What i didn't expect

I've been having some back pain the past few days. It seems to be fine in the morning and starts creeping up on me after hours and hours in my office chair. By the time I'm home it's pretty bad but tolerable. All the books say the back pain will just keep increasing until delivery. That sucks more than anything. It's different from the sciatic pain I had briefly in the second trimester. That pain only hurt while standing or walking and it was in my butt not my back. This pain hurts most while laying on my side or standing. For the past couple nights I have layed on my side on the couch and it just feels like my back is bending into my body. The only relief is when I get up and change positions and then after 5 mins it's back. I'm trying to be tough because it's only going to get worse from here. I can't imagine what i would feel like had i gained 15-20 pounds like a typical pregnant woman.  I dont think my back pain is from my belly though.  It's from the relaxin hormone I assume.  For the next 2 and a half months I'm sure I'll just continue to get more and more uncomfortable and continue to grow bigger.

I got "what to expect the first year" book and started reading that. I was in the middle of "the vaccine book" but I couldn't stop crying about all the poison and side effects for diseases that are for the most part, eradicated. So I couldn't handle that anymore. I'll pick it up soon and power myself through it. Or I might just keep it as a reference guide to help me pick brands and combo vaccine choices. So I was reading "what to expect..." And it basically suggested I buy hardly any clothes for my newborn baby. I thought it was ridiculous!!! My baby needs to look cute even if she is going to throw up all over herself. The book suggested 2 nice outfits, a couple sweaters, pajamas and a buttload of plain onsies. I think she should wear cute stuff even if she is going to be home all day. I mean, I'm pretty much going to be taking pictures and videos of her 24/7 so she shouldn't look the same every day, right? Right.

I've been surprised by a few things lately that, of course, no one bothers to tell you about pregnancy until it's too late.  Here's what i've found:

-Only 1 out of 10 women actually experience their water break before getting to the hospital
-Epiduals can make your entire body itch
-Your newborn baby basically eats nothing for the first 4 days because your milk doesnt come in right away
-You can't submerge a baby in water until the umbilical cord falls off
-You can have contractions long before your due date

I'm sure i'll have more to add to the list but those were pretty shocking to me. 
Honestly,
Jen

11 weeks to go

I've been very busy lately getting the baby's room ready. Every spare moment I have is either shopping for things Lauren needs or putting together furniture or painting or making her things like the hand painted letters to the left. And the moments I am not working on her stuff I am trying to rest. I don't sleep much anymore and when I do it's interrupted often. I pee constantly through the night and I can't breathe with all the congestion and cramped lung space. I've been feeling more and more pressure on my bladder each day. It's very different than the first trimester peeing marathon. That was an unexplained urge to pee constantly. This time I feel actual pressure in addition to the swift kicks and punches directly on my bladder. She's growing steady now and I feel more and more confidant in her health and survival. Each week that passes I realize that she might actually come into this world alive and kickin. I know that seems odd that I question whether or not she'll survive but I'm a worrier by nature and this has been taken from me before so it's hard to believe that she'll really be here. Plus for me I think it's been extra hard because people are constantly commenting that I don't look pregnant and that I have no belly. I know I've only gained 3 pounds but my belly has been growing since day one and it seems like the only time I have actually looked pregnant has been when I wear really tight clothes which is not what I wear in public. The pictures you see on this website are the only outfits that show off my belly.  Only recently in the passed few weeks have people noticed my belly at work. I had my first stranger ask my due date at the craft store on saturday. That was weird. I assume people can't tell that I am pregnant so no one asks and I don't talk about it. So naturally I still have that "am I really pregnant?" feeling deep inside. I know I'm pregnant (obviously) but I just have that suspicion that she's not officially ok until I hold her in my arms. I feel this is a really common feeling among pregnant women and that is why I am always amazed when I meet a pregnant woman who has no doubt that her baby will turn out just fine.  I dont know how she can trust it so much.  I trust more and more each day and hopefully in 11 weeks or so she will be here and I will breathe a sigh of relief. 

