Thursday, August 26, 2010

Mastering The Art Of French Cooking

The other day I mastered the art of French cooking. Ummmm ok so maybe not mastered, more like managed. And instead of French cooking it was more like grilled cheese. And instead of art it was more like balancing an infant in one hand while buttering bread with the other.

We had a nap-tastrophe yesterday. Lauren decided to test how long she could stay awake in one day. From 5:30-8:00 she was wide awake. That's AM to PM by the way. The only thing that made her happy was being held.

By me.

All day.

She dozed off for 10 or 15 minutes throughout the day but those naps are so short they don't even count. I never even had a chance to take a shower. I don't mind holding her. I actually love holding her. But I'm not comfortable with not having the option to put her down without mass hysteria coming out of every pore on her body. I actually put her down in curiosity and watched her scream just to see if I could locate the source of her hatred to being put down. Here is my analysis: Apparently there is a flesh burning substance covering the couch, the chair, the swing, the crib and the pack and play. Of course mommies are immune to this substance, therefore she must cling to me for dear life in order to be safe from touching any horizontal surface. That is, unless it is dark out, the fan is on, the lights are off and i am laying next to her. Then and only then she cant be harmed from it. Obviously that's the only logical explanation.


She's a good baby most of the time so I don't know why we have days like this.  She's actually sleeping soundly next to me right now on her play mat.  Her skin is not burning and she is quite happy. I adore my child but I am trying to adjust to the days where she is grumpy constantly and needs extra attention.  Those days weigh on me so heavily and tire me out and I don't get the chance to recover because she is non-stop in her neediness, understandably.  This is my life now. She will always need me.  I'm happy to be there for her because it's my job as a mom. I just hope someday she has a child that needs to suck on her boobs at 3 in the morning when she's tired and irritable because revenge is so sweet.


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

2 Month Letter


Last week you turned two months old. I was too busy to post this letter but I wrote it on time so that should count for something, right? Right. Lauren, My mind can't comprehend ever not having you in my life. The day you were born brought so much completeness in a way that just made so much sense to me. I've always known my purpose in life was to be a mother. Now I know my purpose was to be YOUR mother. In a way, I've always known you. I dreamt of you. I pictured your tiny hands holding mine so tight yet so gentle. Lauren, at only 2 months, you're everything I have ever wanted in a daughter.

This month you started smiling. At first, you would only smile at me and I secretly thought that was the best gift. Then you started showing your daddy that cute little happy face. Now you smile all the time. I can tell you truly know me and recognize me when you look in my eyes. You have a habit of cooing to me ever so softly after I've nursed you. You lock eyes with me and try to make precious little sounds. It seems that you still aren't so sure of yourself yet on how to make that mouth do what you want. And your tongue.... Oh that tongue. Seriously, Lauren you and that tongue. You are like a lizard always with that tongue! You can't even keep your pacifier in your mouth because of your constant need to be a snot and stick your tongue out. I adore it though, unless it's 3am. Then it's time to turn off the cute and turn on the sleep.

You are starting to sleep longer and longer. Except on days when I'm home alone with you. For some reason you stay awake all day only to end up super cranky and tired in the evening. Then daddy comes home and you conk out like you always do with him. You went 5 hours last week (while awake!!) without eating. I find myself panicking inside when you skip feedings. I want you to always be happy and fed. I promise you now, you will never go hungry .... except maybe on the occasion where you refuse to eat my meatloaf with broccoli or when you're a giant pain in the ass and I send you to bed without dinner!


Lauren, without you my house just wouldn't be the same. You taught me to be more patient. You taught me to be more of a participant in life. But most of all you taught me what floor boards creak and how to avoid them. I'm a better person with you, my darling daughter. It's been a pleasure to have these 2 months with you. Now let's get ready for month 3, kiddo! It's going to be a blast!



Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Working mama

Ladies and gentlemen.....Welcome to life as a working mom.

This past week kicked my ass big time as you can see by my previous post. This week I wanted to go into it with a new perspective. I accepted the fact that I will never sleep well again. Not that I ever really slept well before but, oh what I would give for 3 or 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Lauren is still breastfeeding so she can't go as long between feedings as a formula fed baby. From what I hear, switching to formula could buy me those sleep hours I've so been longing for. But I don't want to give up the nutritional benefits of breastmilk just yet. Plus I don't want to lose that bond we have when we nurse. It's our moment and I love it more than I ever thought possible. She looks up at me and wraps her tiny arm around me as she scratches with her little nails. A nice scratch. An "I'm comforted" type of scratch. She no longer falls asleep eating but she does still hit that fullness point where she gets giddy and high. Her body goes limp and her eyes glaze over and she just lays back with the most satisfied partial smile on her little chubby baby face. It makes me feel so needed and I love it. So yeah the no sleep thing.... Well, i don't really have a choice in this. If I want to keep breastfeeding I have to accept the fact that a full block of 2 hours sleep is as good as it going to get for now. It's tough to handle especially because once I'm up and spent all that time feeding, changing and putting her back to sleep, I can't fall back asleep so easily. I'm completely over the fact that I'm covered in regurgitated breastmilk and poop. I just can't shut my mind off.

