room the pinkest pink we could find. This will be the first step toward setting up the room. Right now it still has our computer, tv and futon in it with no sign of a baby anywhere.
Honestly Pregnant,
Jen
2 comments:
I'm with you on this pregnancy feeling like it's taking forever! I also had a long and painful journey beforehand and also knew from week 2... so maybe that is a part of it. But being a teacher and looking forward to summer break as it is makes these last few months seem like they're never going to end!! Not to mention if I'm already this big, how big am I going to be 3 months from now!? At least it means we still have time to get things together, right? ;)
Yes, both of my pregnancies seemed like a million years. And then you have the baby and people tell you that it goes by so fast blah blah blah, and you don't believe them because the first six months goes by really really slowly (mostly because you're up around the clock for a portion of that), but then the next thing you know she's one year old and you're like "holy crap, all those people were right". The only thing you can really do is take a lot of pictures and video. Love,Jenny
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