My computer has been out of commission these past few days so I haven't been able to blog lately. It's making an incredibly loud noise when I turn it on so I've decided (EUREKA!) to just not turn it on and take it in to be looked at on wednesday. Unfortunately this has caused some computer withdrawal that I wasn't prepared for. It seems like when I have access to the computer I hardly ever use it and yet when I can't get to it, I need it more than ever. I desperately need to update my baby gift registry because it has only just now dawned on me that I have selected quite a few very necessary items that are available for target.com online purchase only. So I need to fix that and I don't live in Smalltown, NY anymore so it's not like I can just run up to the local Target and fix it. Driving there and back would be a 2 hour ordeal for a store that's literally less than 5 miles away due to rush hour traffic. So if I want to be home before bedtime, that's not really a quick after work possibility.
My next issue is I have a doctors appointment on wednesday and I was supposed to complete an hour long hospital maternity form online before my appointment. I am not a procrastinater at all so it's shocking that I didn't run home and complete it right away. The thing is, Tom and I are required to do it together and he's been working mega long hours doing overtime and we've been busy with other errands or projects every waking moment. And as my due date approaches, my "waking moments" are becoming smaller windows of time as I get more and more tired. So we haven't been able to get to it. I will have to tell my doc that my cat ate my homework.
I'm starting to get the "when are you due?" question a lot lately. It's a question I haven't really been asked because I haven't really looked very pregnant. I'm glad for that now that I've gone through it but it was incredibly irritating to have to explain to people that I am pregnant and get the "really? You don't look pregnant. You're so tiny" response. I'm sure the women who gained weight will be envious of me but the grass isn't always greener. It's hard to sit there and watch all the visibly pregnant women get all this special treatment while I am making a baby just as hard as they are and I get nothing.
I'm starting to feel lots of anxiety as June 18th is getting closer. I don't feel prepared. I haven't had my shower yet but I feel an uneasy feeling that I won't get what I need or that I forgot about certain things and I will find myself scrambling at the last minute for odds and ends. I know I can always send someone to get them but I am so OCD about it that it keeps me up at night. I have an intense need to be in control of my surroundings which is why I probably should have stayed in therapy. But I didn't feel like I had enough control of the therapy sessions. (Go figure). It's a very deep rooted problem for me and yes, I am aware a baby will tear my life apart if I have control issues. I have very specific odd control issues though. Not knowing what will come next in undetermined babyland isn't really a concern of mine. But handing her to a caretaker other than myself is a concern. One of my biggest control anxiety symptoms is that if I am not there something terrible will happen. This feeling only exists currently with my husband but I am positive it will carry over to Lauren. I did stick with therapy long enough for her to tell me that is a very deep emotional problem that comes from not feeling safe in childhood. I don't want to cause that kind of anxiety in my little kitten. But I would never let either one of us be the kind of human my father was. I promise baby girl.
Honestly
Jen
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