Quilt

I just finished my quilt and it was not easy.  I would have to say if i need to make another quilt I'm sure i could do it in half the time but it was my first so i had to keep redoing it and fixing it.  Anyway here it is:

Food and Paint and Fatherhood

I'd like a manual please to tell me how on earth to eat more food. It is one of the most difficult things I've had to endure on this planet. I'm never ever hungry except at 3am which carries over to 630am when I actually do get out of bed at which point I don't have time to eat because I am getting ready for work and I don't allow myself to get out of bed until it's absolutely necessary and I don't find eating to be any more important than sleeping at that moment in time. Priorities!!! So I don't actually put food in my mouth until about 845 and at that point it is usually half a starbucks cinnamon roll and a small hazelnut latte. I eat that between calls as I am a phone rep for an insurance company which is enough to make you lose your appetite altogether. Since I am sneaking bites in between calls it takes me about an hour to eat half a cinnamon roll and in that hours time I am suddenly fuller than I've ever felt before. So I know that was NOT enough food for a growing baby but how can I force feed myself? Forcing myself to eat will certainly end in vomit. I promise you. So I weigh the bad with the good. I figure that I can keep the calories I just ate or shove down more and then throw them all up, leaving me with no calories at all. I've never been a person who has felt the need to clear my plate or eat food simply because it tastes good or because it's sitting in front of me. I have always ate painfully slow and stopped when I was full and no amount of guilty food wasting thought could ever get me to finish my plate if my mind told me I was full. So people have suggested I eat snacks throughout the day. And while that makes sense I don't think people realize that I talk all day. Literally, my mouth is constantly moving. I have excruciatingly painful TMJ (jaw joint disorder) from all the talking. I am working and I can't eat and talk at the same time. So I try to sneak in fruits and granola here and there while the complainers are on mute but it's seriously difficult. It's especially difficult when I'm not hungry. I'm just not a snacker!! I don't eat when I don't feel hunger!! Uggghh!! Can't I just take a pill that adds calories or something?




But in all seriousness, I see my belly getting very big so it's impossible in my mind that I haven't gained any weight. I'm still wearing my pre pregnancy clothes. The only changes I've made is unbuttoning my pants and I bought a whole bunch of Gap Body essential basic bras in XL. The bras were meant for sleeping in when my boobs were so sore I couldn't even pretend to touch them but I ended up sort of living in them. They're nice because they aren't restricting like sports bras. They're really soft and free yet they have moderate support. I highly recommend them and I'm sure I'll continue wearing them for as long as Gap continues to make them. Thank you Gap.

Yesterday Tom and I bought some paint supplies and some new closet doors for Laurens room. We picked out a bright pink cute girly color paint. It melts my heart that Tom was searching all through the paint colors for that perfect pink for his daughter. We decided on Harmonious Rose which is featured above.  He's very into all the pink and I find that so sexily adorable. He's going to be the best Daddy ever made. Especially because last night he gave me this long speech about how he can't stand all the people who have babies and complain about not being able to sleep or go out or being stressed out. He says obviously this is going to be an extremely hard marathon. He says he feels the baby will pick up on your stress and it will cause her to be fussier and have sleep problems and cry more. I assume he isn't talking about the occasional whining mom.  Well at least i hope not because I'm sure i will be the first one to complain.  He is talking about the parents who act shocked that they didn't know it would be THIS MUCH WORK. I had to do a double take! Did my wonderful husband just say all those amazingly beautiful words of fatherhood to me? I couldn't help but have the best nights sleep of my life last night next to the most fantastic man in the world.

I love you babe.



Honestly,
Jen

winter blues/16 weeks to go

My winter blues/seasonal depression isn't that bad this year. I managed so far to keep up on laundry, dishes and cooking like I would during the spring/summer/fall months. And that's terribly unlike me. I feel the baby has somehow brought on an unconscious higher level of function to my life. Yet it could be totally conscience, I have no idea. It's not very typical that I am able to act normal during the long cold dark winter. It has always struck me as odd that other people continue on with meeting friends, going out *gasp* on a weekday in the cold darkness acting like it's perfectly acceptable to be happy. I can't remember ever enjoying any type of quality of life in winter time. It really hit me the worst for the first time the fall that I turned 17. Every year since then each year has gotten progressively worse. I'm not going to lie and say that I am feeling great but I don't feel hopeless like usual. It must be this little pound of cute in my belly. I guess it's my instinct to continue on and take care of her. I intend to take care of myself and be very watchful for post partum depression so I don't end up committed like my dooce.com hero Heather Armstrong. I think my next doctors appt will be discussing pediatricians and post care. Funny to be talking about this stuff when I still have yet to gain some weight.


