Dreaming

There are many dreams and aspirations I have for my daughter. I know even with endless hopes and wishes, she will still be her own person in the end. But I can't help but think of the girl she will soon be. It's actually pretty exciting to wonder who she'll end up becoming. I want to teach Lauren she will always be good enough no matter what. That all the beauty and brains in the whole world won't make you a good person. You have to be genuine and honest and make it your mission to leave the earth better than it was when you entered it. You won't be liked by everyone and you certainly won't like everyone. But I want her to be strong and think for herself. I want her to stand her ground and stick up for herself. But I also want to teach her the importance of being the bigger person and backing down sometimes when it's the right thing to do. I want her to apologize when she is wrong but not to ever apologize for the person she is. And the biggest one of all, despite both Tom and I being atheist, I do want her to make an informed decision about spirituality whether it be her faith in organized religion or not. I want her to have the free will to follow whatever direction her heart takes her. I do, however, want her to know that even if I'm not happy with some of her choices I will still love her with every breath I take. Her happiness will always be a priority to me as long as she understands that happiness isn't about getting what you want. It's about liking who you are.




Yesterday was mother's day. We did no celebrating at the Pushic household. I was informed by Tom that this year didn't count. It sounds harsh but I completely understand. As unsuperstitious as Tom is, he will sometimes hold on to a jinx theory very strongly. He felt as though even saying "happy mother's day" to me would be jinxing our chances of having a healthy child next month. If I celebrated being a mother before I actually became a mother then I would be getting ahead of myself. I see what he sees, I do, but I feel that I am a mom already. I felt I was a mom even with my first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. I know it's all technical and I have not actually mothered any children. But they are still my children and I still love them just the same.



So instead of any formal mother's day celebrating, I decided to celebrate by putting my hospital bag, diaper bag and car seat in the car yesterday. I'm not due for another 5 weeks but I figured it's either sitting in my house or my car...might as well sit in the car. Bring it on labor...I'm ready! (kinda)

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

Happy Mother's Day

For mothers day I wanted to do a little bit of reflection at the road I have taken to become a mother. My husband and I decided we would try for a baby in August 2008, which was exactly a year after we got married. I wanted to go to the doctor first to get checked out because I thought that's what you were supposed to do. Turns out no one actually does that and I was treated like a total weirdo (thanks). So in september 2008 our baby making journey began. Because of that, when I say pregnancy feels like eternity, it might be because for me, this has started 19 months ago. And of course I was taking pregnancy tests every month so I knew right away that I was pregnant. I know so many women who didn't know they were pregnant until 3 or more months into it. They weren't planning it so they weren't expecting it. Therefore they were already as far as the 2nd trimester when they started prenatal treatment so time flew by for them. That truly blows my mind! I knew I was pregnant 4 days before a test told me so and I had been on prenatal vitamins already for a year before finding out.




In the time that I have been pregnant I've discovered a lot about myself and my husband. I found that we both wanted kids much more than we thought we did. I learned just how deep my love can go for an unborn fetus that I have never laid eyes on. I realized how strongly my husband loves me and how he would jump in front of an angry heard of elephants to protect his wife and daughter. The two of us often spend large amounts of time discussing how much we've been through. We've grown incredibly close over our ten year relationship. This man is my best friend. He knows me better than anyone on this earth. And he respects me as his equal in life. I couldn't have picked a better man to raise my children with. Even though I am growing the baby inside me, he still has the wonderful ability to connect to her. I find him sometimes in her bedroom admiring all the work we've done to get ready for her. He has taken so much time for her to make sure everything is perfect. I can't imagine a better Dad for my little girl. And I've never been so in love with him as I have been during this time of my life. So on my first mother's day as a mom-to-be, I want to thank my amazing husband for all his support and love he provided so far throughout my pregnancy. After all, without him, I would not be a mom.

I love you, Tom.

