Working mama

Ladies and gentlemen.....Welcome to life as a working mom.

This past week kicked my ass big time as you can see by my previous post. This week I wanted to go into it with a new perspective. I accepted the fact that I will never sleep well again. Not that I ever really slept well before but, oh what I would give for 3 or 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Lauren is still breastfeeding so she can't go as long between feedings as a formula fed baby. From what I hear, switching to formula could buy me those sleep hours I've so been longing for. But I don't want to give up the nutritional benefits of breastmilk just yet. Plus I don't want to lose that bond we have when we nurse. It's our moment and I love it more than I ever thought possible. She looks up at me and wraps her tiny arm around me as she scratches with her little nails. A nice scratch. An "I'm comforted" type of scratch. She no longer falls asleep eating but she does still hit that fullness point where she gets giddy and high. Her body goes limp and her eyes glaze over and she just lays back with the most satisfied partial smile on her little chubby baby face. It makes me feel so needed and I love it. So yeah the no sleep thing.... Well, i don't really have a choice in this. If I want to keep breastfeeding I have to accept the fact that a full block of 2 hours sleep is as good as it going to get for now. It's tough to handle especially because once I'm up and spent all that time feeding, changing and putting her back to sleep, I can't fall back asleep so easily. I'm completely over the fact that I'm covered in regurgitated breastmilk and poop. I just can't shut my mind off.

The days where I get to stay home with Lauren are what I look forward to the most. Her personality is really starting to develop into this sweet gentle happy baby always dressed In pink. My early mornings are filled with the sound of her giggling to herself in her crib. Her feet kicking wildly. Her arms thrashing around. Those are the magical breathy little sounds I have waited so long to hear. I find myself just standing by her bedroom door peeking in to soak in the little rambunctious nugget as she let's all her energy out laugh by laugh until she finally laughs herself to sleep.....and.... It takes all of about 5 minutes.

Those are the things I will miss while I'm away at work. The little bits and pieces of her life spent away from me. At least she's young enough now that she doesn't cry when I leave her. That will tear my heart in two.

Funky Funk

So i'm in a bit of a funk. Ok, maybe more than just a bit. Honestly, I'm in one of the biggest funky funks ever.  Not with Lauren but with myself.  I know I am doing well as a mom because my little munchkin couldn't be happier. But anytime I have to be away from her, I panic. It's an issue with myself and I'm not exactly sure if this is related to the postpartum period or if this is a manifestation of my already existing anxiety.  It's like I can't exist separately from her.  In addition to starting on Zoloft, this was my first week back to work.  The night before my first day back I panicked all night long. I never fell asleep.  I just stayed in bed the whole time watching my beautiful Lauren sleep next to me in her pack and play.  It was an entire night of shaking and crying. I knew she would be ok with Tom's parents all day.  After all, they raised 3 children of their own successfully and they take care of my niece and nephew in California by themselves all the time.  So why the panic? I could say it was partially the Zoloft to blame as the side effects are insomnia, jittery feeling and nausea. But I am no stranger to these episodes of panic and I knew I just had to go with it and let it ride and just hope my heart didn't explode.  Usually these are symptoms I feel when Tom is away, specifically at night time.  And having him call or come home makes it go away immediately. But this was so different. I knew I had to go to work and leave her.  Calling off was not an option because I would just go through this again the next day I had to work. 

So off I went, in tears with bloodshot eyes and fatigue as big as can be. The whole way to work I stared at nothing on the T and fought off my desire to fall flat on my face, sobbing for my little girl.  I wanted so badly to get off and turn around and go back home.  Looking back, the whole day there was a complete blur but as it was happening, I assure you, it was the equivalent of spending six lifetimes gasping for air under a sea of the thickest fog imaginable.  Coping was next to impossible.  And yet, somehow I made it through the day by taking frequent breaks to text and call and spending time in the lactation room, pumping milk while watching videos of Lauren on my iPhone.

