I laid awake last night for quite awhile just staring into the darkness thinking about how quiet it was and how lucky I am to have the choice to stay awake or sleep at any moment in my life, given that I am not currently working, driving or crossing a busy street. I realized this choice I have will soon be stripped away from me. Life will suddenly stop being about my needs and be totally about another little pink creature that I'll have to respond to with each beckon call or violent scream. Right? Cuz I heard something once that babies, they like to scream just a bit. So I'm laying in bed in the darkness and Tom is like a corpse next to me except for the breathing part and I thought how I could go into labor right this moment and all of this will go away with the blink of an eye. And it didn't scare me at all. I realized how ready I am emotionally in times like that. My family feels very incomplete.
My 15 week pregnant sister and I had a text conversation the other day about labor. She's scared of the epidural needle and the pain of pushing. And I suddenly noticed how unafraid I am to give birth. I've been chronically complaining on this blog for months that my biggest fear is losing sleep and staying overnight in a hospital and that still remains true. I am unexpectedly not afraid of labor pain one bit. And I'm not saying it isn't going to hurt because I know it will hurt. And I know I will cry and scream and will want to rip out all of Toms chest hairs one by one in sadistic revenge. But I've continuously heard the more calm you are the less painful it will be. When your body seizes up and resists pain it ends up feeling more painful. (Supposedly.....) So I'm trying to stay in the "rip off the bandaid quick" mindset and just do it! I'm going to head face first into it and grit my teeth and power through. Ok so that's my plan. I'm sticking with that plan and that's that.
After all, I think nature intended pregnant moms to be so annoyed towards the end of their term that they'll be willing to go through pretty much anything including being forced to sit through countless episodes of bad tv in order to get their baby out. It's very interesting how nature manipulates and tricks you into being ok with the pain. I feel very tricked. But I am doing my best not to pass down any "told ya so" thoughts or anything when I talk to other newly pregnant women so I don't make them any more miserable than they already are. I try to be encouraging and yet I do acknowledge how shitty this whole situation truly is for us.
Tonight tom and I will be going to dinner for the last time as a twosome. We don't go out to dinner often. Valentines day was the last nice dinner we had out just the two of us. We're more of a cook at home type of couple. So we're taking this opportunity to sit and linger and take our time and enjoy each other without worrying about a baby at home. Plus there's no added expense of paying a babysitter! I never thought I would miss it being just him and I. I've so desperately wanted children that my life has always felt incomplete. Looking back I should have enjoyed us more in our prechildren life. But while in the moment, I just couldn't do it. I've always had that nagging thought that we were unfinished. So just like no one appreciates beauty and youth while they are young and beautiful, I did not appreciate my non parental life. So tonight I get the privilege of enjoying my husband before children overtake my life. And while I'm at it, maybe I'll throw in some beauty and youth.
Honestly Pregnant,
Jen
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