Honestly Pregnant,

Jen

6 more weeks inside

At 8 months (really 9 months, stupid america) I was so incredibly certain that strangers would rub my belly in public places and it has yet to happen. I may be jinxing myself, which I completely believe is possible. If so, I'll just rub their bellies back. If you can bring positive energy into your life, why can't you bring negative energy into your life. That's the concept behind "The Secret" right? I wouldn't know. I didn't have the patience to read it. Did rent the DVD though but it was scratched so I popped it back in the netflix envelope and sent it back without reordering it. Oh well. So I'm pretty sure you can bring an unimaginable amount of negativity into your life if so desired...or maybe even subconsciously. I'd have to say I am an expert at bringing bad vibes into my life. Not bad people. Just bad vibes. I always assume the worst. I'm trying to change my attitude but I know it's not really an attitude adjustment quick fix. It's the way I have lived my whole life so I don't know any different.


Tom said to me last night, "Do you think Lauren will bring you a sense of peace and calm finally? Like everything will finally fit?" I sat there and thought for a minute and then said I didn't know because, really,  I can't see the future. I hope so. I know all I've wanted for years and years is a child so you'd think after I get that, I'm all set right? Well I don't really think it's that simple. I might even be worse off than I was pre-baby. I think there's no way to know how you'll react to something until it happens. Like when my sister was hit by a car in high school, I was so sure if I was put in a traumatic situation that I would be the first to jump into action. But I just stood there frozen. I couldn't speak. I couldn't even move. I just stared at her in the street. I never even snapped out of it to walk up to her until the ambulance came and put her on a stretcher. So with this baby I am not setting myself up for any disappointment. I'm assuming that I will either be the happiest mama in the whole wide world or sink into deep post-partum depression. That's the range I am giving myself. And I've decided it's ok whichever one happens because it's beyond my control. I'm not going to let the fear of being a bad mom cripple me. I have instructed my husband to look after me and encourage me to get any help that I may need. He's so stable that I need to put this in his hands. I don't know where my mind will be, let alone the crazy hormones and sleep deprivation mania. So I'm trying to relax. And if I want cookies and ice cream, I eat it. If I want uncle bens wild rice for dinner and nothing else, I eat it. If I don't want a veggies for days, I just don't have them. My stomach is so sensitive now that I'd rather give myself anything than throw up or have a stomach ache.

I have often thought about what kind of mama I will be one day. Will I be the hippie mama who makes her own organic baby food and teaches my 2 year old to recycle? Will I be the overprotective mama who keeps her sheltered and clean and doesn't let her go anywhere? Will I be the frazzled mama who doesn't sleep and can't survive without a heavy dose of prozac? I've tried to prepare myself throughout this pregnancy as to how I will raise my little girl.  But over the past several months I've let go of all my controlling hopes and dreams for her and decided that the future will reveal itself when it is ready. I can't get my heart set on one style of parenting until I meet her. How would I ever know what will work for us until I get to know our mama/baby dynamic? It's a little frightening to not know what to expect but I understand now that I have no choice. I was killing myself reading the vaccine book until I realized that I will never be able to get access to different selections and brands of vaccines like the book suggests. In life, with Lauren, I will take whats given to me and I will monitor and watch her and make the best desicion I can with the information I have.  It's not worth it to drive myself crazy. She needs her mama in the best condition possible in order to raise her as healthy and happy as she can be. But if I mess up or make mistakes, I'm only human. I would never intentionally hurt my baby girl or my family.  I have about 6 more weeks to keep her safe inside my belly and then she's at the worlds mercy. Please be kind to her as well as everyone you meet.  After all, that's somebody's baby.   

Accomplished

This weekend was one of the most tiring weekends of my life. Tom and I went shopping for baby stuff on saturday for about 5 hours straight. My feet were hurting so bad by the end that I was positive they would shrivel up and fall off. On top of returning a couple of things, we got a crib mattress, changing table pad, curtains, wall hooks, a crib dust ruffle, another diaper bag and some other odds and ends we needed and forgot about until they were in front of our face at the store. Then after getting home at an exhaust level of 9 out of 10, I proceeded to wash everything cloth the room. I think I did 15 loads of laundry this weekend. Then I put everything away and organized her room, including sorting all her clothes by size and packing her diaper bag for the hospital. It was quite a long day but I'm glad I got it all done.


