Number 2

Here I go doing this all over again. Pregnancy.  Cue the dun dun dun music.

 I vowed to keep up with the blogging throughout Lauren's first year and with all crap that entails raising a newborn to infant to toddler...well you try it.  So this time we're going to have our hands full... literally full, with children. This will be two babies under the age of 2.  Thats two carseats, two sets of mouths to feed, two strollers, two cribs, two crying, whining, pooping, screaming, demanding little darlings all the live long day. That also means two college funds, and two kids telling me what they want and need and must have right now- right now- right now- to keep up with the Joneses.  Oh those Joneses are going to get an earfull from this mama as soon as i have to play the 2016 version of who can buy the most Big Time Rush memoribilia. If your last name is Jones, steer clear of me till this blows over please. Its for your own saftey.

Raising one kid is hard enough so this is going to be quite a sleepless challenging next 19 years of my life. I love being a mother. It brings me the most joy I could have ever wanted out of life. That little girl smiles and my heart skips a beat. So after I take my heart meds and she goes down for a nap, I have the most wonderful memories being that I can block out all the annoying whining this kid tends to do.  Now she doesnt always whine but it's getting more and more frequent with her stubborn refusal to speak.  She's 13 months and I havent heard one actual meaningful word from this child.  Its all "ahhhhhhhhhhhh's". Although her "ahh's" are endearing and lovely, it's getting a bit old and I am quietly counting down the days, minutes, seconds till this kid can say "snack" and i will breathe a sigh of relief and give her an entire truckload of snacks to show her how pleased I am that she didn't ask for some "ahhhhh" again.  It's very hard to cook a healthy and delicious meal of sauteed "ahhh" with a side of "ahhh" when you are puking all the time from this bundle of fun in your belly. My record number of pukes in one day with Lauren was seven.  This new kiddo has made it to five. I'm sure everyone will tell me this means it will be a boy since I am less sick. But really, I've been taking much more zofran this time because it's very difficult to hold it in while reading Goodnight Moon six times in a row so I am all about the prevention.

"Before you know it....."

Spring is coming. The spring memories are always the strongest memories for me. Every morning when I walk outside in the spring I remember a happy childhood of bundling up as tight as possible in my ugly puffy winter coat and gloves. The amount of cold I felt in the spring morning was uncountable. But the best thing happened in spring time. As the clock ticked along.....it warmed up!! We would go out for recess and it would be a little chilly but if you ran around enough you could break a sweat and warm up enough to not even notice. Then at the end of the day, the most wonderful thing of all would happen. We would leave school and the sun would be beating down on us and we would overheat within about 10 steps. We'd take our coat off and shove it in our backpacks and the warmth would make us smile and laugh and then we'd all remember how fantastic it is to be alive in a world where you can go outside comfortably. It was a strange amazing feeling that always sticks with me each season. It was when life seemed worth living rather than hiding out under layers of thick clothing and blankets. I hate the cold with every muscle in my body. I can't wait for spring this year more than ever because it means I am one season closer to giving birth to my very first child! It's the most wonderful, most important thing that could ever possibly happen.



Near the end of last week, I didn't feel much movement in the baby factory. Just last week I was sure she was building an exercise studio and then she just kinda stopped moving. I felt like she took 5 milestone steps back to the weeks where I would gasp and say "Oh my god was that a kick??" in reaction to the tiny little bumps I felt inside. As an almost mommy, I am constantly worried about her. There is never a moment where I let my guard down. She is all I think about. I need her to be ok at all times or it sends me into a panic fury. People tell me to relax but that advice gets me nowhere. I feel like saying "do you not understand that her heart can just stop beating?.....and what if it does and I wasn't prepared?....what if this little life is taken away from me?....do you not understand the pain I have to guard myself from?...you obviously don't get it if you tell me to relax...obviously". She's the most precious thing I have ever taken part in.


She actually did start moving more after a few days. For the past 2 days I have felt her quite a bit. But I think for now, she's clearly given up her exercise studio plans. I have 15 days till I can hear her heart again.

