I bow down to all the mommies

I've recently had some great advice given to me by many moms. It's been very comforting to blog about my pregnancy and find others who share the same fears and doubts that I do. It's a world I know nothing about and it's becoming scarier as my due date approaches. I love the comfort and respect and encouragement a lot of you have given me. It's very noble to be a mom and take care of another delicate human life. I bow down to you every day and am in awe at what you do for your adorable mini munchkins. But there's one piece of advice I continue to get that bothers me. It's not bad advice and perhaps it's me who can't grasp this advice correctly. "Don't worry, don't psych yourself up, don't over think every little thing". Well for one, you'd be lying if you didn't think of every possible scenerio involving your new life while you were pregnant. I think it's a bit ignorant to say that you went through your pregnancy carefree and didn't panic at times. The only difference is blogging and facebook have the power to make your secret fears public if you choose to speak about them. I'm sure most of you kept your constipation, vomiting, bed wetting, back aching, drooling, migraine, stretch mark woes to yourself. And that's fine with me although I admit I love to hear details about everyone, everything, all the time. I don't believe in TMI. I have no problem putting my feelings out there for people to see and comment on. I also understand people can be critical of your feelings and that's something you have to take in stride. Most of my personal statements have been put out there in the humor of Chelsea Handler, Rosie O'donnell or Jim Gaffigan. A funny take on an issue, multiplied by ten, when I really know in the end, none of it really matters. I am a very vocal person about everything that comes and goes in my life. It has enabled me with great human perception to see things from every angle. So when I say "eeeeek I will never be able to handle a screaming baby!" and people don't see that as humorous, I can't help you. While I am extremely serious that I WILL go into full panic mode with a new baby, I also know I can't stop it. I have the worst anxiety of anyone I know and since I'm pregnant I cannot be medicated. It's taken me years to understand that it's not my fault so it's pretty heartbreaking when people just tell you to stop panicking without understanding the full extend of what's happening inside my brain. I felt guilty for years for pushing people away and being so lonely and anti-social. It's taken a lot of time to get to the point where I understand my body is different and I cannot handle stress the way most can. A few deep breaths and a night out with the girls is not going to help me to de-stress. I have actually been known to have a mini melt down over a back massage and ended more tense afterwards. That's how deep rooted this is for me. I sometimes forget that normal people don't have the heart pounding, nauseas, head spinning, shallow breathing, insomnia crazed episodes like I do for something as simple as having a doctors appointment. I guess my mind just processes information differently. I think if something bad has a possibility to happen then my brain must focus on it and maybe even list all of the bad it can cause and how it can impact me and how will I deal with that impact? Rather than just saying oh I'll be fine and we'll worry about that IF and WHEN it happens. I kind of look at it as an opportunity to prepare myself for the worst. I can't tell you how many time I've grabbed a "just in case" item and had people say "wow, good thing Jen brought that thing. We'd be nowhere without it" and I always think you have my anxiety to thank. My anxiety says you're welcome. So maybe it's customary for you to tell people not to worry and that's understandable. But sometimes it's like smiling at the grumpy cashier at the grocery store who scowls at everyone. Sometimes all she needs is someone to say "I totally know how you feel. I feel that way too and yes, it's painful and hard. I know what you're going through. It sucks" because sometimes even though it's not your intention, that smile can make her feel like the only one in the world that isn't happy. And that's quite a lonely feeling.

I would also like to thank Laurel at Toys R Us for helping my husband find and order our missing crib hardware.




Honestly, Jen