Thursday, August 5, 2010

Funky Funk

So i'm in a bit of a funk. Ok, maybe more than just a bit. Honestly, I'm in one of the biggest funky funks ever.  Not with Lauren but with myself.  I know I am doing well as a mom because my little munchkin couldn't be happier. But anytime I have to be away from her, I panic. It's an issue with myself and I'm not exactly sure if this is related to the postpartum period or if this is a manifestation of my already existing anxiety.  It's like I can't exist separately from her.  In addition to starting on Zoloft, this was my first week back to work.  The night before my first day back I panicked all night long. I never fell asleep.  I just stayed in bed the whole time watching my beautiful Lauren sleep next to me in her pack and play.  It was an entire night of shaking and crying. I knew she would be ok with Tom's parents all day.  After all, they raised 3 children of their own successfully and they take care of my niece and nephew in California by themselves all the time.  So why the panic? I could say it was partially the Zoloft to blame as the side effects are insomnia, jittery feeling and nausea. But I am no stranger to these episodes of panic and I knew I just had to go with it and let it ride and just hope my heart didn't explode.  Usually these are symptoms I feel when Tom is away, specifically at night time.  And having him call or come home makes it go away immediately. But this was so different. I knew I had to go to work and leave her.  Calling off was not an option because I would just go through this again the next day I had to work. 

So off I went, in tears with bloodshot eyes and fatigue as big as can be. The whole way to work I stared at nothing on the T and fought off my desire to fall flat on my face, sobbing for my little girl.  I wanted so badly to get off and turn around and go back home.  Looking back, the whole day there was a complete blur but as it was happening, I assure you, it was the equivalent of spending six lifetimes gasping for air under a sea of the thickest fog imaginable.  Coping was next to impossible.  And yet, somehow I made it through the day by taking frequent breaks to text and call and spending time in the lactation room, pumping milk while watching videos of Lauren on my iPhone.

I never imagined it was going to be this hard. You would think I was the first mom to ever have to go through the trauma of being ripped away from her baby.  And after only one day away I decided I had to cancel our anniversary trip. I can't be away from Lauren overnight, let alone four days while she is still so tiny and dependant on my breastmilk.  Tom assured me I would want a break from her when he made the hotel reservation months ago. I didn't think much of it because I hadn't given birth yet so I didn't know how I was going to feel. It just seemed so far into the future but now that it's only two weeks away I can see I can't be away from her.  I feel so guilty as a wife to not give Tom the break he was looking forward to. But I have to put my health in front of that for now. I can't be having panic attacks while trying to enjoy a relaxing weekend to reconnect with my husband.  A sleepless, shaking, vomiting, paranoid state of mind is not really my idea of a reconnection with Tom. Add to that, I need to pump every three hours to keep my supply up, which includes setting an alarm and waking in the night, all while keeping track of how much she is eating so I can match it. I'm not really sure he gets it right now but, again I have to realize my health is important at this time in order to be there for Lauren. I just need some transitional time to get used to being away from her during the day before she spends an entire night away from me. Plus I really should be waiting until she is weaned from breastmilk. I told Tom he can take some time away from us if he needs it but I'm not sure he will take it or not.

I will continue to work three days a week and stay home with my darling girl on non-work days. This funkiness should be lifting soon as I continue to work through being a new mama and allow some time for my anxiety to diminish.

Staying Honest,

1 comment:

Alexis said...

Good for you for keeping up with the pumping! I'm sure it must be very hard. Lauren is lucky to have a dedicated mama! I haven't left Jack overnight, and like you don't think I could handle it. Hopefully this anxiety goes away soon!