Sunday I pretty much didn't move at all except to eat and pee and go to the store to buy nacho cheese sauce. At the end of the evening I got a call from my sister telling me that my cousins husband had overdosed and died earlier that day. He had just gotten out of 6 months in rehab about a month ago. He was only 28 with 3 little kids. My heart aches for her and those sweet little boys of hers. I look at Tom and can't imagine going on without him alone, let alone with our children as a single mom. I'm not sure how anyone can get through losing their husband.  It was hard for me to fall asleep last night while thinking about it. What if he just stopped being here on this earth with me? But I have to put that out of my mind to provide my child with positive energy to maintain her health.


I'm in my 33rd week now. My heartburn has turned into partial vomiting. I'm not sure if that is considered acid reflux. I'll ask on wednesday at my next appointment. It's very painful and makes me choke and cough. Hopefully all the heartburn and liquid acid burping will go away immediately after birth. I'm not really down with this lingering any longer than that. I also won't miss the constant hiccuping, especially when she is pressing really low on my cervix. It isn't cute, it's annoying.

Honestly, Jen

Creating human life is expensive

Today it dawned on me that I had been recklessly buying baby clothes with no concept of when she would actually wear these clothes according to mother nature. So now as I ponder the inside of her closet, I can visualize all the summer dresses in size 6 months when it will be DECEMBER! How could I not have thought about the seasonal aspect of her wardrobe? What is the matter with me? I give myself permission to own 0-3 month summer clothes but not 3-6 month sizes. Good thing I kept the tags and receipts. But it will be a little heartbreaking for her to not get to wear some of the more adorable pink things I bought her.

As I think about all the different sizes my sweetheart will be, I'm also realizing that all of my thoughts of Lauren alive and in my arms are of her as a 2-3 year old. I don't really know what to do with a baby. Of course I can picture her as a tiny newborn screaming her head off and terrorizing my nipples. But the moments that make me smile are when I see my future daughter walking and talking and laughing. I especially love the thought of Tom walking hand in hand with her which will most defiantly cause me to die of happiness. I haven't had much faith that a tiny newborn would bring me that much happiness. I mean she just lays there and screams and poops right? I would love to say it sounds boring but instead it sounds extra stressful. Boring would be a blessing. Although, in the end, I know when I see her, all I will want to do is devote my life to her in any way possible. I guess it'll all make sense when she arrives.

Wednesday my missing crib hardware arrived in the mail. Tom was off as usual so he sprung into action and put the crib together. It looks amazing doesn't it? It was originally a very very dark wood which was perfect for a baby boy. I almost didn't accept the crib because of it's color. But my vision of Lauren's room has always included white furniture with pink everywhere possible. The crib was given to us by people that had boys so I understand why they chose it but that color just didn't work for me. I had tom paint it white and it looks amazing.  Now it fits into her petite white and pink themed room. The only problem is that it doesn't have the drop down sides so it's hard for me to reach into.  Tom thinks it's because my belly is in the way and the mattress isn't in it yet but I still believe it's hard to reach into.  The top of the railing comes to my chest because I'm such a shorty. I guess we'll just have to wait until we get the mattress and see. 



There's still some necessary items I need to get to complete the room:

Crib Mattress
Rocking chair cushion
Changing pad
Curtains
Cupcake wall art
Hamper/ laundry basket
Garbage pail
Diapers


I need to start focusing on getting these items as soon as possible because if she dares to come early, I am not ready. I will start my shopping this weekend. Wow, creating human life is expensive!

Baby Shower

This weekend was my baby shower. My sister in-law, Kim had it at her house. There was so much good food including homemade red velvet cupcakes from scratch with Tom's grandma's recipe. I got some really great gifts from everyone I'm so thankful for all of you who attended. I don't have lots of friends but I am very close with my siblings and I'm lucky that Tom's family has been kind enough to take me in as one of their own. My sister, Karen who has also just announced she is pregnant surprised me with a stroller/car seat system. Wow! What a fantastic gift. She also brought me some great clothes from one of her work friends (thanks Jamie!!) who had a daughter that never got to wear some of the newborn clothes. I think she was one of those big babies that surpassed newborn sizes right away. Now let's hope that doesn't happen to me. I actually didn't know "newborn" was a different size than "0-3 months" so now I have an entire wardrobe of size newborn and I don't know if Lauren will ever wear them. I'm hoping to have a small baby but it's up to nature at this point. I just can't imagine how I'm going to squeeze a watermelon out of my body.