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

Impatient

Happy 28 weeks! I had a doctors appointment on Wednesday morning after my glucose test, which by the way, came back normal, and no, i'm not going to tell my doctor i threw up.  I gained half a pound since my last appointment 3 weeks ago.  So that brings the grand total to 3 1/2 pounds gained throughout this pregnancy.  The doctor said my weight is fine and I'm measuring fine so I guess there is no cause for concern.  While i was at the appointment I signed my labor consent form.  I consented to a c-section if neccesary and an anesthesia epidural.  It was pretty weird to realize this is all really happening. I've been pregnant for so long I just assumed I would stay this way forever. As i was checking out and making my next appointment the receptionist mentioned how fast this month is going.  Tom agreed with her and I stood there in shock like "What is the matter with both of you??" I can't believe it is still March.  This month has felt like 4 months put together. I can't get out of this month no matter what I do.  The days are so long and tiring and filled with peeing and peeing and peeing. 

I took off work today to get away from the madness of the same old thing everyday.  Tom stayed home with me.  We slept, we went to lunch, we grocery shopped and he worked on Lauren's room while i ate fruit and cookies. Even outside of work this day is taking longer than a regular day.  I'm absolutely positive something has happened to my body causing time to slow down for me but no one else.  I wonder if this is a pregnant thing.  I'm so tired of people saying how close I am to my due date and how "Before you know it she'll be here". 3 months is a really really long time. 

Honestly Impatient,
Jen

All before 9am

5:30am- My morning began. I quickly got ready as fast as possible, skipping a shower as I had showered the night before in order to coordinate morning routines and bathroom time with Tom. I ran out the door into the rainy dark gross spring morning with my umbrella and tip toed through about 6,000 slimy earthworms all over the road.

6:00am- I took the T and rode 45 mins all the way to work in complete darkness. I really hate this time of year and all the darkness.

7:00am- I made it downtown with enough time to drop my lunch off in the office fridge and run back across the street to Quest diagnostics for my (queue doom music...dum dum dum) glucose test. I was already sick to my stomach from the anxiety of having to drink this awful stuff and have blood taken. Add onto that the fact that I'm pregnant, hungry and tired equals one big belly ache. I had made a 7:20 appointment and of course they only have one person working that morning and she takes a walk-in at 7:18 right before my appointment. Not sure how that's fair but I wait..... Finally she takes me 15 mins later. Then she informs me that I may not leave until my whole hour is up. Really? I can't walk across the street and get a magazine? Get real lady I'm not some street punk taking a drug test. I came here voluntarily. When I took this test at 12 weeks I was allowed to leave.

7:30am- So i'm in the room finally and I drink the second most disgusting drink ever disguised as a fruity orange flavor explosion. It makes me want to vomit the moment it hits my lips. Quest nazi stares at me and taps her pen while I drink it. Finally I finish and apologize for taking so long and I leave to go to the waiting room where there's no magazines and it smells like chemicals so bad I start to get dizzy. It's a new building so all the carpeting, wallpaper and woodwork is all new. And it smells new. Like really really overwhelmingly new. I plug my nose and close my eyes and try not to throw up.

8:00am- 30 minutes pass and I can't take it anymore. I decide to get up and take a bathroom break. The moment I stand up, it hits me....hard. The nausea was so overwhelming but I kept telling myself "don't throw up, don't throw up..". I walked down the longest hallway ever built and locate the bathroom. As soon as I opened the door my eyes immediately focus on the cup of pee sitting on the toilet paper dispenser. That was enough for me. I spun around and slammed the door shut. Now i'm alone with the pee so I try to breathe away the nausea. It didn't work. I walked over to the pee cup and covered it with toilet paper so I couldn't see it. Then I leaned over and threw up just a tiny bit. I straightened back up and then like a tidal wave, i threw up the rest of the entire drink. Wow I have never felt such a rush of relief in my life. I started furiously texting my sister for advice. What do I do? Do I tell? Do I pretend it didn't happen? Do I really care? I would have to reschedule and do this thing all over again. But what if I just shrug my shoulders and get the blood drawn and keep my mouth shut?? Will I die of diabetes if I mess up the test? Wow. This was a tough decision. I left the bathroom and went and sat back down in the waiting room and started looking online for advice. I found some websites saying you definitely have to redo the test if you throw up. But they were talking about throwing up immediately, not 40 mins later. Then I found a website that said as long as you kept it down long enough for your body to process the sugar you don't have to redo it. Hmmmmm. So I kept my mouth shut.