It seems the phrase I've heard most throughout the past 6 months is, "before you know it....". Feel free to fill in the dot dot dot with anything pregnancy or baby related and you'll understand. It can refer to weight gain, birth, Laurens 16th birthday..... whatever. Everyone seems to think pregnancy happens in the blink of an eye and "before you know it the baby is here!!" But those people couldn't be more dead wrong. I feel like I have been pregnant for AT LEAST 2 years. Each day is painstakingly slower than the next. Each pound takes forever and ever to gain. I feel as though I've been locked up in my house incubating this little child and missing out on so much life. At first I thought the world had clearly stopped and time was obviously standing still. I was thinking, was it the fact that this journey to get pregnant was so long? I know other people had a longer journey than we did but that doesn't undermine the length of my journey at all. It was still long and very painful. And I also wonder if people didn't know they were pregnant for awhile. I've known since week 2 that I was pregnant. So maybe that's why it feels longer, I'm not sure but it's definitely the longest wait of my life. I actually blocked out the entire next month in my mind. I forgot we have to go through both april and may!!!! I was thinking I would have this baby much sooner. I have 100 days left. Did you hear me?.... ONE HUNDRED!!!! That is a lifetime away. Uuuggghhhh. Seriously?



In 15 days my lovely husband will be painting the baby's room the pinkest pink we could find. This will be the first step toward setting up the room. Right now it still has our computer, tv and futon in it with no sign of a baby anywhere.

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

Dance, Dance Revolution

I was innocently trying to fall asleep last night when Lauren decided it was time to play Dance, Dance Revolution in my belly. I'm pretty sure she was competing for a very prestigious competition or maybe just her own personal record but she sure deserved first place with all that fancy foot work. It was quite an effort. She left me exhausted just experiencing her performing all that rhythmic stepping.

After the show was over and I was finally able to fall asleep, I swear, my alarm went off immediately. I hate that damn alarm with all my blood, sweat and tears. It ruins my morning every time. I don't think I can ever have a functional relationship with my alarm. I hate her and she hates me. Yes, her. She's spiteful and manipulative and sneaks up on me. She thinks all of this is quite hilarious of course. Damn you alarm bitch!

Tomorrow is my next doctors appt. It's the one I'm dreading. The famous glucose test prescription will be written and I will cry. I've already done one glucose test because my sugar was high last year at my routine physical when I was with pregnancy #1 so they made me do it early with pregnancy #2. I was a good witch and I fasted like I was told to. I was absolutely dying of hunger that day. I couldn't sleep the night before. I was so sick that morning and they made me chug this high fructose artificially flavored lemon-lime flat gross puke of a drink in 10 mins. Then I went and saw my miracle baby for the first time in her first ultrasound. It was so beautiful, like crazy beautiful. Then I returned an hour later for my blood draw. She took at least 6 vials of blood and I cried. Then as I put my sweatshirt back on I mentioned how I was off to eat as much as I could because I was slowly dying from fasting. The nurse looks at me and says with a dead stare "you know this wasn't a fasting test, right?". She's a bitch just like my alarm clock.

So I don't have a happy relationship with this glucose test and now you know why. And since I just bought 4 packages of easter candy to eat and cherish all by myself I better not have high sugar because I won't be able to eat it. But at least this time I'm not going through morning sickness because throwing up lemon-lime syrup in the burger king parking lot after that test was not exactly a warm fuzzy memorable moment.

Mama Jen

winter blues/16 weeks to go

My winter blues/seasonal depression isn't that bad this year. I managed so far to keep up on laundry, dishes and cooking like I would during the spring/summer/fall months. And that's terribly unlike me. I feel the baby has somehow brought on an unconscious higher level of function to my life. Yet it could be totally conscience, I have no idea. It's not very typical that I am able to act normal during the long cold dark winter. It has always struck me as odd that other people continue on with meeting friends, going out *gasp* on a weekday in the cold darkness acting like it's perfectly acceptable to be happy. I can't remember ever enjoying any type of quality of life in winter time. It really hit me the worst for the first time the fall that I turned 17. Every year since then each year has gotten progressively worse. I'm not going to lie and say that I am feeling great but I don't feel hopeless like usual. It must be this little pound of cute in my belly. I guess it's my instinct to continue on and take care of her. I intend to take care of myself and be very watchful for post partum depression so I don't end up committed like my dooce.com hero Heather Armstrong. I think my next doctors appt will be discussing pediatricians and post care. Funny to be talking about this stuff when I still have yet to gain some weight.