Speaking of not weighing enough, yesterday i walked over to the pregnancy side of the office where it seems that anyone in that area is spontaneously pregnant within weeks or months or each other. We kind of passed it around like a sickness to each other over there.  That was before i moved to the other side of the office, of course.  So anyway i was immediately informed that i was absolutely certainly too small to be 24 weeks pregnant. They demanded that i was incorrect when i said i hadnt gained any weight, that i actually lost weight.  Like it was impossible to not have gained any weight at this stage in pregnancy.  I didnt realize there was such a stigma from the weight-gaining pregnant women against the non-weight-gaining pregnant women. I am not losing weight on purpose ladies! I don't own a scale so I'm excited and nervous to see if I gained weight. I don't want to deprive my girl of any nutrients she needs. It actually occurred to me today that I have 16 weeks left. Now, I've been counting down for quite some time but it dawned on me today that at the recommended pound per week I would only gain 16 pounds. Now I'm no expert but that doesn't seem like enough. So does this mean I will blow up at the end? Or am i not going to gain enough weight? I'm not sure what happens to you when you dont gain enough weight.  I'm pretty sure it causes malnutrition and preterm labor but let's hope that won't happen for my sake....well more for Lauren's sake.  Please.

Jen

24 weeks

Since no one answered my question on yesterdays blog I'm not sure this is working out. Hmmmm. Maybe there is no answer. Maybe there is just pity. Maybe I'm screwed. Whatever the reason I know people are reading this blog because I am getting constant feedback. I am actually shocked at the amount of people reading my blog. Thank you, readers. You are the best and I love your feedback and advice. But my favorite is when you tell me about how you feel/felt the exact same way. It give me great comfort.




Today my alarm went off as usual at 615 and as usual I hit snooze. Tom was still next to me in bed which is odd since he's usually gone by 6. Bed was so warm and inviting that when the alarm went off again 9 mins later I just simply turned it off. Lauren was bouncing around in my belly as per her usual morning routine. She's quite a morning person. And I've discovered she loves playing dead when her daddy tries to feel her famous dance moves. She saves it all for mommy and mommy only. So anyway I laid in bed till 830 when I was supposed to be at work at 845. I'm so incredibly not a morning person like I used to be. It's not that I'm grumpy or anything. It's just that I'm sooo tired that I can't understand the morning time concept. I want to sleep so badly that I ignore all urges to pee or eat or move. It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed each day that passes. I really enjoyed the extra time with my husband in bed. I had a lingering moment while laying with him when I realized we will no longer be 2 anymore when we welcome our lovely lady into our life. It was bittersweet because I felt more excited than sad. I felt like having an extra person here would be better for us instead of an intrusion. I don't feel like our twosome will die. We will be gaining a daughter! And how could that be bad? Here is a list of the things I can't wait to do with my daughter:



1. Snuggle

2. Dance

3. Go kitty shopping

4. Picnic

5. Play barbies

6. Eat cupcakes

7. Sing

8. Read

9. Skip to my lou

10. Hop scotch

11. Braid hair

12. Somersaults

13. Play with make up

14. Ride merry go rounds

15. Laugh

16. Tickle

17. Color

18. Jump rope

19. Kiss

20. Love

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

Work is stupid

I stayed home from work today for a few reasons:
Reason #1: nightmares about being raided with air bombs while trying to breastfeed Lauren outside in the garden
Reason #2: work is stupid
Reason #3: sticky gooey phlegm
Reason #4: my jaw needs a rest from all the talking and my ears need a rest from all the complaining

There's days I wake up and working just seems like the most inhumane ridiculous waste of time. I can't bring myself to even go there in my mind let alone actually physically get dressed and go. It seems so crazy to me that we work more than we are home. Aren't we working so that we can have a life outside of work? I don't feel like I have time for one. I was in bed last night at 930 and that was when I aimed to go to bed at 9 and just got caught up making lunch for tomorrow, ironing clothes and getting ready for bed. How am I going to make time for this baby? It seems utterly impossible. To be able to wake up earlier to take this child to daycare will make me have to go to bed sooner. So that makes me getting home at 630 and going to bed at 8. What kind of life is that?? Seriously. Someone please tell me how you manage work, sleep and have a life.