I never imagined it was going to be this hard. You would think I was the first mom to ever have to go through the trauma of being ripped away from her baby.  And after only one day away I decided I had to cancel our anniversary trip. I can't be away from Lauren overnight, let alone four days while she is still so tiny and dependant on my breastmilk.  Tom assured me I would want a break from her when he made the hotel reservation months ago. I didn't think much of it because I hadn't given birth yet so I didn't know how I was going to feel. It just seemed so far into the future but now that it's only two weeks away I can see I can't be away from her.  I feel so guilty as a wife to not give Tom the break he was looking forward to. But I have to put my health in front of that for now. I can't be having panic attacks while trying to enjoy a relaxing weekend to reconnect with my husband.  A sleepless, shaking, vomiting, paranoid state of mind is not really my idea of a reconnection with Tom. Add to that, I need to pump every three hours to keep my supply up, which includes setting an alarm and waking in the night, all while keeping track of how much she is eating so I can match it. I'm not really sure he gets it right now but, again I have to realize my health is important at this time in order to be there for Lauren. I just need some transitional time to get used to being away from her during the day before she spends an entire night away from me. Plus I really should be waiting until she is weaned from breastmilk. I told Tom he can take some time away from us if he needs it but I'm not sure he will take it or not.

I will continue to work three days a week and stay home with my darling girl on non-work days. This funkiness should be lifting soon as I continue to work through being a new mama and allow some time for my anxiety to diminish.

Staying Honest,
Jen

A brand new day

I woke up this morning and realized I had one thing to do today... call my doctor.  This anxiety cannot continue the way I have allowed it to. Letting my panic run my life has been my biggest mistake.  So I sat in front of my phone with my heart pounding waiting for the clock to hit 8:30am when my doctors office opened. Nervously shaken and not sure what to say, I finally dialed the number and told them I needed help. Big help.  They said blah blah blah taking care of a newborn is very stressful and hard and it can take down even the toughest woman. But my experience with Lauren is the complete opposite.  She is a wonderful easy going baby. She is not contributing to my anxiety at all. Well not directly.  My fears that I cannot be with her at all times have worn me down to a permanently jaw clenched and exhausted mama.  My doctor suggested therapy and I explained how a $30 copay twice a week would bankrupt me and I needed help now! I can't go on with my life knowing a panic attack could strike at any time. I do believe therapy could help some people but I've tried it and I suffered more anxiety through those sessions than ever before.  I couldn't even eat on days that I had an appointment. So my doctor said he would call in zoloft for me. As those words fell out of his mouth I felt my chest open up and the weight of this fearful panic lifted off of me.  I suddenly felt hope for the future that I haven't felt ever in my life.  I envisioned more smiles and more satisfaction coming my way and it felt so good.  Let me say it again.  IT FELT SO GOOD!

So today begins a brand new life for me and my family.  Hopefully this will help me to be a better wife and a better mom by taking care of my own mental health. I do it all for them.  How can I not? I mean look at this face!

Honestly,
Jen

Right where it hurts the most

Last night I had a terrible breakdown. Lauren was screaming her head off and Tom was holding her trying to get her to calm down. My heart started racing and I ended up curled up on the couch in a big wet sloppy mess and bawled my eyes out. I knew if I held her I could calm her down but Tom wanted to do it himself and wouldn't let me take her. It was the most helpless I have ever felt in my whole life. I was dying inside listening to her scream. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. So eventually, Tom calmed her down but I was so shaken I could barely move or speak and it ended up taking me a while to stop crying. After i took a shower I finally was able to breathe normally again so I went straight to bed. Tom seemed a bit concerned by then and he handed her over to me. So I sat there with her on the bed, staring into her eyes and realized what just happened was probably a panic attack. Holding her in my arms after that was the most calm I think I had ever felt. She fell right asleep and then so did I.




I know now that leaving her to go back to work will be heartbreaking and I'm not sure how I can handle it sanely. This is most definitely not a trust issue. This is a separation anxiety issue. I know other people are perfectly capable of taking good care of her. But their hands are not my hands. I want to approve of and oversee everything that goes near her. It's impossible and I obviously know that but I have this fierce instinct to be present for every moment in her life even if it's just be be there in the room. This is very bad news and I'm not sure how to cope with all of this. I have heard of moms crying when they have to return to work but a freaking panic attack? Really? Just from not being able to comfort my child when she cries? Oh man, this is going to be the hardest journey. Much harder than I imagined. I'm not ready to let go or hand her over. I think I need her more than she needs me and that's terrifying.

I have all of today and tomorrow with her just the two of us.  Then I have one last weekend with her and Tom as a family before I go to work on Monday.  My in-laws will watch her on Monday and Friday and she will stay home with me on Tuesday and Thursday. Tom will have her on Wednesday. This next week is bringing the most anxiety since waiting for her birth. I just don't want to end up having another panic attack at work. Sadly, the likelihood seems high.

