35 weeks

"...but there in the dark as the minutes were counted out in a machine gun spray of syllables, it seemed like all of the hours that ever were, a collection of time so vast that I could have witnessed the Colorado River carve out the Grand Canyon, one layer of dirt at a time." -Heather Armstrong, dooce.com




So I hate to admit it but I am really depressed. I don't know if it's because I am helpless to getting this child out or if it's truly a clinical depression. I feel so alone like this is never going to end. I am angry every morning when I have to wake up and face the world. I want to stay in bed all day away from humans and society. I want my pregnancy to be over so badly because it feels like the only thing that will make this feeling go away. I don't know how to bring it up to my doctor without looking like an impatient grumpy nine month pregnant woman. I feel she will just tell me to wait it out and I would have to agree with her. It wouldn't be safe to start medication at this point. If I can stick it out a few more weeks then we can explore some options then. But it's a terrifying black hole of nothing to be in my body right now. My biggest fear is that my depression will worsen once she's born due to postpartum. I don't really know what to do. Waiting it out feels like it will never end. I want to crumble into a ball and cry every time someone tells me I'm almost there. I snap at them and tell them "you try being miserable for weeks and weeks on end and tell me how you feel". But my brain isn't comprehending that this will ever end. Every day I reflect back and think Holy crap that's it?? I just suffered through an endless eternity of yuck and you mean to tell me that was just one day?



In the midst of this, my coworkers threw me a baby shower yesterday. They got me a great big bag of gifts, fried chicken and cupcakes. It was so thoughtful and sweet. I'm glad I work with such amazing people who care. Their generosity helped me get through at least one more day. Thanks guys.



I'm celebrating 35 weeks today. I've spent nine long months growing a human inside me and as anxious as I am to get her out, I am also anxious for a great big cold glass of vanilla vodka and coke. I'd like to think Lauren would want me to have one too. That girl is all about other peoples happiness.....

She is actually the complete opposite.

She waits until right when I lay down to sleep to start training for the ultimate fighting championship. Then when she's done swinging fists and drop kicking her imaginary fetus friends, she gives herself a nice leisurely stretch cool down. She stretches out her arms and legs as far as she can. She is not intimidated by the confinement of her womb. In fact, I think she sees her lack of space as a challenge which she must conquer. How dare I limit her room to wiggle around!! Then when her cool down is complete, she settles down for a nap. Her nap is short-lived though. She'll be up in a few hours, which means I'll be up in a few hours. I am the lightest sleeper on the planet so just one slight kick is enough for me to be pulled out of the deepest sleep. I wish I could say I was having deep sleep these days but I'm constantly interrupted with the toilet screaming my name or by the panicking lack of lung function. This must be what it feels like to have asthma.



It's nice to know she's active and moving around in there as she should be. But it's getting a little old at this point. I'd love to be able to pull her out and give her the freedom to thrash about without restrictions. I love to watch babies do that full body excitement thing where their limbs go berserk with pleasure. I can't wait to see you do that, baby girl. I can't wait to see your face and kiss you. And that thought right there, that's what's keeping me going.


Honestly Pregnant,
Jen