It just doesn't get better than this.

I recently read a birth story on natural birth. And i got to thinking about my experience with giving birth to Lauren. It's already been three weeks since her big debut and i've already forgotten about the pain. If you asked me right now how bad those contractions were I would say "meh, no biggie". But when I look back at my birth story I talked about going through unbearable life changing pain. I've always heard people say you forget the pain and yes, I believed them but that didn't change the fact that you actually have to go through the pain in order to have the privilege of forgetting it. And that, my friends, was the scary part. I find it very interesting that humans don't remember pain. And I find it even more interesting that I would be willing to have ten more babies if it meant I get to scoop them up and smell their little baby heads the way that I get to do with Lauren. And might I say on a side note that I would set my body on fire for that kid. She is bigger than anything that has every happened to me. Her tiny squirmy cuddly body is my favorite thing in the world. There's no place I'd rather be than next to her. But would I have done a natural birth? Chances are thats never gonna happen. I would very much love to feel the high women feel when they give birth without hormone inhibiting drugs. I believe nature intended for us to feel this pain and to feel the instant hormonal bond with your child the moment they leave your body and enter the world. But is it worth the pain? I was in labor for twenty-two hours total. Of those twenty-two hours, I was in pain that I couldn't tolerate for maybe eight hours. That time zoomed by but only because I had an epidural. I highly recommend the epidural to all people who scream out in horror inducing pain when they stub their toes like I do.  I have had Tom come running into the room after just such an incident at least twelve times only to have him roll his eyes like "Seriously? I thought you just got stabbed in the eye with fourteen very sharp needles." And then I'm all "This is some serious pain here buddy. You have no idea what it's like to casually brush your toe up against a chair leg. I was almost bruised here, geez!" So yeah I guess you could say natural birth is not in the cards for me.  However, that doesn't mean I wasn't in the worst pain of my life that day. And uggghhh the recovery! Tom has turned to me many times since that day and told me how amazed he was with me for going through all that.  He is wowed at the strength I had to push for almost four hours until my body gave out and I didn't even have the energy to open my eyes or talk.  And then to go through a surgery after all that agony just to bring my beautiful daughter into the world all without food or water for almost two days. I actually amaze myself that I was able to endure that kind of painful experience. It makes me feel like I can do anything now.

Lauren is now twenty-three days old which means soon she won't be a newborn anymore. I'm not ready to give up the newborn title yet.  I don't want to say she's a month old.  I want to keep her ity bity forever. Her body is so tiny and fragile. Her eyes are so big and magical and I can't describe how in love with her I am. I've been breastfeeding her and hope to continue when I go back to work. I love the convenience of pulling her out of her crib next to my bed and popping her on my boob without ever having to get up and mess with bottles. This means that I am always the one who has to get up with her instead of Tom. Before I had her I assumed we would be taking turns getting up in the middle of the night to take care of her but once she finally came home with us I realized that her meal comes exclusively from me. Even if I had stored milk up so Tom could feed her, I would still have to get up and pump again so I don't wake up in puddles. Now that Tom is back to work, I don't even bother asking him to get up even to change her because I know he has to wake up at 5:30am and he can't take naps during the day like I can. I don't indulge in those naps but I like having the option. I've had the luxury of having a very good sleeper. She goes to bed with us around 9 or 10pm and gets up two or three times in the night to eat and poop but she goes right back to sleep when she's done.  We stay in bed usually until 8:30-9am so that's why I don't take naps.  I'm surviving on the sleep I get through the night.  Once I go back to work in three weeks, that will be a different story since I'll have to start getting up at 6am and yuck, I am totally dreading that. If everything goes as planned, I will be going back to work August 2nd and work part-time until December.  I want to work three days a week so I can be home more with the love of my life. I can't imagine how much of her life I am going to miss while I'm working.  It makes me teary and I just hate to think about it.  So, for now, I'm going to cherish these last few weeks with my favorite person in the world. I plan to do a lot of snuggling and kissing in that time so I will have some good memories to tide me over at work until I can come home and squeeze the crap out of that kid.  Man, I love her.  It just doesn't get better than this.