Daddy Stalker

I'm not sure I can put into words how much I melt when I see a daddy and his little child together. It is probably the most attractive I have ever found a man. I want to hop into his life and squeeze him until he bleeds. I love every single kissy, cuddly, bff bonding moment. I tend to start unconsciously stalking men with their children in grocery stores, malls, the park. I'm not sly about it either. I coo and ooohh and ahhhh as I follow them with a force so strong I can't take my eyes away. And I'm not talking about lame-o dads who walk ignorantly next to their wife as she pushes a stroller or carries the crying kid all by herself while trying to quiet the little monster. I'm talking about the ones who are out alone with their kid and they are cuddling and giggling and playing games and holding hands. The daddies that are totally focused on their lil munchkins like it's just the two of them in this whole wide world. These daddies are my obsession. I can't wait to see how Tom reacts to this baby. He was really scared at first even though we were both totally ready. It's just a big step. It's a lot to process and he's the baby in the family so he's never really been around kids, let alone babies. Then slowly I would ask him stuff about names and furniture and how we're going to raise her and he kinda shrugged me off. I think he didn't want to try to answer because he didn't know what type of answer to give. This is totally brand new to him. But then over time he has opened up to be really excited about cribs and paint and bpa free plastic. It's heaven! I just can't wait for the moment he holds our daughter. I can't imagine if seeing a daddy out at the mall makes my heart beat faster, seeing my husband hold our own child must be a hundredfold. It's the biggest moment I look forward to right now. I can't tell you how wonderfully sexy he will be in that moment. And to be honest, I think I'm underestimating just how powerful it will be.




Truly honest,

Jen

Lazy Sunday (AKA: easy like Sunday morning)

Yesterday was spent in my pjs researching online. I updated my Target registry and researched breast pumps which are quite expensive for the real deal. I looked at all the comments and consumer reports and found that a manual pump is basically for rare travel use, a battery powered pump is for occasional use and an electric pump is for everyday use. I chose the electric pump because it can get the job done in 10-15 mins as opposed to the 30mins-1hr that the manual and battery pumps can do. The electric pump mimics a baby suckling by starting off slow and then gradually increasing as if it were mimicing the suck/swallow gulps toward the end of the feeding. It also is better because you don't have to constantly buy or recharge batteries and it won't lose suction. It seems perfect for a pump 'n' go mom as she goes back to work. They are about $280 but it seems like an investment well worth it.




I also attempted to casually look online on tips to clean a used crib mattress and was absolutely floored with what I found. Apparently SIDS is thought to be caused by the flame retardent chemicals in a mattress interacting with mold which is obviously found in used mattresses. It supposedly turns to a toxic gas when the chemicals interact with the mold and the baby breathes it in and it acts as a nerve gas and the baby just stops living!!!! So I mentioned my concern to Tom over the used mattress we were given and he said I was over-reacting and we can't afford a new mattress for her and I have to stop reading things online that scare me. But I don't think he understands this is life or death. I refuse to put my child on that old mattress. I am getting her a new mattress with my own money and then buying a plastic zippered cover to keep the chemicals away from her body and then I will put a well washed, well vacuumed mattress pad over top of the plastic and I will wash her crib sheets at least 3 times before putting them on the bed. I had read once about how flame retardant things are supposed to save your childs life and yet they are horribly toxic. Babies lick everything. Why would they put chemicals on everything??? Uggghh!!! Although later on, Tom and I did have a good laugh picturing an unharmed happy baby sitting on a flame-free mattress surrounded by a ring of fire as sparks fly onto the mattress and sizzle out. It's probably the most ridiculous waste of chemicals and laws I've ever heard. If my childs room catches on fire, I'm sure she'll die of smoke inhalation long before the fire even makes it over to her bed. But I guess we could pull the mattress out of the ash and use it for our next kid. Haha!

Ok its not really funny.

Honestly,
Jen