The days where I get to stay home with Lauren are what I look forward to the most. Her personality is really starting to develop into this sweet gentle happy baby always dressed In pink. My early mornings are filled with the sound of her giggling to herself in her crib. Her feet kicking wildly. Her arms thrashing around. Those are the magical breathy little sounds I have waited so long to hear. I find myself just standing by her bedroom door peeking in to soak in the little rambunctious nugget as she let's all her energy out laugh by laugh until she finally laughs herself to sleep.....and.... It takes all of about 5 minutes.

Those are the things I will miss while I'm away at work. The little bits and pieces of her life spent away from me. At least she's young enough now that she doesn't cry when I leave her. That will tear my heart in two.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Funky Funk

So i'm in a bit of a funk. Ok, maybe more than just a bit. Honestly, I'm in one of the biggest funky funks ever.  Not with Lauren but with myself.  I know I am doing well as a mom because my little munchkin couldn't be happier. But anytime I have to be away from her, I panic. It's an issue with myself and I'm not exactly sure if this is related to the postpartum period or if this is a manifestation of my already existing anxiety.  It's like I can't exist separately from her.  In addition to starting on Zoloft, this was my first week back to work.  The night before my first day back I panicked all night long. I never fell asleep.  I just stayed in bed the whole time watching my beautiful Lauren sleep next to me in her pack and play.  It was an entire night of shaking and crying. I knew she would be ok with Tom's parents all day.  After all, they raised 3 children of their own successfully and they take care of my niece and nephew in California by themselves all the time.  So why the panic? I could say it was partially the Zoloft to blame as the side effects are insomnia, jittery feeling and nausea. But I am no stranger to these episodes of panic and I knew I just had to go with it and let it ride and just hope my heart didn't explode.  Usually these are symptoms I feel when Tom is away, specifically at night time.  And having him call or come home makes it go away immediately. But this was so different. I knew I had to go to work and leave her.  Calling off was not an option because I would just go through this again the next day I had to work. 

So off I went, in tears with bloodshot eyes and fatigue as big as can be. The whole way to work I stared at nothing on the T and fought off my desire to fall flat on my face, sobbing for my little girl.  I wanted so badly to get off and turn around and go back home.  Looking back, the whole day there was a complete blur but as it was happening, I assure you, it was the equivalent of spending six lifetimes gasping for air under a sea of the thickest fog imaginable.  Coping was next to impossible.  And yet, somehow I made it through the day by taking frequent breaks to text and call and spending time in the lactation room, pumping milk while watching videos of Lauren on my iPhone.

I never imagined it was going to be this hard. You would think I was the first mom to ever have to go through the trauma of being ripped away from her baby.  And after only one day away I decided I had to cancel our anniversary trip. I can't be away from Lauren overnight, let alone four days while she is still so tiny and dependant on my breastmilk.  Tom assured me I would want a break from her when he made the hotel reservation months ago. I didn't think much of it because I hadn't given birth yet so I didn't know how I was going to feel. It just seemed so far into the future but now that it's only two weeks away I can see I can't be away from her.  I feel so guilty as a wife to not give Tom the break he was looking forward to. But I have to put my health in front of that for now. I can't be having panic attacks while trying to enjoy a relaxing weekend to reconnect with my husband.  A sleepless, shaking, vomiting, paranoid state of mind is not really my idea of a reconnection with Tom. Add to that, I need to pump every three hours to keep my supply up, which includes setting an alarm and waking in the night, all while keeping track of how much she is eating so I can match it. I'm not really sure he gets it right now but, again I have to realize my health is important at this time in order to be there for Lauren. I just need some transitional time to get used to being away from her during the day before she spends an entire night away from me. Plus I really should be waiting until she is weaned from breastmilk. I told Tom he can take some time away from us if he needs it but I'm not sure he will take it or not.

I will continue to work three days a week and stay home with my darling girl on non-work days. This funkiness should be lifting soon as I continue to work through being a new mama and allow some time for my anxiety to diminish.

Staying Honest,