8:30am- I gave my blood and left without a word.

8:45am- Yum! Free pastry day at Starbucks.

It's over 8 hours later and I am still nauseas from that damn drink. I don't think I could possibly ever drink that stuff again. I'm going to wait for the results and see if it is a suspiciously low number. If it's really low I will fess up. But I honestly think I kept it down long enough. My doctors appointment is tomorrow. For now I will just not worry about it and sit back and continue to listen to enjoy the feeling my lil girl dance around in my belly. Stake it UK, lauren!!

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

My Journey

I wanted to make something clear because it seems there is at least one anonymous person out there who  thinks I am writing this blog to imply that I am going through a harder pregnancy than everyone else has. I have not stated anywhere in this blog that I am in more pain than anyone else and I certainly DO consider myself lucky to not have some of the complications that I have seen others go through. Without a doubt, my heart goes out to those women and I wish you health and wellness in your pregnancy and post pregnancy life. Those women are my inspiration and I look up to them and I try to soak in every bit of knowledge they have to offer me. One thing I have realized throughout this journey is that women feel the need to bring other women down for reasons I will never understand. I don't have a strong relationship with my mother and I do not live near any of my family members so I cherish the support you fellow blog readers & writers have for me as well as for others. Sometimes I feel like this blog outlet is all I have. It's very lonely. And that was my purpose of this blog. To share my experience with others in the hopes that it will help strengthen those who read it to know that they are not alone either. It is not a blog to claim that I am the only one who feels pain or anxiety (which I am clinically diagnosed with by medical professionals and it is not in my head or a self diagnosis). And it is not a blog to claim that I will reject my daughter if she chooses not to wear pink. I look forward to seeing her grow and make decisions for herself. I hope she lives a bigger life than I could ever dream for her. And I hope she is independent in her choices. I would never force her to be someone she is not. After all, she is my blood and will love her more than I ever loved anything in this world. I don't think decorating her room in gender neutral colors or decorating it all in pink will have any effect whatsoever on her development. I am her mother and I get to make these decisions not anyone else. It's hateful to assume that I would be a terrible mother for the things I have written online. I would never put down anyones parenting skills or opinions. I may disagree with your choices but I would never tell you that your choices are incorrect. We all have our own intuition and it differs from person to person. To whoever it is out there that clearly reads my blog just to go looking for someone to tear down to make themselves feel better: I wish you nothing but the best and hope you understand your words and actions to others are hurtful and I hope for your sake that no one comes down on you as hard as you have come down on me.


Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

27 weeks

Today is my 27th week. Tom started working on the baby room yesterday. He did some prep work and painting. He'll do a second coat on the trim this weekend. We're also picking up the hand-me-down rocking chair from his grandparents this weekend. It needs some refurbishing but it will be a nice addition to her room. I intend to hit the consignment shop on the way home to see if we can find any treasures. I'm all about recycling so I don't care if something is new or used as long as it's clean and safe and works properly.


So here I am in the third trimester. It's been quite a long road. I had a lot of women tell me when you aren't trying to get pregnant and you suddenly discover you are pregnant at 2 or 3 months, it seems like it flies by. And the same people said for their pregnancies when they found out right away, it seemed like an eternity till the end. Plus I assume being a first time mom it's going to seem longer because it's all new and uncharted and you don't know what to expect and you panic at everything. My least favorite thing is the time frame between doctors appointments. I feel like they are going to forget who I am. It takes FOREVER! I'm always convinced my chart will be covered in dusty cobwebs when I finally get there and they'll say "wow you're still pregnant?". I just can't stand all this waiting. And I have to be uncomfortable and fat while I wait which doesn't make it easier. Tom said to me "well it's only 3 months". Only??? What if you ONLY had a migraine for 3 months?? Huh? Yeah I thought so. Well at least I have the last of my monthly appointments coming up next week and then it will be every 2 weeks! YAY!


As you can see, I'm not very good in situations where I don't feel in control of my body and my surroundings. So this whole pregnancy thing is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done. I know kids will be even harder but that's a step I'll have to work up to and create a new normal for me and my family. I'm preparing myself for a breakdown of which I can't even imagine the severity. It's not that I'm not ready, I just have an anxiety disorder and that's just something I have to live with and work around.
 