Honestly Mama,
Jen

Milk Maid

This is my last week home with Lauren.  While I'm exhausted at being her beckon call girl and answering to her every cry, I will miss her terribly.  In spite of the sadness of having to be away from my snuggly munchin and go back to work, I'm hoping it will feel nice to not be Lauren's personal milk maid every couple of hours.  You know, for the three days of work I will be working. She has been going through quite a growth spurt making her insatiably hungry which means she has basically been permanently attached to my lap so I can pop her on my boob at any given time.  I have become a slave to her cues, feeding her long before she cries so pumping at work will definitely be a challenge.  I will be forced to pump solely on a time based schedule unless I have her babysitter send me a text every time she eats.....which actually doesn't seem like a terrible idea now that I think of it. 

Just yesterday my heart broke as I had to pack away Lauren's newborn onsies that she has already outgrown. She still fits newborn diapers and pants because she has the tiniest waist ever. It was really sad to say goodbye to some of my favorite little outfits. Those outfits represent Lauren at the little miniature size she was when she was born. But I am keeping them all for the second baby girl I may have one day. Yeah that's right, I'm already thinking about baby number two. The thought of sisters very close in age just drives me crazy.  Almost crazy enough to throw out my birth control pills. Almost.  I guess Lauren is just such an easy baby that I could imagine having another one right this moment and not really be phased by it.  Sure, she cries when she's hungry and wakes up often through the night. But she has been an extremely easy going baby. Even at 3am she still wakes up in a good mood and grunts and whines in her crib for about 20 minutes before she would even think to cry for her personal assistant...I mean me. 

So many people told me I will never sleep again and that babies are so hard.  Losing sleep was my biggest fear, as you would know if you've been reading along with my pregnancy.  It makes me wonder is she really that easy of a baby or was I just readily prepared for all the work that was expected to come along with this? She's an amazing darling and yes, it is true, I would sacrifice every night's sleep for her.  But just for kicks, let's hope that doesn't happen. 

It makes me melt into a puddle of love

I had my follow up doctor's appointment two days ago. It was so amazing to get the chance to bring Lauren in to the office and show her off to all the nurses and to the doctor that brought her into the world.  My doctor just ate her up and it was so precious to see my beautiful daughter in her arms. I got to hug her and thank her for taking care of me throughout the pregnancy and for calming me down when I freaked out in the operating room before my c-section. She assured me that being scared meant I was a good mother for worrying what would happen to her and me.  At the appointment the nurse let me weigh Lauren on the scale and that little piggy was nine and a half pounds! I, however, was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight which was a big relief. I didn't gain much over the recommended guideline so I was hoping to jump back down pretty quickly.  There are many women I've talked to who gained weight like they were eating at a buffet full of babies and it almost made me wonder "how many babies are actually inside you?" I know I gained a lot of water weight, which really pissed me off, because a pound is pound and that's all that mattered to me. I would cry when leaving the doctor's office each time because I was told not to go over twenty-five pounds and I'm a person who takes doctor's orders very seriously.  Although this seems backwards, health was not my concern while pregnant. I was so sick that just keeping calories down was cause for celebration.  Anything that I craved, I ate, but always in tiny portions because that's all I could get down.  My concern was always not to gain too much weight so that after I had the baby I wouldn't look pregnant anymore. It was ok to have a swollen belly after birth because the uterus takes time to shrink but there shouldn't be extra fat on your body.  I still don't understand why you are suposed to gain weight when you are pregnant anyway.  And I mean extra weight on your own body other than the products of a baby.

Here's me at forty weeks. I snapped this picture after my doctor told me to go to the hospital to get induced. We ran home and I jumped in front of the camera with this very scared look on my face.

I'm sorry I don't have an "after" picture for you.  I hope to get one up soon.  Hopefully I will remain at this weight. My life with a newborn has brought on lots of ice cream and fast food since I am too tired to cook.  I really thought I would have a really great time on maternity leave but my TMJ has gotten the worst it has ever been and the sleep deprivation is bru-tal! So it has just been really easy to order food or frequent the drive-through. On top of that I have been stuck inside due to temperatures in the 90's and 100's. My visions of walking my newborn in the park have been seriously crushed.  The five weeks I have been home, we have had maybe two or three days where it was decent enough to take Lauren outside before 7pm. I think I'm seriously losing my mind being indoors constantly. The fact that I have my little lollipop with me has made it bearable. And today she shared her first real smile with me.... you know, other than those sleepy smiles which are adorable but not reactive. I didn't catch the first one on video but here she is repeating that life changing moment.

It makes me melt into a puddle of love for my little Lauren girl.

Honestly,

Jen

YouTube Link

Here's a collection of videos of my darling little Lauren