Last night I had a terrible breakdown. Lauren was screaming her head off and Tom was holding her trying to get her to calm down. My heart started racing and I ended up curled up on the couch in a big wet sloppy mess and bawled my eyes out. I knew if I held her I could calm her down but Tom wanted to do it himself and wouldn't let me take her. It was the most helpless I have ever felt in my whole life. I was dying inside listening to her scream. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. So eventually, Tom calmed her down but I was so shaken I could barely move or speak and it ended up taking me a while to stop crying. After i took a shower I finally was able to breathe normally again so I went straight to bed. Tom seemed a bit concerned by then and he handed her over to me. So I sat there with her on the bed, staring into her eyes and realized what just happened was probably a panic attack. Holding her in my arms after that was the most calm I think I had ever felt. She fell right asleep and then so did I.
I know now that leaving her to go back to work will be heartbreaking and I'm not sure how I can handle it sanely. This is most definitely not a trust issue. This is a separation anxiety issue. I know other people are perfectly capable of taking good care of her. But their hands are not my hands. I want to approve of and oversee everything that goes near her. It's impossible and I obviously know that but I have this fierce instinct to be present for every moment in her life even if it's just be be there in the room. This is very bad news and I'm not sure how to cope with all of this. I have heard of moms crying when they have to return to work but a freaking panic attack? Really? Just from not being able to comfort my child when she cries? Oh man, this is going to be the hardest journey. Much harder than I imagined. I'm not ready to let go or hand her over. I think I need her more than she needs me and that's terrifying.
I have all of today and tomorrow with her just the two of us. Then I have one last weekend with her and Tom as a family before I go to work on Monday. My in-laws will watch her on Monday and Friday and she will stay home with me on Tuesday and Thursday. Tom will have her on Wednesday. This next week is bringing the most anxiety since waiting for her birth. I just don't want to end up having another panic attack at work. Sadly, the likelihood seems high.
Honestly Mama,
Jen
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