Speaking of not weighing enough, yesterday i walked over to the pregnancy side of the office where it seems that anyone in that area is spontaneously pregnant within weeks or months or each other. We kind of passed it around like a sickness to each other over there.  That was before i moved to the other side of the office, of course.  So anyway i was immediately informed that i was absolutely certainly too small to be 24 weeks pregnant. They demanded that i was incorrect when i said i hadnt gained any weight, that i actually lost weight.  Like it was impossible to not have gained any weight at this stage in pregnancy.  I didnt realize there was such a stigma from the weight-gaining pregnant women against the non-weight-gaining pregnant women. I am not losing weight on purpose ladies! I don't own a scale so I'm excited and nervous to see if I gained weight. I don't want to deprive my girl of any nutrients she needs. It actually occurred to me today that I have 16 weeks left. Now, I've been counting down for quite some time but it dawned on me today that at the recommended pound per week I would only gain 16 pounds. Now I'm no expert but that doesn't seem like enough. So does this mean I will blow up at the end? Or am i not going to gain enough weight? I'm not sure what happens to you when you dont gain enough weight.  I'm pretty sure it causes malnutrition and preterm labor but let's hope that won't happen for my sake....well more for Lauren's sake.  Please.

Jen

24 weeks

Since no one answered my question on yesterdays blog I'm not sure this is working out. Hmmmm. Maybe there is no answer. Maybe there is just pity. Maybe I'm screwed. Whatever the reason I know people are reading this blog because I am getting constant feedback. I am actually shocked at the amount of people reading my blog. Thank you, readers. You are the best and I love your feedback and advice. But my favorite is when you tell me about how you feel/felt the exact same way. It give me great comfort.




Today my alarm went off as usual at 615 and as usual I hit snooze. Tom was still next to me in bed which is odd since he's usually gone by 6. Bed was so warm and inviting that when the alarm went off again 9 mins later I just simply turned it off. Lauren was bouncing around in my belly as per her usual morning routine. She's quite a morning person. And I've discovered she loves playing dead when her daddy tries to feel her famous dance moves. She saves it all for mommy and mommy only. So anyway I laid in bed till 830 when I was supposed to be at work at 845. I'm so incredibly not a morning person like I used to be. It's not that I'm grumpy or anything. It's just that I'm sooo tired that I can't understand the morning time concept. I want to sleep so badly that I ignore all urges to pee or eat or move. It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed each day that passes. I really enjoyed the extra time with my husband in bed. I had a lingering moment while laying with him when I realized we will no longer be 2 anymore when we welcome our lovely lady into our life. It was bittersweet because I felt more excited than sad. I felt like having an extra person here would be better for us instead of an intrusion. I don't feel like our twosome will die. We will be gaining a daughter! And how could that be bad? Here is a list of the things I can't wait to do with my daughter:



1. Snuggle

2. Dance

3. Go kitty shopping

4. Picnic

5. Play barbies

6. Eat cupcakes

7. Sing

8. Read

9. Skip to my lou

10. Hop scotch

11. Braid hair

12. Somersaults

13. Play with make up

14. Ride merry go rounds

15. Laugh

16. Tickle

17. Color

18. Jump rope

19. Kiss

20. Love

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen

Daddy Stalker

I'm not sure I can put into words how much I melt when I see a daddy and his little child together. It is probably the most attractive I have ever found a man. I want to hop into his life and squeeze him until he bleeds. I love every single kissy, cuddly, bff bonding moment. I tend to start unconsciously stalking men with their children in grocery stores, malls, the park. I'm not sly about it either. I coo and ooohh and ahhhh as I follow them with a force so strong I can't take my eyes away. And I'm not talking about lame-o dads who walk ignorantly next to their wife as she pushes a stroller or carries the crying kid all by herself while trying to quiet the little monster. I'm talking about the ones who are out alone with their kid and they are cuddling and giggling and playing games and holding hands. The daddies that are totally focused on their lil munchkins like it's just the two of them in this whole wide world. These daddies are my obsession. I can't wait to see how Tom reacts to this baby. He was really scared at first even though we were both totally ready. It's just a big step. It's a lot to process and he's the baby in the family so he's never really been around kids, let alone babies. Then slowly I would ask him stuff about names and furniture and how we're going to raise her and he kinda shrugged me off. I think he didn't want to try to answer because he didn't know what type of answer to give. This is totally brand new to him. But then over time he has opened up to be really excited about cribs and paint and bpa free plastic. It's heaven! I just can't wait for the moment he holds our daughter. I can't imagine if seeing a daddy out at the mall makes my heart beat faster, seeing my husband hold our own child must be a hundredfold. It's the biggest moment I look forward to right now. I can't tell you how wonderfully sexy he will be in that moment. And to be honest, I think I'm underestimating just how powerful it will be.




