Maternal Instinct

I lost myself a long time ago back when I became obsessed with babies. My overwhelming all consuming maternal instinct to start a family began years and years ago. Something inside me clicked and I immediately knew I would never be ok until I had a child. This was maybe about 5 years ago that it started. I looked around me and hated everything about the way I lived my life. I hated my job. I hated my friends. I hated going out. I hated eating dinner alone. I hated the nothing that my life was. Here I was 22 years old with no education working a dead-end job and I kept saying if I had children then my life would be refocused on that and not my circumstances. I still believe that to be true because more than half of this country hates their job and even more people work jobs outside of the field they studied in. I've never had a desire for my job to be my life. I've always wanted my family to be my life even if we lived in the gutter. Unfortunately my circumstances were that I was flat broke, deeply in debt, friendless, dating a guy who literally worked from morning well into late night so there wasn't any possible way to bring a baby into that situation. I wasn't always like that though. I had good friends and a firm family foundation. I was fun. I was funny. I was really enjoying my life. But even though I was still fairly young, the intrusive thoughts of mommyhood just bombarded me. On top of other reasons, I withdrew and slowly said to myself that this current life doesn't count and I will start over when I have babies. THAT will be my real life. I just kept thinking when I am a mom, this will be different, I will be happy. Now that my baby is on the way....... FINALLY...... I am wondering if all my dreams will come true. I assume the love I feel for her will be the most amazing thing I will ever feel in my life. I also assume she will take over my world with her wants and needs and I will lose more of myself. But my hope is that a new me will emerge. A me called mommy that will live and breathe for my child in ways that I never knew were possible. Good ways overlapping the bad ways. Because I'm aware this part isn't going to be all glittery rainbows and precious furry kittens and unicorns. I just hope she will give me the fulfillment that this wait was all worth it. Going through this pregnancy journey other people seem to want to constantly bring me down by telling me awful things about how my life will be quickly ruined once my baby is born and I will have my feet pulled out from under me and fall flat on my face (in baby poop, no less). Family members, friends and co-workers have gotten right in my face and said once this child arrives my life is over and I will never get to do the fun things I do now. I'm not sure they realize that I don't do anything fun now. Haha! I look at all the adult things I could be doing right now and all I can think is how badly I just don't want to do them. I wish I was at the park or volunteering at school, instead of a friday night out drinking. I wish I was at my daughters school play, video taping and applauding as the most proud parent in the room. I wish everyday that I was in THAT world. I just can't fathom wanting to go out anywhere without my little munchkin daughter connected to me. I know you're probably thinking I'm crazy and that I won't feel that way once I have her and she starts driving me crazy. We'll see because I still want to be with Tom every moment even after 10 years. He never gets to be too much for me.


Honestly,
Jen