6 more weeks inside

At 8 months (really 9 months, stupid america) I was so incredibly certain that strangers would rub my belly in public places and it has yet to happen. I may be jinxing myself, which I completely believe is possible. If so, I'll just rub their bellies back. If you can bring positive energy into your life, why can't you bring negative energy into your life. That's the concept behind "The Secret" right? I wouldn't know. I didn't have the patience to read it. Did rent the DVD though but it was scratched so I popped it back in the netflix envelope and sent it back without reordering it. Oh well. So I'm pretty sure you can bring an unimaginable amount of negativity into your life if so desired...or maybe even subconsciously. I'd have to say I am an expert at bringing bad vibes into my life. Not bad people. Just bad vibes. I always assume the worst. I'm trying to change my attitude but I know it's not really an attitude adjustment quick fix. It's the way I have lived my whole life so I don't know any different.


Tom said to me last night, "Do you think Lauren will bring you a sense of peace and calm finally? Like everything will finally fit?" I sat there and thought for a minute and then said I didn't know because, really,  I can't see the future. I hope so. I know all I've wanted for years and years is a child so you'd think after I get that, I'm all set right? Well I don't really think it's that simple. I might even be worse off than I was pre-baby. I think there's no way to know how you'll react to something until it happens. Like when my sister was hit by a car in high school, I was so sure if I was put in a traumatic situation that I would be the first to jump into action. But I just stood there frozen. I couldn't speak. I couldn't even move. I just stared at her in the street. I never even snapped out of it to walk up to her until the ambulance came and put her on a stretcher. So with this baby I am not setting myself up for any disappointment. I'm assuming that I will either be the happiest mama in the whole wide world or sink into deep post-partum depression. That's the range I am giving myself. And I've decided it's ok whichever one happens because it's beyond my control. I'm not going to let the fear of being a bad mom cripple me. I have instructed my husband to look after me and encourage me to get any help that I may need. He's so stable that I need to put this in his hands. I don't know where my mind will be, let alone the crazy hormones and sleep deprivation mania. So I'm trying to relax. And if I want cookies and ice cream, I eat it. If I want uncle bens wild rice for dinner and nothing else, I eat it. If I don't want a veggies for days, I just don't have them. My stomach is so sensitive now that I'd rather give myself anything than throw up or have a stomach ache.

I have often thought about what kind of mama I will be one day. Will I be the hippie mama who makes her own organic baby food and teaches my 2 year old to recycle? Will I be the overprotective mama who keeps her sheltered and clean and doesn't let her go anywhere? Will I be the frazzled mama who doesn't sleep and can't survive without a heavy dose of prozac? I've tried to prepare myself throughout this pregnancy as to how I will raise my little girl.  But over the past several months I've let go of all my controlling hopes and dreams for her and decided that the future will reveal itself when it is ready. I can't get my heart set on one style of parenting until I meet her. How would I ever know what will work for us until I get to know our mama/baby dynamic? It's a little frightening to not know what to expect but I understand now that I have no choice. I was killing myself reading the vaccine book until I realized that I will never be able to get access to different selections and brands of vaccines like the book suggests. In life, with Lauren, I will take whats given to me and I will monitor and watch her and make the best desicion I can with the information I have.  It's not worth it to drive myself crazy. She needs her mama in the best condition possible in order to raise her as healthy and happy as she can be. But if I mess up or make mistakes, I'm only human. I would never intentionally hurt my baby girl or my family.  I have about 6 more weeks to keep her safe inside my belly and then she's at the worlds mercy. Please be kind to her as well as everyone you meet.  After all, that's somebody's baby.