36 weeks

I have about 4-6 weeks of non-mama life left. In a way I feel like "HUUUURRRY UUUUPP" and in a bittersweet way that shows up in rare moments in my day, I feel like I could stay childless forever. I mean that in the way that my life was pretty nice pre children even though it felt incomplete. There were times I said to myself "never could I ever do this with a baby". And yes, I still feel completely overwhelmed with the thought of taking care of another human life. I'm not usually the type to say I want to do things on my own but I definitely feel that way about my child and, yes that is probably adding to my anxiety. It's not that I don't trust people, I just don't know what their version of baby care is. If there's anything that scares me more, it's fear of the unknown or lack of control. I know, I know, you're rolling your eyes thinking "Jen, get over yourself" and I agree with you but sometimes your mind takes over and it's not so easy to control.




I had my 36 week check up yesterday. I got so extremely nervous the night before that I didn't sleep well. Then I was sick all day. Nervous about this horrifying strep b culture. Do you know how they do this test? Yeah it involves cotton swabs and your butt. So of course, naturally I freaked out and everything that was ever put into my body all started coming out in the hour before my appointment. This is what happens when I get nervous. But I didn't realize that was why I was nervous until it was too late to buy some immodium. I told the nurse how sick I was, which was obvious since I was in her bathroom for 20 mins while they waited for me in the exam room. She took pity on me, thank goodness, and said we could postpone it until next week if I wasn't feeling up to it. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the doctor not wanting to examine someone fresh from a 20 min bathroom experience. So that calmed me down somewhat. Then the doctor measured my belly and said I was measuring at 33 weeks still. She ordered an ultrasound and said it was probably either the baby's position or that I was just petite and going to have a small baby. She also said my weight gain was perfect. So for all the people who tell me I'm not gaining enough, unless you have an MD after your name, I'm over hearing it.



I called around and tried to get an ultrasound appt for that day since I was off work the rest of the day. Of course, no luck, so now I have to miss even more work and go in tuesday next week to see why my little one is measuring so small. I don't mind missing work when it's necessary but I just so happen to be having a baby the same year of the worst snow storm of my lifetime and missed like 4 days of work due to it. I'm running out of time to take off very very quickly. Alot of people have told me that measuring small is no big deal and it happens all the time.  So thats comforting.  We'll see. 

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen