Emotions

I broke down today at work and cried in my cubicle all alone. It seems that my hormones and lack of sleep is really getting to me. I haven't really been eating and the only time I'm hungry is in the middle of the night and of course I'm not getting out of bed to eat that's ridiculous. I just don't know how I'm going to handle a baby. It seems like too much right now. I can't imagine it getting harder. Of course I'm not stupid and I know this is easy compared to raising a child. And experienced mom's are sure to throw that in my face every time I complain. Where's the support ladies? I'm sure you felt that way too. And I'm not exactly the type to tell me to toughen up. It only breaks me down more.




I also read some extremely disturbing news today. Webmd.com says do not use NSAID's (aspirin, ibuprofen, naproxen) while trying to become pregnant and during pregnancy. NSAID's have been linked to increased miscarriage risk, especially at the time of conception and when an NSAID is used for longer than a week. I had never heard this. I haven't used advil with this pregnancy and as soon as I found out I was pregnant with my first child I immediately stopped advil. But I'm positive I was taking it regularly for my unbearable TMJ pain at the time of conception. So now I feel completely responsible for my miscarriage. I already felt responsible because of my anxiety but now this sort of proves it to me. And I know people are going to say there was no way to know that's what caused it. And they are right. But there's no way to know that's not what caused it either. And even when I told Tom, he said "well that solves that". My heart shattered. It's my fault. I feel like a murderer. I just don't know what to do with this information. I specifically went to the doctor before trying to conceive to make sure there was anything I needed to know not to eat or do. She mentioned alcohol and folic acid and said nothing else. That child would have been about 3 1/2 months old now.



For now I will try not to dwell on that but I know I have a lifetime of regret coming up on me.



There's another winter storm that started a few hours ago. It's supposed to be up to another additional 6 inches on top of the almost 3 feet we have now. I hope my power stays on. Tom's working late and I'll probably curl up on the couch with my cat. Hopefully Lauren will get active inside my belly and keep me occupied.




Jen

Green Baby

I plan to raise my child as healthy and organically as I can. I believe it is very important to eat a proper diet without all that gunk that makes our food shinier, bigger, brighter, prettier or grow faster. I also plan to keep away all bad plastic from my little one that I possibly can. I understand she will end up with unhealthy foods and plastics in school, friends houses and so on but I plan to limit this to the best of my ability so that I know I did the best I could. The big concerns I have are high fructose corn syrup, pesticides, metals, and hormones in dairy and plastic. I'm always looking for new brands and generic alternatives to organic foods and body products. Any extra suggestions on websites, mommy tips and helpful hints are appreciated. My little girl will appreciate it too. I'm currently reading
Dr. Sears' Happy Baby: The Organic Guide to Baby's First 24 Months. The book assumes that I've already given birth so a lot of the information is for further in the future. But this Friday I will be buying Dr Sears' Vaccine Book so I can learn how not to play russian roulette with my baby's tiny life. I won't debate vaccines here because I want more information first. I would also recommend You: Having A Baby by Dr Oz. It was a nice reference type book to flip open on specific subjects for graphs and charts and drawings. What To Expect When You're Expecting is also a good reference book to see what is going on inside week by week. It also tells you what kind of symptoms to expect month by month. It's nice to keep bookmarked on your month and read it at the beginning of each week. But it's not very detailed information on your own body. It tells you a symptom but doesn't explain why or how to remedy the pain. Dr Oz was very good at explaining all that stuff. I wish I could catch Dr Oz in a jar with a holey lid, a stick and a leaf and keep him forever as my little "information station in a jar".

So far the past few weeks have been a horrible pain in the ass, literally. Oh the "joys" of pregnancy sciatic nerve pain. The fact that the doctor looked me right in the eye and said, "the only cure for you is to give birth" with the most serious face you ever saw just really breaks my heart. Good thing I love this little mango inside me with every breath I take or else she'd be right in the naughty corner the second she pops out for all this pain she's causing. Luckily, today I had a break from the pain. It randomly went away and I hope it stays that way. Word on the preggo street is that it will continue to come and go. Another thing happening that doesn't seem to benefit me or baby is acne. Yup, I FEEL like all those kids LOOKED back in school. I never had the pleasure of a chronically zity face, thank goodness. But I'm getting payback for it now. The terrible part is that I can't use any zit cream or spot treatment. I guess I have to suffer being both fat and filled with pimply bumps... thanks nature.


Honestly Pregnant,
Jen