 
I'm starting to think about what to pack for the hospital.  When should i have that stuff ready? And what was in your hospital bag? I need good tips, Mamas!

This is why i did it

I haven't really given much thought to a pediatrician yet. Except for the fact that I do not, repeat do not want monthly injections of immunizations containing metals into my daughters tiny body. Immunizations that cause fevers and seizures and the laundry list of complications along with it. I'm terrified to start looking. I want a relaxed schedule if not a moral exception to her getting the vaccines at all. I don't know how moms do it. I can't stomach even thinking about it. But an even bigger dilemma on that issue is daycare. I haven't begun to look for daycare for this tiny human I will soon shoot out of my vagina. I'm not sure if my in-laws will take up a portion of the task. I believe they said they want to help out but I haven't talked with them directly about it. They were actually going to move closer to us in a few months and they canceled their move for whatever reason. So now they are 40 mins away and I simply cannot drive 40 mins there and back for a babysitter even a few times a week. Can't do it. So I'm not sure what to do. And my biggest factor in undecidedness is that a daycare will require my child be fully vaccinated and up to date. So I'm kinda stuck in thought. I know Tom said his parents mentioned not wanting her to have to go to daycare but are they really going to drive to my house every day to babysit a screaming crying pooping baby at 630am? I seriously doubt it. I know if I were retired and my daughter was having a baby I would want to be with it every waking second but that's not the case for everyone. Grandma and Grandpa P. have lives so full that I can't imagine them wanting to slow down just for us. And I mean that in a positive way. I really admire how much they pack into their schedule. They also frequently fly to california to see their other grandchildren as often as possible. Without their early retirement, that would not have been possible for them to be able to get so much out of life. So I guess the pediatrician issue will be discussed at my next OB visit and maybe they have some recommendations for me. And hey, maybe they'll even point me in some helpful directions for child care too.




On another unrelated issue, I was reading dooce.com this morning as I always do. I am still catching up from the beginning and working my way to her current mommihood posts. And I read this post from 2/03/05 that made me cry right there on the T in front of my other public transportation buddies. This is her blog post about her daughter turning 1 year old:


Here you are now, a year after they laid you on my chest and you reached your arm out to me. Those first few weeks with you have changed me forever. They were the hardest, most terrifying weeks of my life, not because you weren't wonderful in every single way, but because I was not as confident as I thought I was going to be. I was not prepared IN ANY WAY for what having a baby would do to my life, to my heart, to my capacity for worry and love. There were at least three feet of old snow on the ground outside, and the days were dark and cold. Your father couldn't get very many days off work, and during that time it felt like my spirit was being shoved through a paper shredder. I didn't think I'd last a month. Here I've managed to last 12 months, but of course "lasting" could be interpreted several different ways. And you did, too! LOOK AT YOU GO. You are a totally different kid now than when we brought you home. For one, you sleep at night. I didn't think that would ever happen...... Leta, I feel like I have been given a second chance at life, a life through the magic of your eyes, a life that I am finally able to appreciate fully since I got the help I needed for my disease (depression/anxiety). The world has more color in it because you are looking at it, music is a bit louder because you are hearing it. I never knew how funny a noise could be until you laughed at it, or just how excruciatingly handsome your father was until I saw your profile next to his. I thought that there was meaning in my life before you came along, but Hell if I even knew the meaning of meaning. For the majority of my life I thought I had religion, but never has there been a more reverent moment in my life than walking into your room late at night to watch you breathe, to hear your life in the air. If there is a God, you'd certainly be proof that he or she exists.


Love,
Mama


If that isn't love, I don't know what is. This really opened my eyes to what I am about to experience as a mom. While I am terrified as hell (mostly about lack of sleep), I knew this was the reason I wanted kids. I immediately wrote her an email thanking her for that touching email making me realize I am going to be ok. By the afternoon she wrote me back and said:

Jen,


Thanks so much for your kind email. Messages like this always brighten my day. It's nice to know that there are people out there who understand what I do and enjoy it.
Thanks for sharing a bit of yourself and know that you are the reason I do this.


