No more previa!!

I had a pretty great day today. Slept in till 730 with my lovely scruffy man. 730 is intensely late to sleep in for both of us. Made delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon and homemade hash browns. That's our typical weekend event but it's been forever since we've both been home together on a weekend since he's been working so much overtime. After stuffing ourselves silly with fatty greasy unhealthy food we headed out to our ultrasound. Fantastic news..... My placenta moved up and away from my cervix! Yes!!! No more threat of placental abruption, no more looming scary thoughts of a c-section, no more pelvic rest. I'm a very happy pregnant girl at this point! The rest of my day was spent blissfully running errands and shopping for my little girl. It was a rare beautiful winter day. The sunny kind that melts the snow and the whole town lines up to wash the salt off their cars. The kind of day that makes you yearn for spring in ways you didn't realize were possible. I thoroughly enjoyed wearing only a jacket and scarf, sporting sunglasses and a smile. I think at one point I may have even had a grass sighting!!

Maternal Instinct

I lost myself a long time ago back when I became obsessed with babies. My overwhelming all consuming maternal instinct to start a family began years and years ago. Something inside me clicked and I immediately knew I would never be ok until I had a child. This was maybe about 5 years ago that it started. I looked around me and hated everything about the way I lived my life. I hated my job. I hated my friends. I hated going out. I hated eating dinner alone. I hated the nothing that my life was. Here I was 22 years old with no education working a dead-end job and I kept saying if I had children then my life would be refocused on that and not my circumstances. I still believe that to be true because more than half of this country hates their job and even more people work jobs outside of the field they studied in. I've never had a desire for my job to be my life. I've always wanted my family to be my life even if we lived in the gutter. Unfortunately my circumstances were that I was flat broke, deeply in debt, friendless, dating a guy who literally worked from morning well into late night so there wasn't any possible way to bring a baby into that situation. I wasn't always like that though. I had good friends and a firm family foundation. I was fun. I was funny. I was really enjoying my life. But even though I was still fairly young, the intrusive thoughts of mommyhood just bombarded me. On top of other reasons, I withdrew and slowly said to myself that this current life doesn't count and I will start over when I have babies. THAT will be my real life. I just kept thinking when I am a mom, this will be different, I will be happy. Now that my baby is on the way....... FINALLY...... I am wondering if all my dreams will come true. I assume the love I feel for her will be the most amazing thing I will ever feel in my life. I also assume she will take over my world with her wants and needs and I will lose more of myself. But my hope is that a new me will emerge. A me called mommy that will live and breathe for my child in ways that I never knew were possible. Good ways overlapping the bad ways. Because I'm aware this part isn't going to be all glittery rainbows and precious furry kittens and unicorns. I just hope she will give me the fulfillment that this wait was all worth it. Going through this pregnancy journey other people seem to want to constantly bring me down by telling me awful things about how my life will be quickly ruined once my baby is born and I will have my feet pulled out from under me and fall flat on my face (in baby poop, no less). Family members, friends and co-workers have gotten right in my face and said once this child arrives my life is over and I will never get to do the fun things I do now. I'm not sure they realize that I don't do anything fun now. Haha! I look at all the adult things I could be doing right now and all I can think is how badly I just don't want to do them. I wish I was at the park or volunteering at school, instead of a friday night out drinking. I wish I was at my daughters school play, video taping and applauding as the most proud parent in the room. I wish everyday that I was in THAT world. I just can't fathom wanting to go out anywhere without my little munchkin daughter connected to me. I know you're probably thinking I'm crazy and that I won't feel that way once I have her and she starts driving me crazy. We'll see because I still want to be with Tom every moment even after 10 years. He never gets to be too much for me.


Honestly,
Jen

23 weeks

Today I'm 23 weeks. According to "what to expect when you're expecting" this is the beginning of the 6th month. But some books and websites say month 6 begins at week 25. I hate that everything contradicts when it comes to pregnancy. I'd have to say that the 9 month time span is still the general understanding of pregnancy even though it's wrong according to the medical community. I'm not sure where it got started. The pregnant women should have a movement to teach the world that it's really 10 months. Pregnancy is 40 weeks and if you were to assume that each week is 4 weeks, since you cant be exact, then week 23 would be the 3rd week of month 6. But if i was to tell people i was 9 months pregnant at week 33-36 (as it should be) then people would assume i was almost ready to give birth when in fact i have the whole month 10 ahead of me.  But it doesn't really matter to me how you count it. I just wish it was consistent. Week 23 my baby is as big as a papaya even though I haven't gained an ounce yet. Tom was really proud that I ate all my dinner last night. I can't remember the last time I ate that much food. Tom's stir fry is always the best!

I'm starting to feel the stretching sensations in my belly. I also kept feeling tightening in my belly all around. This must be the round ligament pain. It's pretty uncomfortable and makes me not want to eat. It feels like a full feeling after you've just eaten a big meal. It also feels a bit like someone just punched me in the stomach. The heartburn is still going strong! Tums have become my new bff. Pepcid complete didn't work any different or any better for me. My heartburn only hits about an hour after I eat and it doesn't persist for hours and hours so I don't feel like it's necessary to take a medicine that last for hours if my symptoms don't even last for hours. Plus berry tums taste better.

The other day I shoveled my sidewalk. I'm not sure if that was allowed since I'm not supposed be lifting heavy stuff. It didn't look heavy but those inches sure do pile up to something heavy. I got winded easy while doing it. I don't think that's pregnancy related. I think that's me being out of shape. I miss running on warm summer nights. I miss the way I'd sweat so bad I thought it would never stop. I miss that meditative time to myself outside with the sun and the road and me. We were best pals, kinda like I am with my tums these days. I can't run with my placenta so low. I suppose I could walk or jog but that aggravates my sciatica and then I can't even get off the couch. I feel like an old lady. What a terrible things we have to go through for our lovely little babies.

So I got to thinking today and I got immediately frozen at the fear that my child will be ugly. Tom and I are both non-ugly so you'd think this would not be on my mind. But unfortunately some people are just born ugly. I don't want my child to be picked on. I'm sure this is a completely normal mommy thought. But it's bothering me that I am growing her inside me and I can't see her. It's so incredibly unfair. I wish I had a see through panel where I could peek in and check on her like maybe an oven door. I just want to know that everything is cooking ok. I know i get to see her in ultrasounds but the ultrasounds are lame and all you see is a freaky skeletor looking child. And of course the ultrasound tech didn't warn me so my shock was sudden and loud when she came up on the screen. I have another ultrasounds on saturday to check the heart and the placenta. I'll see if I can get an "it's a girl" view printed out from her this time. You'd think that would be automatic when they tell you the news but apparently it's not. I'll work on it. 

Honestly Pregnant,
Jen