Emotions

I broke down today at work and cried in my cubicle all alone. It seems that my hormones and lack of sleep is really getting to me. I haven't really been eating and the only time I'm hungry is in the middle of the night and of course I'm not getting out of bed to eat that's ridiculous. I just don't know how I'm going to handle a baby. It seems like too much right now. I can't imagine it getting harder. Of course I'm not stupid and I know this is easy compared to raising a child. And experienced mom's are sure to throw that in my face every time I complain. Where's the support ladies? I'm sure you felt that way too. And I'm not exactly the type to tell me to toughen up. It only breaks me down more.




I also read some extremely disturbing news today. Webmd.com says do not use NSAID's (aspirin, ibuprofen, naproxen) while trying to become pregnant and during pregnancy. NSAID's have been linked to increased miscarriage risk, especially at the time of conception and when an NSAID is used for longer than a week. I had never heard this. I haven't used advil with this pregnancy and as soon as I found out I was pregnant with my first child I immediately stopped advil. But I'm positive I was taking it regularly for my unbearable TMJ pain at the time of conception. So now I feel completely responsible for my miscarriage. I already felt responsible because of my anxiety but now this sort of proves it to me. And I know people are going to say there was no way to know that's what caused it. And they are right. But there's no way to know that's not what caused it either. And even when I told Tom, he said "well that solves that". My heart shattered. It's my fault. I feel like a murderer. I just don't know what to do with this information. I specifically went to the doctor before trying to conceive to make sure there was anything I needed to know not to eat or do. She mentioned alcohol and folic acid and said nothing else. That child would have been about 3 1/2 months old now.



For now I will try not to dwell on that but I know I have a lifetime of regret coming up on me.



There's another winter storm that started a few hours ago. It's supposed to be up to another additional 6 inches on top of the almost 3 feet we have now. I hope my power stays on. Tom's working late and I'll probably curl up on the couch with my cat. Hopefully Lauren will get active inside my belly and keep me occupied.




Jen