Much love,
Heather


I will continue to write my blog because of her inspiration. She shared her struggles and smiles with the world and I want to pay it forward. I hope maybe I can bring a smile to at least one persons face. And if not then I hope I can at least can walk them through my experience and maybe that will help them walk through it themselves knowing they aren't alone. Thank you to all of you who read my blog. And a special thanks to those of you who comment back and offer me kind caring support and laugh along with me throughout this journey. I appreciate every single word.

Honestly,
Jen

Womb dancing

Last night I woke up at 2am and tossed and turned half asleep for about a half an hour until I realized I had to pee as usual. When I got back in bed I laid down and closed my eyes. Normal non-pregnant Jen would have fallen back asleep immediately and that would have been the end of it. But pregnant Jen's mind can't turn off. I started allowing myself permission to just call in late to work thinking that would ease the anxiety so I wouldn't worry about the alarm clock. But last night my brain was extra screwy because we changed our clocks this weekend. I don't know why that would matter at 2am but it did. It just did. So anyway I finally started to doze off and this child inside decided it was time to dance. I swear if I turned the light on you would have seen my stomach moving from the outside. She was kicking that hard!!! And fast too!! She was clearly trying to keep me awake. I wish Tom had been awake to feel it. It was the most ridiculous display of kicking this kid has ever done. And she never does this during the day. Only at night when I'm exhausted and trying to sleep. She better think twice about sticking to that schedule outside of the womb. Mama needs sleep.




Tom is the only other person that has felt her kick. She mostly kicks before bed or in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep.....mostly. But today proved to me that this kiddo has got a new agenda. She was banging around in there like a mosh pit at a death metal concert or maybe more like a sassy girl dance troop. This kid hasn't slept a wink all day. I'm positive all she has done is wiggle and kick since last night. I'm not really sure how it works but maybe she's involuntarily kicking even while she's sleeping. Is that possible? When I can get someone else to feel this aspiring dancer move her fancy feet I'll let you know. But for now she's a secret dancer that only kicks for her Daddy and Mama. That's our little girl!

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

Baby shopping

This weekend was big for shopping for baby stuff.  My sister was in town so we went to the outlet mall. It rained the whole day which made me extremely gloomy.  It was hard to enjoy a day in the rain. With so much winter weather this season i can't enjoy my days anymore unless it's sunny.  I swear i need at least a week of sun to get over this funk.  So anyway i bought some much needed bras at the gap 50% off!! i got myself a dress at old navy and some tank tops.  I love a pregnant belly in a dress.  It just screams womanly to me.  My favorite part of the day was trying to buy underwear and having the ever hilarious Hanes store clerk tell me, "Never buy maternity underwear.  You know when you've hit an all time low when your underwear touches your bra". Ladies, after working at a maternity store years ago, i can officially speak for the pregnant women and say more than an average amount of women highly advise against maternity underwear.  Just dont do it!!

The outlet we went to has an overwhelming number of baby stores.  I fell in love with the Carter's outlet. Everything in that store is beyond adorable. Here are the outfits i bought:

I finally broke down and bought non-pink clothes.  I have bought nothing but pink since the moment i found out it was a girl. I just want her to be as girly as possible.  I think if she became a tomboy i would cry. 

We also went to ikea and bought a dresser, changing table and shadow box picture frames. I'm going to frame her first hat and socks in the frame and hang them on her wall.  I want to savor everything thats hers forever and ever. 

Jen

Exploding belly

Now that my belly clearly shows that I am a pregnant woman and I can wear maternity pants, I would like to say that it feels really great not to try to look thin. Generally my non-pregnant self always tries to stand up straight and suck in my tummy and keep my shoulders back. Good posture is important to me. But it feels really liberating to bare my tummy and the best part is that people have told me it's cute. I would hate to be one of those woman that get told "oh my god your so big!" But I'm sure that will be me in 3 months anyway. And while we're on that subject of big bellies, please don't say to me or any pregnant woman that she looks like she's "going to pop". It sends visions of an exploding belly with baby parts, my guts and maybe some confetti bursting out in a giant bloody mess. And if it doesn't send you that particular vision, I would honestly like to know what vision you have of a pregnant woman "popping"? Seriously let me know.