Truly honest,

Jen

Lazy Sunday (AKA: easy like Sunday morning)

Yesterday was spent in my pjs researching online. I updated my Target registry and researched breast pumps which are quite expensive for the real deal. I looked at all the comments and consumer reports and found that a manual pump is basically for rare travel use, a battery powered pump is for occasional use and an electric pump is for everyday use. I chose the electric pump because it can get the job done in 10-15 mins as opposed to the 30mins-1hr that the manual and battery pumps can do. The electric pump mimics a baby suckling by starting off slow and then gradually increasing as if it were mimicing the suck/swallow gulps toward the end of the feeding. It also is better because you don't have to constantly buy or recharge batteries and it won't lose suction. It seems perfect for a pump 'n' go mom as she goes back to work. They are about $280 but it seems like an investment well worth it.




I also attempted to casually look online on tips to clean a used crib mattress and was absolutely floored with what I found. Apparently SIDS is thought to be caused by the flame retardent chemicals in a mattress interacting with mold which is obviously found in used mattresses. It supposedly turns to a toxic gas when the chemicals interact with the mold and the baby breathes it in and it acts as a nerve gas and the baby just stops living!!!! So I mentioned my concern to Tom over the used mattress we were given and he said I was over-reacting and we can't afford a new mattress for her and I have to stop reading things online that scare me. But I don't think he understands this is life or death. I refuse to put my child on that old mattress. I am getting her a new mattress with my own money and then buying a plastic zippered cover to keep the chemicals away from her body and then I will put a well washed, well vacuumed mattress pad over top of the plastic and I will wash her crib sheets at least 3 times before putting them on the bed. I had read once about how flame retardant things are supposed to save your childs life and yet they are horribly toxic. Babies lick everything. Why would they put chemicals on everything??? Uggghh!!! Although later on, Tom and I did have a good laugh picturing an unharmed happy baby sitting on a flame-free mattress surrounded by a ring of fire as sparks fly onto the mattress and sizzle out. It's probably the most ridiculous waste of chemicals and laws I've ever heard. If my childs room catches on fire, I'm sure she'll die of smoke inhalation long before the fire even makes it over to her bed. But I guess we could pull the mattress out of the ash and use it for our next kid. Haha!

Ok its not really funny.

Honestly,
Jen

No more previa!!

I had a pretty great day today. Slept in till 730 with my lovely scruffy man. 730 is intensely late to sleep in for both of us. Made delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon and homemade hash browns. That's our typical weekend event but it's been forever since we've both been home together on a weekend since he's been working so much overtime. After stuffing ourselves silly with fatty greasy unhealthy food we headed out to our ultrasound. Fantastic news..... My placenta moved up and away from my cervix! Yes!!! No more threat of placental abruption, no more looming scary thoughts of a c-section, no more pelvic rest. I'm a very happy pregnant girl at this point! The rest of my day was spent blissfully running errands and shopping for my little girl. It was a rare beautiful winter day. The sunny kind that melts the snow and the whole town lines up to wash the salt off their cars. The kind of day that makes you yearn for spring in ways you didn't realize were possible. I thoroughly enjoyed wearing only a jacket and scarf, sporting sunglasses and a smile. I think at one point I may have even had a grass sighting!!

sleep....

I wake up everyday very early in the morning and struggle to get myself dressed and ready for work in time. Pretty much every single morning I think to myself "how am I going to have time to feed, change, dress and drop off a baby at daycare?". It's a terrible fear I can't get out of my head because I know that I will have to wake up AT LEAST an extra hour early which will be around 5am. But I'm guessing I may have to wake up even earlier. And on top of that my child is obviously not going to sleep through the night. So is this just how my life is going to be? Because I don't agree that humans can function on chronic sleep loss. I can just envision myself getting checked into a hospital for exhaustion.

But enough of that terror.

I guess I should be glad for the time I have left as just the two of us for the next few months. Even though it isn't exactly what I'd call "quality time". Week 1- 6 was constant anxiety and paralyzing fear of miscarriage. Week 6-12 was the worst sickness you could ever imagine. It was worse than the flu combined with hell. It was pain I could not ever describe. Just day and night of terrible vomit, fatigue, dizziness and aches and pains. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Week 12 was when I learned about my placenta previa which shut down any fun I could have had for the rest of my pregnancy. But that was also the week I first saw a heartbeat on an ultrasound. That was quite a special moment but it didn't reduce my fears of miscarriage. I guess once you have one you can never fully trust in your own body again. Week 13 to this current week 19 I have felt great nausea relief yet the sciatic pain, migraines and heartburn have taken over. Oh and not to mention the expanding belly. It's a cute belly I suppose... if you ignore the garden of hair growing all over it.

Cheers!
Jen