Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Working mama

Ladies and gentlemen.....Welcome to life as a working mom.

This past week kicked my ass big time as you can see by my previous post. This week I wanted to go into it with a new perspective. I accepted the fact that I will never sleep well again. Not that I ever really slept well before but, oh what I would give for 3 or 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Lauren is still breastfeeding so she can't go as long between feedings as a formula fed baby. From what I hear, switching to formula could buy me those sleep hours I've so been longing for. But I don't want to give up the nutritional benefits of breastmilk just yet. Plus I don't want to lose that bond we have when we nurse. It's our moment and I love it more than I ever thought possible. She looks up at me and wraps her tiny arm around me as she scratches with her little nails. A nice scratch. An "I'm comforted" type of scratch. She no longer falls asleep eating but she does still hit that fullness point where she gets giddy and high. Her body goes limp and her eyes glaze over and she just lays back with the most satisfied partial smile on her little chubby baby face. It makes me feel so needed and I love it. So yeah the no sleep thing.... Well, i don't really have a choice in this. If I want to keep breastfeeding I have to accept the fact that a full block of 2 hours sleep is as good as it going to get for now. It's tough to handle especially because once I'm up and spent all that time feeding, changing and putting her back to sleep, I can't fall back asleep so easily. I'm completely over the fact that I'm covered in regurgitated breastmilk and poop. I just can't shut my mind off.

The days where I get to stay home with Lauren are what I look forward to the most. Her personality is really starting to develop into this sweet gentle happy baby always dressed In pink. My early mornings are filled with the sound of her giggling to herself in her crib. Her feet kicking wildly. Her arms thrashing around. Those are the magical breathy little sounds I have waited so long to hear. I find myself just standing by her bedroom door peeking in to soak in the little rambunctious nugget as she let's all her energy out laugh by laugh until she finally laughs herself to sleep.....and.... It takes all of about 5 minutes.

Those are the things I will miss while I'm away at work. The little bits and pieces of her life spent away from me. At least she's young enough now that she doesn't cry when I leave her. That will tear my heart in two.

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