Tomorrow I turn 26 weeks. The countdown continues at 14 weeks left to incubate. Lauren continues to favor kicking the right side of my belly which is fine. It works out well for Tom because I have to lay on my left side on the left side of the bed so that leaves my right side facing up so he can put his hand there and feel her clumsy bumps. Tom was off of work today so he was still in bed when my alarm went off. I pressed snooze and layed back down and Tom snuggled up to me and put his arm around me. He must've thought I was asleep and he felt her kick with his forearm so he stuck his hand under my shirt on my belly to feel her kick. It was quite possibly the sweetest thing a man has ever done in the history of all men. I'm so lucky to have him. He's going to be the worlds most amazing Dad on the planet. Especially because he went to Lowe's today and bought his daughter's pink room paint. I can't explain how freakishly in love with him I am. Lauren is going to love her daddy so much. I'll have to fight her for him.

So I wanted to ask a question. What is a good nickname for Lauren? The only thing I thought of so far is Elle or L but I'm not sure I will actually call her that as a baby. It sounds like a teenager name. Please gimmie all your thoughts. I appreciate your feedback.

Honestly,
Jen

Comments Are Appreciated

I did want to drop a little note that I love the feedback i receive but it always seems to come in the form of text, emails and facebook comments. I would really enjoy your comments left right here on my site so please feel free to comment away right on the site!! You don't have to sign in, just click comment below the post you would like to comment on.  But obviously if you would like your comment to be kept private then you can email me: Jenishell@yahoo.com
Thanks Preggo fans!

"Before you know it....."

Spring is coming. The spring memories are always the strongest memories for me. Every morning when I walk outside in the spring I remember a happy childhood of bundling up as tight as possible in my ugly puffy winter coat and gloves. The amount of cold I felt in the spring morning was uncountable. But the best thing happened in spring time. As the clock ticked along.....it warmed up!! We would go out for recess and it would be a little chilly but if you ran around enough you could break a sweat and warm up enough to not even notice. Then at the end of the day, the most wonderful thing of all would happen. We would leave school and the sun would be beating down on us and we would overheat within about 10 steps. We'd take our coat off and shove it in our backpacks and the warmth would make us smile and laugh and then we'd all remember how fantastic it is to be alive in a world where you can go outside comfortably. It was a strange amazing feeling that always sticks with me each season. It was when life seemed worth living rather than hiding out under layers of thick clothing and blankets. I hate the cold with every muscle in my body. I can't wait for spring this year more than ever because it means I am one season closer to giving birth to my very first child! It's the most wonderful, most important thing that could ever possibly happen.



Near the end of last week, I didn't feel much movement in the baby factory. Just last week I was sure she was building an exercise studio and then she just kinda stopped moving. I felt like she took 5 milestone steps back to the weeks where I would gasp and say "Oh my god was that a kick??" in reaction to the tiny little bumps I felt inside. As an almost mommy, I am constantly worried about her. There is never a moment where I let my guard down. She is all I think about. I need her to be ok at all times or it sends me into a panic fury. People tell me to relax but that advice gets me nowhere. I feel like saying "do you not understand that her heart can just stop beating?.....and what if it does and I wasn't prepared?....what if this little life is taken away from me?....do you not understand the pain I have to guard myself from?...you obviously don't get it if you tell me to relax...obviously". She's the most precious thing I have ever taken part in.


She actually did start moving more after a few days. For the past 2 days I have felt her quite a bit. But I think for now, she's clearly given up her exercise studio plans. I have 15 days till I can hear her heart again.

It seems the phrase I've heard most throughout the past 6 months is, "before you know it....". Feel free to fill in the dot dot dot with anything pregnancy or baby related and you'll understand. It can refer to weight gain, birth, Laurens 16th birthday..... whatever. Everyone seems to think pregnancy happens in the blink of an eye and "before you know it the baby is here!!" But those people couldn't be more dead wrong. I feel like I have been pregnant for AT LEAST 2 years. Each day is painstakingly slower than the next. Each pound takes forever and ever to gain. I feel as though I've been locked up in my house incubating this little child and missing out on so much life. At first I thought the world had clearly stopped and time was obviously standing still. I was thinking, was it the fact that this journey to get pregnant was so long? I know other people had a longer journey than we did but that doesn't undermine the length of my journey at all. It was still long and very painful. And I also wonder if people didn't know they were pregnant for awhile. I've known since week 2 that I was pregnant. So maybe that's why it feels longer, I'm not sure but it's definitely the longest wait of my life. I actually blocked out the entire next month in my mind. I forgot we have to go through both april and may!!!! I was thinking I would have this baby much sooner. I have 100 days left. Did you hear me?.... ONE HUNDRED!!!! That is a lifetime away. Uuuggghhhh. Seriously?



