I was awake at 5am this morning just laying in bed listening to the birds chirp. Then at 6am I decided I wasn't going to fall back asleep. My nerves were eating me up too much to sleep any longer. It was hospital tour day. This shouldn't have made me nervous yet I was almost shaking. I put my hand on my belly and felt the little kicks inside and realized there is little time left where her and I get to share the same body. I want her out just as badly as I don't want to go through labor. Not knowing when she'll decide to come out is making it much harder than it needs to be. I treasure the way I get to keep her safe in my belly. But she's making me so uncomfortable and I'm left hanging in the balance just waiting and watching the clock. My feet and ankles are swollen. I'm sore all over. My carpal tunnel and tmj are aggravated from the swelling. And I've been crying for no reason all day.
I've been avoiding people because all they want to talk about is the baby. My anxiety level is at a 9 already but everyone around me seems to want to put me over the edge by talking about how much they are going to smother me and lauren once she's born. I know they all mean well. It's my issue for thinking that this is a private family time. It's just that I want time with her all to myself so I can get to know her before everyone else. Tom doesn't feel that way at all. He wants everyone to come and celebrate and smoke cigars and toast champagne so he can pass around his daughter and get a pat on the back. I guess this is just how men see childbirth. It's not wrong but it is the exact opposite of how I'm feeling. The hospital tour made me feel even more guarded. Especially because we were told visitors are allowed in the labor room and the postpartum rooms pretty much 24/7. It's probably my instinct to protect her. I wonder how many other moms felt this same way.
For now I'll be counting down the days till she finally arrives. I wish there was some way I could know when to expect it. I am scared to leave the house. When I do leave, I have everything with me for the hospital in the car and I try to keep tom with me at all times. I have been feeling pains very very low in my belly like a menstrual cramp. I feel them more often and I've also been noticing that my belly gets tight. My doctor tells me these "cramp" pains are not contractions. Maybe I'm not explaining them correctly to her. I don't know what else they could be. Maybe she's trying to head butt her way out. I wouldn't be surprised.
So.....we wait......
Still pregnant,
Jen
1 comment:
I had no trouble letting people near the boys when they came home. When I had Bella I didn't want anyone near her but my husband and myself. I was not ready to share her with anyone. I would find myself guarding her.
You have this little person to yourself for so long and then you are expected to share with everyone and anyone.
Maybe you can have it be you, Tom and Lauren in the delivery room until you move into your other room.
I hope that everything goes nice for you. And you have the labor and recovery you want/need. Good luck!!
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