Today Lauren pressed her foot up against my belly in her normal fashion. Except this time she pressed really hard and I could tell it was a foot. So I pressed back against her foot. She pulled away and then put it back and we repeated this a few more times before she was just so totally over it. But Mama loved it! As much as I adore this little rambunctious little sweetie inside me, she is causing me to lose a ton of sleep. I slept a few hours this weekend but got no sleep at all sunday night. I was in such bad shape in the morning, I had to call off work to stay home and try to sleep. I'm so upset about the amount of paid days off I have left for work. I have used so many for doctors appointments and sick days and winter storm extravaganza 2010. It's only april and I won't be able to take a vacation or use any days for myself. All I do is work work work. And then it gets to be too much and I call off. Then we repeat the cycle again and again. Maybe next year (I say that every year.... and every year I don't take a vacation). And now with a kid, I'll probably never get to take one.

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

Mission: Pregnancy

Here i am 32 weeks pregnant. 7 weeks and 6 days till my due date. I had my last monthly check-up a few days ago. Now I go in for check-ups every 2 weeks. Maybe this will make it feel like it's going by faster. In the time that I have been pregnant, people have been born, turned into little old ladies and died of old age. This is the slowest time has ever possibly moved. And it's interesting because I feel really busy, which usually has the opposite affect. It's even more interesting that I am more eager than ever to speed time up because I'm not ready to have a baby. I keep putting off packing my suitcase. I stopped reading baby books. I still refuse to make a "birth plan", especially since my doctor hasn't mentioned anything about it. I stopped reading other mommy blogs. I just feel so over it. I'm so bored with being pregnant. I want my body back. I want my lungs back. I want my sinuses back. I want to drink a giant glass of vodka and coke, the caffinated kind, with extra vodka and extra caffeine. I want pants with zippers and buttons instead of elastic. But most of all, I want all the rib kicking to stop. I'm just so over the invasion of my body. And it's so depressing that she has to come out of my vagina.

Speaking of vagina, I asked my doctor about pain medicine and she said she has a standing epidural order for all her patients. If I ask for it, I can have it. It doesn't matter how far I'm dilated or if she's even there to order it. She said "if you're admitted for labor, you're committed to this so why be in pain?". Man, I like her. She's a girl with my kinda low tolerance for pain! It helps that she just had a baby herself 6 months ago. She's got it fresh in her mind from the mama viewpoint.

 

At work today I got in the elevator and in strolls a stroller with the most adorable baby in the world... but enough about the baby... The girl pushing the stroller is with a couple other women, possibly her mom and aunt? She must've been bringing her baby in to show off to her co-workers the creature she created with her lady parts. Her mom took one look at me and said "this will be you pretty soon" and I smiled and said "yup". But the baby's mama turned to me and said "do everything you possibly can do before this happens. Your life changes forever" so of course I say "well there's not many things that I really can do at 8 months pregnant". Cuz I mean, seriously, what things is she talking about? The only things I miss are mentioned above (refresher: breathing without pressure on my lungs and sinuses, a kick free rib zone, vodka and caffeine). So then she says "going to the gym is my absolute luxury, if I get to go at all". But in my mind I'm thinking, is she telling me to literally abort Mission: Pregnancy? Because I'm kind of committed at this point. There's no turning back now. And the last thing in the entire world I want to do right now is go to the gym, well you know other than like, swim with sharks or eat poison. So I ask again, internet society, why do women love to bring you down about your pregnancy? Do they want to warn you? Does she think I am expecting to squeeze out an adorable fluffy pink bunny who can take care of her fluffy pink bunny self? Because I'm quite aware this is not a fairy tale ending. Especially with my story so far:

• Boy meets girl.  
• Boy and girl struggle through an agonizingly empty pocketed 7 year relationship moving from job to job, apartment to apartment.
• Both boy and girl lose jobs and move back in with boys parents
• Girl files bankruptcy.
• Boy and girl finally get married and take their very first vacation in 7 years as a honeymoon.
• Girl gets pregnant and miscarries baby.
• Girl gets pregnant again and here we are

So I'm not expecting an ounce of good fortune because that's just not the way this fairy tale works. I know this will be hard.  I know I will cry.  I know my life changes forever.

Honestly Pregnant (still),
Jen