In 15 days my lovely husband will be painting the baby's room the pinkest pink we could find. This will be the first step toward setting up the room. Right now it still has our computer, tv and futon in it with no sign of a baby anywhere.

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

Maternity clothes/Mommyhood

Today I made my first maternity clothes purchase. I had my heart set on going to old navy and when I called to confirm they still had their maternity section, I was informed they got rid of it. So I ventured out to Target and on my way there I spotted an A&W and quickly pulled over and inhaled a bacon cheeseburger, small fries and a root beer float while sitting in my car in the parking lot. If you know me well, you know that I do not eat a burger without dissecting it first. I remove the bun, wipe the sauce off, throw away the tomato and half the onion, eat the pickles separately and then I eat the patty with a knife and fork. Well, something hormonal and strange came over me and for the first time in my life I ate the entire burger, bun and all, like a regular person.... And I loved it!



Then I finally made it to Target and bought a pair of work pants, 4 tops, 2 pairs of jeans and a dress. That will last me a few days. I'll have to go back for round 2 on pay day next week. Good thing my sister will be in town to help me shop. I'll be buying Lauren some clothes too.


I was thinking recently and I wanted to get something off my chest about the way I have been treated in this pregnancy. I wanted to talk about the different types of women I have encountered. There are two types of moms. Advice moms and pity moms. The advice moms are the ones I usually tend to hate. They are the ones who when engaged in conversation about my pregnancy/labor/babyhood they will literally tear your heart open with horror stories and comments that force even your toes to cringe with disgust and panic. These women seem to think that it is their job to educate you on all of the awful things that will happen to you. They tell you that you're life is over. They tell you how fat you will get. They tell you that you'll never sleep again. They tell you to suck it up because it's utterly impossible to have it worse than they had it....obviously. They seem to want to bring you down because, hmmm I don't know, maybe they were shocked about what they went through and they feel a little Snidely Whiplash about it like now it's their turn to haze a new mommyhood member. I'm not sure I understand these women because most of the time, I don't know these women very well. They seem to just sniff you out just to ruin your day.


Then there are the pity moms. Those are the moms that never tell you any of the bad stuff. They just look at you with their sad pity eyes because they've been there and they know what you're going through and they know better than to piss you off. Because they know that there's nothing they can say to help you and there's no point in telling you what to expect because it may scare you or anger you and no one wants to be on the receiving end of an angry pregnant woman... except the advice moms above. These women are gracious and polite and they are the ones that will hug you and cheer you along when you are feeling at your worst. I hope to be one of these moms after this kid is out. I know I do a lot of complaining about this pregnancy, but underneath all the cynical ramblings lies an amazing gratitude of being given this responsibility. I posses a very real appreciation for the beauty of this experience because I have lived through the pain of having had it taken away. So after this baby is born and it's my turn to pass the torch, I will be sure to approach the next woman with dignity and support. I will answer her questions honestly but I will never intend to gross her out or make her cry like women have done to me. And for that reason I will not be reading any literature on labor or delivery and I will not be making a birth plan. I don’t want to know what it will be like and I don’t want to try to prepare myself because it will just make me anxious and nervous and cry and neither of us need that now do we?


Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

25 weeks

I'm 25 weeks today. This is a point which I never thought I would reach. I was convinced I was destined to be infertile and childless for the rest of my life. And it killed me to think that way about myself but it's true. This morning on the T ride to work a woman behind me yelled and tormented her son the entire way into the city. He was no older than 4 or 5 and she screamed at him and threatened him to do as she told and then threatened to take everything away from him if he didn't obey. The thing is, he was just sitting there. I didn't understand what she wanted. He wasn't crying or whinning or disobeying anything. He was just sitting there silently afraid to move. You could tell this was a common occurrence between her and her son. All the innocent bystanders kept looking at each other in disgust. None of us knew what to do to protect this little boy and yet all of us knew if we tried to intervene , his mom would kick our ass. As I got off the T to go to work. I couldn't help but think "why does this woman have children and I don't?"




