Life as a Mom

Lauren is now 9 days old and she's starting to develop her own little personality. Sometimes she looks like me and sometimes she looks like Tom.  She has her daddy's nose and hair and she has her mommy's lips. She hates to be swaddled. She'll fight and fight until her arms are free so she can suck on her hands. I have to agree her hands are pretty tasty.   Adjusting to motherhood has been a challange.  I forgot what it feels like to actually sleep. When I do get the chance I am always on edge, ready to jump up and run through fire to save her at any moment.  The fierce instinct to protect her shocked me.  I knew I would feel it but I didn't realize I would be willing to claw people that I dearly love just to make sure she is ok. I don't like to share her.

On the opposite spectrum I have my moments where I want to return her. But unfortunately the return policy is a little tricky so I'm stuck with her marathon feeding rituals and dealing with the constant fear that she needs me.  It's hard to be responsible for a newborn.  She's a very easy kid (so far) but the weight of her life is in my hands and that's very nerve racking. I've had many moments where I've broken down because just can't manage to let my guard down. I have a constant edginess and tightness in my chest. I haven't been able to nap much either.  This kiddo likes to be awake 4-5 hours at a time so she can wiggle and stretch. If she could talk I'm sure she'd be complaining about something I'm not doing right.  I'm hoping the misery moments are hormonal so I'm going to try to take a deep breath and wait for my follow up doctor's appointment. Maybe they'll be gone by then and I won't have to worry about postpartum depression. I don't want to be the mama that resents her own child.  She's a precioius beautiful baby girl. When I look at her I just know that she's going to be the focus of the rest of my life.  I just need to stay healthy for her, which begins with trying to take a nap.  The whole "you sleep while the baby sleeps" is a whole bunch of crap.  I know the housework can wait but I need to eat and wash the bottles and breastpump supplies. I need to take a shower and wash her dirty clothes. There's a lot that needs to be done and now that Tom is back to work, this all lays on my shoulders.

But for now, we'll try for that nap.

Honestly mama,
Jen