I had a doctors appointment tuesday night. I found out I gained 5 pounds!! Wow!! The nurse said she'd never seen a pregnant woman so happy to have gained weight before. I think my doctor ended up being more happy than me. Apparently, according to her, it was extremely late to gain weight. But she was very proud. Then she proceeds to tell me I better be eating healthy. Well what do you want?? I lost 3 pounds while trying to eat healthy and gained 5 pounds when I just ate anything I wanted. So it's either eat healthy or gain weight. You pick, doc.

Speaking of food, I want to express my obsession with a friendly neighborhood joint called taco bell. It had been a very important part of my life since my early teens when they first came to town and formed a combo restaurant with KFC. My life has never been the same. I'm not sure why my husband doesn't share my love of "the bell". He likes it as much as the next person I suppose. But me, I fiend for it like a hungry lioness in the savannah. I want it with so much intensity that I will take no substitutions. So when I moved out to pittsburgh 5 years ago it was quite delighting to have a taco bell nearby tom's parents apartment (where we stayed for the first 4 months upon moving here). As I drove back and forth to my mall jobs at mimi maternity and american eagle I would stop at taco bell almost everyday and eat it in my car in the parking lot. I felt bad because his parents didn't understand why I loved it and always suggested that I eat what they cooked. Well I was depressed about losing my house in NY and having to move in with someone and start my life over again away from my family and the only thing that could soothe me was tacos, nachos and burritos. And they were required to be from taco bell. When we moved out to our own apartment, it just so happened that there was no taco bell drive thru near us. We actually had to go into the mall food court and pick it up. Luckily I worked in that mall for the next 2 years after that and I had taco bell at my fingertips. But now that I'm working in the city I am not near a taco bell that is convenient for me. Being pregnant... that is utterly devastating. I need my fix like you have no idea! And this is coming from someone who likes to eat organic and healthy so this is obviously my exception. And unfortunately I don't have one of those husbands who is willing to go out at will and get my pregnancy cravings by request. So now I'm kinda stuck without taco bell unless I drive myself. Maybe I can convince him at some point.  But hey... I'm not so sure what I'd be willing to do for my pregnant wife in this weather either. 

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

Dance, Dance Revolution

I was innocently trying to fall asleep last night when Lauren decided it was time to play Dance, Dance Revolution in my belly. I'm pretty sure she was competing for a very prestigious competition or maybe just her own personal record but she sure deserved first place with all that fancy foot work. It was quite an effort. She left me exhausted just experiencing her performing all that rhythmic stepping.

After the show was over and I was finally able to fall asleep, I swear, my alarm went off immediately. I hate that damn alarm with all my blood, sweat and tears. It ruins my morning every time. I don't think I can ever have a functional relationship with my alarm. I hate her and she hates me. Yes, her. She's spiteful and manipulative and sneaks up on me. She thinks all of this is quite hilarious of course. Damn you alarm bitch!

Tomorrow is my next doctors appt. It's the one I'm dreading. The famous glucose test prescription will be written and I will cry. I've already done one glucose test because my sugar was high last year at my routine physical when I was with pregnancy #1 so they made me do it early with pregnancy #2. I was a good witch and I fasted like I was told to. I was absolutely dying of hunger that day. I couldn't sleep the night before. I was so sick that morning and they made me chug this high fructose artificially flavored lemon-lime flat gross puke of a drink in 10 mins. Then I went and saw my miracle baby for the first time in her first ultrasound. It was so beautiful, like crazy beautiful. Then I returned an hour later for my blood draw. She took at least 6 vials of blood and I cried. Then as I put my sweatshirt back on I mentioned how I was off to eat as much as I could because I was slowly dying from fasting. The nurse looks at me and says with a dead stare "you know this wasn't a fasting test, right?". She's a bitch just like my alarm clock.

So I don't have a happy relationship with this glucose test and now you know why. And since I just bought 4 packages of easter candy to eat and cherish all by myself I better not have high sugar because I won't be able to eat it. But at least this time I'm not going through morning sickness because throwing up lemon-lime syrup in the burger king parking lot after that test was not exactly a warm fuzzy memorable moment.

Mama Jen